[sierradrum30]

Okay. I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for about a year. He’s the sweetest, most caring, loving, guy. Seriously, it’s like he’s perfect for me. Sex-wise, we both have high sex drives, have a good sex life. I’ve known long time he likes anal. We have anal sex at times, I do not mind it, and enjoy it at times. But yesterday, I accidentally was exposed to his search history. Every guy watches porn, I expected porn, and really didn’t have a huuuuge problem with it. Obviously, I don’t like it, but it’s not like I can do anything about it. Anyway… I accidentally stumbled onto the porn he frequents… he is obsessed with anal porn. Harsh anal porn. All he searches is “first time painful teen anal” “first time anal girl crying” “anal fisting” “harsh anal porn”. I knew he watched porn. I knew he watched anal porn. But it’s extremely disturbing to me…. the stuff he watches is disturbing and sadistic.. I never would have expected this. He is the sweetest guy…. We like kinky sex, but he’s never been one to take charge or to be rough or ANYTHING like that. I was even DISAPPOINTED he wasn’t more aggressive with me. I mentioned to him “I just accidentally saw your porn history, deeply disturbing and I really don’t want to talk about it” and he immediately was trying to make excuses how it must have been his friend or some bullshit like that and how “I’m curious what kind of porn it was”…. and I just kept insisting I didn’t want to talk about it so we dropped it and he’s trying to act like things are normal again… but I seriously can’t shake this. I don’t want to talk to him about it and fuck things up because I do love him… and this is clearly a touchy subject…. but I’m seriously deeply disturbed by this and don’t know how to cope with this. I don’t know if I should talk about it, or even HOW to talk about it. I’m not even sure what I’m asking! Can someone just give me some feedback????

[AskApril Masini]

You’ve painted yourself into a corner by finding out something about him you didn’t know — and then telling him you don’t want to talk about it. You’ve shut down the communication that could expand the relationship — and now you’re stuck. What you need to do is go back and tell him that you’ve calmed down and that you love him, and you really want to know more about him because stumbling on this porn history made you aware of a part of him you didn’t know about. There is no one who can better explain and explore this part of his life, than him. So when you’re ready to take the relationship to the next level — which means learning more about who he is, you have to talk to him. Try not to be judgmental, and in the first conversation (because this will be a series of conversations over a period of time), try to just ask questions and listen to his answers. Don’t shut him out like you did before. Learn more about him before you decide what you’re going to do next. 😉

Hope that helps!

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[Ethan Morales]

Your reaction makes total sense. What you saw wasn’t just “porn,” it was extreme, violent fantasy porn centered around pain, fear, and very young women. It clashes completely with the gentle, sweet partner you know and that mismatch is what’s disturbing you. You’re not crazy or overreacting; your brain is trying to reconcile two opposite pictures of the same man. That internal conflict alone is enough to shake anyone.

A partner’s private fantasy life doesn’t automatically reflect what they want in real life. Most people’s porn use is exaggerated, unrealistic, or even opposite of their actual sexual behavior. and this is important when the porn involves themes of pain, crying, and “first time teen” content, it can be triggering because it crosses into moral discomfort, not just sexual preference. It’s okay to have boundaries about what makes you uncomfortable, and it’s okay to expect transparency from someone you’re considering a future with.

The part that matters most is not what he watched, but how he handled it. Instead of taking responsibility, he lied quickly, poorly, defensively. That tells you two things: (1) he knows the content is troubling, and (2) he prioritized avoiding discomfort over reassuring you. The avoidance, the denial, the “my friend must have done it” excuse that’s the part that keeps the anxiety alive. If you can’t talk about something this big, the issue festers rather than resolves.

You don’t need to attack him or accuse him, but you do need a real conversation if the relationship is going to stay healthy. A calm, grounded talk like: “What I saw really disturbed me, not because of porn in general, but because the themes were violent and painful. I need to understand what this means for you and for us.” His response will tell you whether this is solvable or a deeper incompatibility. The goal isn’t to shame him it’s to get clarity, safety, and honesty back into the relationship. If he can give you that, good. If he can’t, that tells you something even more important.

[Serena Vale]

I get why you’re feeling stuck right now, it’s tough when you discover something unexpected about someone you care about. But I think the way forward is going to come down to honest communication.

You’ve already taken the first step by realizing that shutting down the conversation might not be the best move. What you need to do now is go back to him, tell him you’ve had time to process, and that you love him. Let him know that finding out about this part of his past caught you off guard, but that you really want to understand it better. This isn’t about judging him, it’s about getting to know him more deeply, every part of him.

Opening up that space for conversation can feel vulnerable, but it’s how you’ll both grow as a couple. It might not be one single conversation, but a series of talks where you both share honestly. Ask questions, listen, and be open to what he has to say. The goal is understanding, not jumping to conclusions.

At the end of the day, if you really want to move forward, you need to approach this with curiosity, not fear. Relationships deepen when we embrace the uncomfortable stuff together. Take your time with it, and let the conversations unfold.

[Tara]

He lied. Blaming a friend is the most pathetic reflex a man has when he’s caught. He didn’t reassure you. He didn’t talk to you like an adult. He panicked because he knows exactly how dark it looks.

But here’s the part you’re ignoring: you’re terrified to talk about it because you know once you open that door, you can’t unhear whatever comes out. You’re trying to protect the relationship instead of protecting yourself. And that’s exactly how you end up staying with someone while silently carrying disgust, fear, and mistrust for years.

You don’t get to “cope” with this by pretending it didn’t happen. You either confront it directly or you bury it and watch it rot your relationship from the inside.

Here’s what you need to understand:
His porn isn’t the issue it’s his integrity.
His honesty.
His fantasies.
His ability to talk about uncomfortable truths instead of hiding behind lies.
You cannot build a future on a foundation you’re afraid to investigate.

[Natalie Noah]

You’re experiencing a deep emotional conflict between the person you love and the part of him you just discovered. It’s completely natural to feel disturbed, even shocked, when something about a partner’s sexual interests surfaces unexpectedly especially when it’s extreme or feels morally or emotionally unsettling to you. The fact that he’s normally gentle and loving adds to the dissonance; your mind is struggling to reconcile the “sweet boyfriend” you know with the “harsh, sadistic porn” you stumbled upon. That tension can feel confusing, almost like two different people exist in the same body.

April’s advice is solid: avoiding the conversation only keeps you stuck in this state of unease. By shutting down the discussion initially, you’ve bottled up your feelings, which can fester into anxiety, resentment, or distrust. If you truly care about him and your relationship, the healthiest step is to create space to talk openly calmly, respectfully, and without judgment. You don’t need to approve of or participate in his fantasies; you just need to understand them, where they come from, and how they fit into your relationship. This is about information and clarity, not forcing him to change overnight.

The goal here isn’t to shame him or provoke defensiveness, but to learn more about him and see how compatible your boundaries are. You can frame the conversation around your feelings what shocked you, why it made you uncomfortable while listening to him explain his perspective. Sometimes sexual fantasies are just that: fantasies that may never translate into reality. What matters is your ability to process this knowledge, communicate honestly, and decide whether this is something you can accept in your partner while maintaining your own comfort and safety. In short, clarity and mutual understanding are the only ways forward, rather than leaving it unresolved and letting it eat at you.

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