[Polillo120]

Hi April,
First off, I’m not sure if this belongs here, however I have such an specific issue that it would be hard to find a specific area. So, here it goes… I am a 28 year old guy from Puerto Rico and I have a girlfriend which is 35. Here’s the issue. I am very confused and desperate, because for the first 2 months (we’ve been together for almost five) the intimate encounters were normal, nothing too great or too bad. However in the past month we have only “been together” 3 times, and I wanted to know what was going on. So I talked to her, she told me that sex is not important to her anymore because she does not feel in the mood as often… Which makes me confused about the first months in the relationship and we had more intimate encounters. I am posting this here because I would like to help her in any way I can, I really love her but I am very confused… Thanks for any help…

[April Masini, your AskApril]

The first thing to consider is the sex you’re having with her. There are ways to make sex more enjoyable for women, and you may want to consider the amount of foreplay, the romance, and the technique involved. If the sex isn’t that good for her, it’s not going to be that interesting for her. The second thing to consider is that she may have some other issue going on that affects her sex drive, and a physical exam from a doctor might help rule out any underlying conditions that would create an absence of or a diminished sex drive. Third, stress in her life will affect her sex drive, just as it would anyone’s, and fourth, there’s always the possibility that she’s losing interest in the relationship in general, and the loss of interest in sex may be part of that loss of interest in general.

Hope that gives you a place to start. Let me know if you have any other questions.

[Polillo120]

Thanks for your response, April, I really appreciate it. And you may be right. I guess she is under so many stress for personal reasons, that it could be affecting her. However, it confuses me, because I wonder, why the change? I think that the overall experience is good. I am a very considerate person, I enjoy giving her oral sex, and foreplay consists mainly in manual stimulation on my part, because she doesn’t like kissing. On the intercourse part I try to give her options, but it’s complicated because she likes to be on top. Obviously this position kills my “enthusiasm” pretty fast because I find it very stimulating. I do have to state that this is my first time living together with anyone and I don’t have that much “relationship experience”. I have tried my best on being supportive and always being there for her, but that might have been my big mistake, making myself too available…

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Keep the channel of communication open, and try taking her out of her environment for a hotel night date or a vacation. If the sex is better away from home (and the stresses of home), you may have isolated the problem! 😉

[Sally]

A drop in sex drive doesn’t always mean a drop in attraction or love. A lot of people are more sexual in the early months because everything is new and exciting, and then their natural baseline shows up later. For some people especially as they get older sex just isn’t as central anymore. That doesn’t mean the first months were fake. It just means she may have been riding the “new relationship energy” and now she’s back to who she normally is.

The important part is how you feel. If sex is important to you, that matters just as much as her feelings. Loving someone doesn’t mean ignoring your own needs. Try talking to her again, not to convince her to want sex more, but to understand what intimacy looks like for her now and whether there’s a middle ground.

If your needs and hers don’t line up long-term, that doesn’t make either of you wrong just possibly mismatched. Clarity now is kinder than quiet frustration later.

[Nick Roy]

I think the problem is not sexual, but emotional.
In the beginning, there is a “new relationship energy” in which everything seems exciting, but over time, it diminishes.
If she says she doesn’t feel like having sex, don’t pressure her; give her space.
Meanwhile, I agree with April’s advice that Sex may not be enjoyable for her, so pay attention to foreplay, romance, and techniques.
Ask April here, I need your advice on that
How to keep the ‘honeymoon phase’ alive forever?

[Member]

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