[Anonymous]

My fiance & I have been together for 4 years and his ex gf has a 5 yr old. They weren’t together at the time of conception (it was 3 yrs after they broke up), but the child had the potential to be his. He was honest with me about this (as he didn’t even know about the child until 4 months into our relationship). He wanted to get a DNA test (which he did). The test turned out negative and he was devastated. We were/are in the process of concieving a child ourselves (and he doesn’t have any as of now), and I know he really loves children and wants a family as bad as I do. Part of me was happy that the child wasn’t his since the mother of the girl is actually trying to break us up and get back with him (and uses her 4 kids by 4 different fathers) as leverage to keep my fiance around – because his weakeness is children and he is a good man.

I love that about him, but I don’t like that she is now back in the picture. I think it’s unfair that he has bonded with these children, for me to make him choose between the kids or me. (The oldest child is 13 – and for the 1st 9 years of her life – he thought he was her father – until a DNA test proved otherwise). Also, I have bonded with the kids too and they see me as his wife. However, today he told me that his dad told him that as the baby gets older – it’s definitely his – and that he needs to take another DNA test. I know he took the test – i was there! I saw the results! and I know the other man that is her father – and he and my fiance look very similar.

Basically, I think he is trying to hold onto that hope of the child being his, or maybe he’s confused – or he still wants to be with her. We’ve talked about it many times – but he assures me that he loves me and wants to be with me. Am I wrong? I don’t want to be controlling of him – but I don’t want to be walked all over either. He knows how I feel, but I’m also trying to respect his feelings. I’m just so confused…. Advice???

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’ve got a major problem on your hands and you should stop trying to get pregnant until you resolve this issue. 😕 DNA testing is very accurate, and if the test proves he is not the father then it’s time for him to start separating from this child who has a biological father somewhere. It’s not fair for him to confuse the child. It’s fine to be a family friend who shows up at birthday parties and even sends Christmas presents, but if your fiance wants to start his own family with you, he needs to clear up this potential chaos first. His ex-girlfriend is not his ex-wife or the mother of his child, and since she’s trying to interfere in your relationship with him, and there is no reason for her to be in his life any more, since he’s not her child’s father, it’s time for him to step away from his old life, and start his new one with you.

If he is not willing or able to do this, YOU have to recognize he’s not compatible with you.

I know you want a child, and I’m guessing (since you didn’t mention your age) that your biological clock is ticking like Big Ben, but that is not a good reason to rush into something as important as getting pregnant. Slow down. Do it right.

Make sure you’re with a man who is compatible and available. Get married first. Apparently you have a ring, since you said he’s your fiance. Now make a date and get married. I trust you live together, and if you don’t, move in together so it’s crystal clear you’re a married couple. And after these steps, start trying to get pregnant.

I hope this helps. It would be a shame to make a mess of things where children are involved. Let me know how things go.

And join me on Twitter @AskAprilcom (no dot!) as well as on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]

[Anonymous]

I’m 30 and my biological clock is ticking extremely loud. Yes, we do live together and I do have a ring. The reason that I haven’t rushed a date was exactly for this situation. I guess that I will have to draw the line with what type of relationship he has with the children (and her). While I won’t say that he can never see and talk to the kids (as the oldest one sees him as a father figure), he will have to limit it to special occasions and not be a daily/weekly/monthly thing, and if can’t respect that – as hard as it may be – I will need to let him go. I appreciate your advice….I have a lot of thinking to do. Thanks again!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You sound like you [i]get it[/i]. Don’t let the ticking clock make you do silly things that have lasting repercussions. Get your ducks in a row before you get pregnant otherwise you’re going to find yourself in the middle of a chaotic mess.

See you on Twitter @AskAprilcom (no dot!) — and Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 😀

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