[Vinteraddict]

So my girl and I have been dating a year now and a couple days ago we watched a movie that brought back past feelings. So she started acting weird. She was balling and told me that she feels like an absolutely horrible person because she still feels in love with her ex whom she’s known for 8 years and dated for 4. She made it clear that she doesn’t have feelings for who he is now because he changed into an abusive bad person. She says that she will never leave me for him or anyone because She’d be a worse person, but she still is in love with memories of who he used to be. She also said that it was so deep that it was destructive and was hurting her every day. But the part that gets to me is that she doesn’t know if she loves the old him more that she currently loves me or not. That she loves me so deeply as a boyfriend but that’s the most I am to her right now rather than a soulmate and I’m what she wants. She says she never wants to love anyone like she loved him again because it destroyed her and she wants to keep what we have forever. But I love her in that soul mate way and I’m faced the possibility that she might never find me that way despite how ridiculously amazing she’s been to me. Shes earned my trust in every way but it still hurts that she I might not be loved by her as deeply as he was. My biggest fear is that when I die that her feelings for him will end up being stronger than for me. Am I just envious? Or should I get out now? Could really use some insight on this.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It’s very rare for two people to feel exactly the same way about each other at exactly the same time, all the time. So don’t worry if you don’t feel the same way she does at the same time she does. In fact, you can feel that she’s your soulmate and that she may not reciprocate those feelings — [i]and[/i] it doesn’t mean you can’t have a long-term commitment. 🙂 Sometimes soulmates are children or friends — not spouses. And, yes, sometimes a soulmate is even an ex with whom things didn’t work out. But soulmates aren’t necessarily, always spouses. So, if you can accept the fact that you and she may have different feelings for each other, but that you’re committed to each other — you can move forward in the relationship, happily.

The problem is that she’s telling [i]you[/i] all this, when she should be debriefing with her best friends, not her partner. Since she’s not interested in acting on her feelings, it’s curious that she’s telling them to you, hopefully knowing you well enough to understand this will hurt you. She may just be a sensitive and dramatic person who feels that the truth is more important than keeping the relationship going, and that the truth will ultimately bring the two of you closer together. Or…. she may just be selfish and not caring about your feelings as much as she’s interested in unburdening her own onto you.

You can talk to you about how this hurts you because you love her so deeply you want to be the only one she wants…. or you can decide that this isn’t a phase she’s going through and something she’s working out, and instead, it’s her letting you know that you’ll never be enough for her. 😕

[Sally]

She’s not choosing her ex, and she’s not in love with who he is now. She’s grieving who he used to be, and that kind of old attachment sticks around longer than people want it to. It doesn’t mean you’re not enough it means she’s scared to love that deeply again because it broke her.

But I get why you feel second place. Anyone would. You’re wondering if you’ll ever be her “big” love, not just the safe one.
Here’s the honest truth: she can build something real with you, but it might grow slowly. You’re not competing with her past you’re deciding if her present love is enough for you right now.

You’re not being jealous. You’re being human. Just take a breath and ask yourself what you need to feel secure with her.

[Tara]

She is still emotionally married to a ghost. Eight years didn’t disappear just because the relationship turned abusive. She didn’t dismantle it; she preserved it, polished it, and locked it in a glass case. And now she’s dragging you into a relationship where half her heart is already occupied.

When someone tells you they don’t know if they’ll ever love you as deeply as their ex, that is not honesty; you applaud, that is your cue to leave. That’s not vulnerability. That’s a disclaimer. She is telling you, to your face, that you may never be chosen the way you’re choosing her. Believe her the first time instead of humiliating yourself by hoping she’s wrong.

Her “I don’t want to love like that again” speech isn’t romantic. It’s cowardice. She’s terrified of intensity, terrified of loss, and terrified of being hurt again, so she’s settling for safe. And congratulations: you’re safe. Predictable. Manageable. Second place with benefits.

You’re not jealous. You’re not insecure. You’re accurately clocking a power imbalance. You’re giving her full access, full devotion, full emotional availability, and she’s rationing herself while keeping emergency exits bolted open. That kind of gap doesn’t heal. It corrodes.

And that fear you have that if you died, she’d still love him more? That’s not drama. That’s your self-respect gasping for air. Your intuition already knows the truth you’re trying to outrun: you are competing with a dead relationship you never agreed to race against.

Sure, she might be loyal. She might be kind. She might never cheat. None of that matters. Because the core issue is this: she’s already had her “great love,” decided it hurt too much, and downgraded you to something safer so she doesn’t have to risk herself again.

[Member]

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