[Anonymous]

Ok, I know this sounds like a really trivial problem, and I hope it doesn’t make me sound shallow, but it does irk me sometimes. I’ve been going out with this woman for a while now, and we get along fine, but it bothers me that she often puts no effort into her appearance. I’m certainly not saying she has to be highly fashionable or wear lots of make up or anything like that (I’m really not into all that)… I’m just saying that I’d appreciate SOME effort.

For example, ALL of her clothes are baggy black clothes. Black pants, black shirts, black shoes, black, black, black. She’s usually a cheerful person, but you’d never guess it by how she presents herself. When we go shopping together, I try to tell her how more colorful clothes would fit her upbeat personality, but she refuses to hear it. Everything HAS to be black. And bland. I’m not talking about a nice black pencil skirt or a stylish black jacket… I’m talking about extremely drab, dull stuff that makes her look unappealing– shapeless pants, shapeless tops, etc. She has a good figure, but you’d never know it. And I’m not saying she needs to flaunt it, but she doesn’t only hide it, she actually makes it look like she’s out of shape.

On top of this, she’s very much a feminist, which I’m cool with, and I agree with a lot of the stuff that she says, but as part of her “protest,” she refuses to shave her legs and underarms. Again, maybe I sound shallow, but it’s a turn off for me. And anytime we’re out somewhere and a woman walks by with shorts or a skirt, showing off shaved legs, I have to listen to a long diatribe about how “shaving legs is so stupid, it’s all just a way of keeping women down, and any woman who shaves her legs is obviously weak-minded,” etc, etc.

I’m not the most fashionable guy by any means, but I do take some pride in myself and try to always look presentable, especially if I know I’ll be seeing her. If nothing else, it’s just a way of showing respect to her, and I guess I’d like the same courtesy returned. But whenever I hint at anything like that, we end up back on a discussion about how society just likes to put women down and treats them like objects that need to be made up to look pretty for men, and how she won’t give in to that, etc, etc. So now I tend to avoid the topic because I’m getting tired of listening to that rant.

Any suggestions? Thanks.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

If your girlfriend wants to date “society” then you should tell her good luck finding that phone number with information. Society doesn’t date her — you do. If she cares about YOU and YOUR feelings, it would be [i]humanistic[/i] of her to consider some compromises within the relationship. The best feminists are those that don’t polarize society by bashing men, or putting down their natural desires and tastes, but instead recognize the value of men, and realize their own power as women. Your girlfriend’s ideals are stunted. She’s got a short term view that isn’t going to serve her in the long run.

Because she’s in a romantic relationship with you, she has a right and a responsibility to take care of you, just as you do of her. Idealism doesn’t belong in a long term relationship — it’s great for certain other venues, but a man and a woman have their own individual tastes, and yours is all about a woman who’s more traditionally groomed. Regardless of her political or idealistic bent, it would be nice if she could shave and wear sexy clothes for you without feeling she’s compromised beyond what she can handle. If she’s so fragile that she can only support her own rigid ideas of fashion and grooming without any regard for you, she’s never going to make it through marriage, family, in-laws, extended family, your work colleagues, hers, neighbors, etc. Life is about compromises and those compromises begin in the relationship she has with you. If she can’t do this — then you should move on. You’re not being shallow or petty. Your desires are valid. Flexibility is what makes relationships work. Ideals that held so rigidly, break up relationships.

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