[jspahiu]

Hi there. Sorry for my English .I never thought I could ever bring myself in such a difficult situation. I’m living with my boyfriend for a year now. He is divorced from his ex wife ,they had a child together and he wasn’t allowed to see his daughter until this week, where his ex suddenly decides that he is now allowed to see her. I never thought this could be so damn difficult for me to deal with. I mean I always thought that when the time comes for him to see his daughter again , I could deal with it. But it was not what I expected ! I’m having such a hard time. It’s only been a couple of days since this happened and I am already completely terrified from the idea that my boyfriend , and future husband has a daughter with another women . I find it so hard to accept.We had planned our summer vacations together to go to my home country, so I could introduce him to my father for the first time. And when I ask him if he’s still coming I got shocked from his answer. He said he’s not coming because he wants to see his daughter and is afraid hat she forgets him for that period of time if he was on vacation. He’s daughter is now 4. I have a very bad feeling about this. I’m feeling terrible and I don’t know what is worse , the fact that he has to contact his ex everyday now, because he wants to talk to his daughter , or the fact that I’m not going to be his first priority anymore. This is killing me . I spent the last few days crying like I never did before. I don’t know if I’m jealous for having to share my boyfriend with his daughter. I know this may sound crazy but I can’t describe how bad I’m feeling . I know that some of you might think I’m beeing such a selfish bitchh , but believe me I never thought It would be so hard for me to deal with this whole thing. I’m 21 ,and I think beeing the first priority to the man I love is something I am allowed to wish for. I don’t know I am not prepared to be a step mom at this age . I mean I’m still young I need to live my life and I’m not ready for another responsibility in my life like a stepchild . I don’t really know what to do or what to think. Maybe I’m just not mature enough to understand the meaning of having a child because I don’t have one myself . This whole situation is killing me inside 🙁 I’m aware of the fact that he loves his daughter most and she is always going to be his first priority, I know that. But sometimes it takes longer for the heart to accept what the brain already knows.please write anything you want, any advice or criticism or bad things, I would love to read every single one of them.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You bring up a very valid point — not everyone is cut out to be a step-parent. 😉 So lose any shame, judgment or value you have. This is just about compatibility. That’s it.

Because your fiancee’s daughter is only four years old, she is going to be in his life for a long time. So, too, will his ex, who is the child’s mother. So, you have to come to terms with the fact that if you marry, it will be in everyone’s best interest for you to work out a relationship with your future step-daughter’s mother. This can be difficult. In fact, it often is. There will probably be disagreements over scheduling (as you’re already seeing), money, co-parenting issues with discipline, schooling and your role in parenting this child. This is a lot of work and energy and if you think it’s too much for you, then you should be honest with yourself (which you are) and your fiancee.

On the flip side, your fiancee hasn’t seen his daughter before, so he’s probably making up for lost time, and eventually, over the years, he may not be as interested in making sure he’s in town for her — or he’ll bring her with to visit your family. She will probably also have a sweet relationship with you, too, in spite of the difficulties of parenting and step-parenting. And that may or may not be a plus for you.

As for you coming first, that’s tricky because when there are young children in a relationship, they have to come first. And in a way, it’s great that you’re seeing this now, instead of after you married him. You really have an opportunity to think about whether or not this is for you.

My advice in terms of the trip you were planning to take, is to cancel it for now. It sounds like the child’s introduction into your lives is new, and it should be a priority. Reschedule the trip after a couple of weeks, as you see how you’re feeling, and if it you can, bring the child with you to meet your parents, if you’re still interested in going through with the marriage.

I hope this helps. Let me know what you think and how you’re doing.

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[jspahiu]

Thank you so much for your time and words April. You really made me see things differently.
My boyfriend had a bad time when he dated his ex and was forced and threatened from her family to marry her because she was pregnant. They threatened him with his life and all he feels for this family is hate.Her hates speaking to her , but he has to because he wants to see his daughter .and in the future I don’t really think I would ever talk to her or anything .
I’m really afraid of what might be coming. I already know we are going to disagree for many thins as you mentioned, schedule,money and other things. I don’t know if I’m capable of doing things right this time.
As for my trip back home, I really need that vacation. I want some time away from here to clear my thoughts . Far away from everyone here.
I’m not sure if I want all of this. I get sad everytime he tells me he is seeing his daughter and I don’t know why. I mean I’m happy for him that he is seeing his daughter,but deep inside I’m sad because he is not all mine anymore. I’m really confused with my feelings.🙁

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Dating and marrying single parents is very different from dating and marrying single people without kids, so if you do decide to go through with this marriage, it’s important to understand that in spite of your fiancee’s former relationship with his ex-wife, she is the mother of his child (your future step-daughter), and it’s important for the child that you at least try to have a nice relationship with her mother, and at the very least, don’t speak badly of her. Kids pick up on things! In other words, as with all children, you have to put your feelings on the back burner and do what’s right for your the child. You also have to understand that if you and your fiancee have children of your own, they will have a half-sibling and your family will be a blended family. Those are tough because they have a lot of different relationships — and it’s an opportunity to be open minded and practical, rather than idealistic. So, if the marriage you dreamed of was just the two of you, it no longer is. And your sadness is a kind of grief over the death of that dream. 😳

There is nothing wrong with wanting to be your future husband’s first priority — but this future husband has a four year old daughter, and that means you have to share the spotlight a lot. If you feel that it’s not what you want — and this vacation alone is a good opportunity for you to discuss this with your family and friends as well as ruminate on your own deepest self — then this is the moment for you to move on and find a man who doesn’t have children already and possibly doesn’t want them, so he can make you his first and only priority at home. 😉

This is a time for you to dig deeper into yourself and decide who you are and what you want in your life, more than you have before. It’s a growing opportunity and a way to achieve relationship success by knowing yourself more deeply than you have.

Please check back in and let me know how you’re doing.

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