[rosanan54321]

I broke up with my ex about 6 months ago even thought i was still in love with him, when I felt him being distant and losing interest, and he never fought for me in the few months after i ended it.

Recently, over the past month, hes invited me to a party at his house, always asking my friends how im doing and sent me a fb message asking if we could ‘kiss, make up and be friends’ and to go out that night with him and his housemate for drinks. I ignored it for a week and then replied ‘is this a joke?’ he didn’t reply.

Then a few days ago I ran into his best friend on the high road near my house, and we had a little chat for a bit, and the next morning i awoke to a message sent to me at 2 am from my ex, saying that he’d been self destructing the last few months, and apologizing multiple times for not talking to me, not that it was an excuse and that he really wants to be friends, and then invited me over to his house and said he would cook us a nice meal and we can catch up, finished by him saying he understands if i don’t want to, repeating again that he was sorry and hadn’t been himself.

What should I make of this text? its been 6 months! my friends think he wants me back but i am unconvinced, and would really like a guy’s advice on this. I’m also really scared that if i do go and catch up ill start getting feelings for him again and then it’ll be heartbreak all over again when he wants to be “just friends”

I don’t really want to be friends with him, but I am curious as to why hes suddenly changed his mind about us communicating, and I feel like if I don’t go I’ll always think what if.. you know? And this guy was my first love, so I guess i’ll always have some kind of feeling for him, and maybe a little part of me wants him to want me again. Am i reading too much into this? I literally haven’t spoken to him in 6 months.. I don’t understand why this has changed and hes started trying to build a bridge.

Why is he messaging me all of a sudden 6 months later after the split? Doesnt that seem extremely odd and long-winded? Could my friends possibly be right that he’s still into me or do you all think its probably more a just friends situation?

Thanks April! xx

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m not sure how old you both are. But from what you’ve written, it sounds like he’s now interested in you. I can’t tell if he’s interested in getting back together or if he’s just lonely and you’re familiar. When he said he wants to kiss, make up and be friends, it sounded like he was just interested in a casual friends or friends with benefits relationship. The 2 a.m. text is the type you’d get from an ex who’s interested in a friends with benefits situation. That he mentioned that he had been self-destructing, underscores a situation where he’s looking for a safe landing, and because you’re familiar, you’re possibly easier to approach, than a woman he doesn’t know, would be. And again, he mentioned being friends — not dating. 😕

The bottom line is that you can’t be friends. Your instincts are telling you that, and you’re doubting them — but I’d like to tell you to trust yourself. 🙂 Your instincts are correct. It’s normal to be curious about an ex, but catching up over coffee, or bumping into each other at a social event where there are lots of other people there is a lot less intimate than having a home cooked meal at his place. Your concerns about getting sucked back into a situation you’ll later regret is likely to happen if you skip the dinner at his place and opt for a quick coffee in between meetings or classes.

Overall, I’d suggest you focus on you and not on him. Your post is really about your reaction — not your taking the lead and starring in your own life. 😀 If the reason you left him was because he lost interest and stopped paying attention to you, and he’s wanting to now be friends because he’s been having a rough time — it doesn’t sound like it’s in your best interest to get together again. 😳 It really sounds like you should move on, and trust that if he’s changed and wants to pursue you and show you how special you are, he will. Middle of the night texts, complaining about his own life, and wanting to be “friends” isn’t really a great offer for you. 😉

I hope that helps! Let me know how things go.

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[rosanan54321]

I’m 20 and he’s 22.

Do you think i should ask him to honestly just tell me why hes contacted me?
And my best friend went to a party at his house a few months ago and met a girl he was sleeping with, and was told it was just physical and nothing more than that… (and she looks like me 😐 ) , so do you think that that influences his motivations for messaging me at all?

Largely, I agree with you about your advice, I guess I just want to believe he wants me again… you know?

Thanks for being honest

[rosanan54321]

another thing – hes got many friends.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I understand that you want to believe he wants you (and only you), and that he wants to rekindle the best parts of the relationship you had, but it sure doesn’t sound like that’s what’s going on. 😳 I think he misses you, but only sometimes and not all the time, and not enough to make any changes that would have fixed the problems that you felt were his responsibility in the relationship that you walked away from. In other words, I think that if you get back together with him, or just sleep with him, you’ll find yourself back in the same position — and you’ll be upset at yourself for not having listened to your instincts.

I don’t think you should contact him and ask him to be honest with you or to tell you why he’s contacted you. When a guy calls you or contacts you, it’s because he wants the contact and wants to see you. It doesn’t mean he wants to date you, rekindle a relationship, have a relationship, or marry you. When women look for more than what’s actually there, it’s because they’re trying to leverage a contact into something that they want it to be. It’s not a healthy or productive practice, and it’s motivated by desire, not smart dating. 😕 Instead, learn to look at what’s truly happening. 😉 The fact that he’s sleeping with someone who looks like you means that he has a type — not that he misses you, and his motivation for contacting you has more to do with his wanting to see you at the time he did message you — not that he’s made any changes, wants a relationship, or is anyone other than who he has been, and who you’ve come to know him to be.

I know it’s hard to go through a break up, and it’s a lot easier to look backwards, but my advice here is not to move backwards, and instead, to move forwards. If he has something he feels strongly about communicating to you, he will — 2 a.m. messages don’t really indicate he’s interested in you, or a relationship, as much as he’s interested in sleeping with you. 😉

I hope that helps!

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