[xyz05]

I have been in a long term relationship with my boyfriend for 6 years now. He and I have an age difference of 6 years, him being the elder one. We always talk about getting married (he wants it sooner since he is elder, I am also okay with it after we both settle down). He is the most caring, sensitive, protective, going to all extremes for my comfort, humorous man. But the issue is that he has not been able to settle down with a steady job that gives the kind of financial stability we both desire. We both do not want ordinary lives, we have discussed about it. I am almost done with my qualification and will be starting a job soon. But he is no where close to such thing. He talks a lot that he wants to do things, but nothing ever materialises out of it.
Apart from this, I might sound shallow, but he is not very good looking, does not take good care of his body. Good looking is not so much of an issue for me because that can always be fixed but materialistic things. He tends to get short-tempered often. But when he is not such, he is the most loving man, and a loyal one at that. We both are from very different backgrounds (mostly economically different). I have started doubting if we are going to have a happy life in the future. I do not want to give up on this, as he is the first and only man I have loved.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

How old are you both?

[xyz05]

Thanks for the reply.

I am 22 and he is 28. We are not American/Europeans, we come from a country where an average age to marry for a woman is 23-25 and for a man is 28. There’s more of a societal pressure. But I am happy settling down in 2-3 years.

Would really appreciate a suggestion, thanks.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I understand your concern. You’re wanting to marry, but you want stability and he’s 28 with no sign of a steady career. The question is why does he not have a stable career. If it’s because he’s a slacker, that’s one thing. If he’s trying to be a concert pianist, chances are the job market is incredibly tough for that skill set! That said, is he being unrealistic, lazy, or is it just a tough job market for his career path?

His short temper is probably not going to go away, so you can decide if you want to be with someone with this temperament, knowing it may get worse as stressors like kids and finances come. And his appearance is your call. If you can marry someone who looks the way he does, then you should go for it. But if it’s a deal breaker, then you should move on — however, I really kind of hear you making a case for moving on. This isn’t just about his absence of success. You’re making it about his looks, lack of fitness and temper, as well. That makes me think you want to move on. 😉

[xyz05]

To be honest, he has tried a lot of things over the years. But nothing materialises . He has been trying, but since he hasn’t spent much time on getting a good qualification, academically, it’s been tough. Something works out for a few months, and then just blows with one complex situation.
I really do not want to move on. Whenever I see my future, I never picture it without him. I’ve been witness to a lot of “not so loyal” relationships, and I feel great to have found a man that does not ever thinks about betraying me, or ever has, and I am not talking just cheating.
Coming from a background where generally your parents fix up your marriage, and if you want to marry for love, you have to convince your parents how he’s the right one for you. The essential thing for them being a financially stable person/family.
And obviously it matters what your family thinks about him. I do not want to start a new life by upsetting anyone.

Looks are not that big of a deal breaker, because I know , with just a tad bit effort, it will be fine.
I am a sucker for love, compassion, loyalty which I get from him. But for us to have a family together, I also want him to be a strong man who can assure me that if ever we land up in jeopardy , we both can take care of the family collectively.
Short temper, is a concern, but he has not done anything yet, that would be considered very abusive, just yelling is something we both do. He just tends to get upset more often. I am just concerned that are the pros big enough to cover the cons to lead a happy future together.

I really want this to work, probably just seeking someone to say it will get better with time and a little bit of luck.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

This isn’t about him — it’s about you!

You have to be a little more analytical about the situation and less emotional. In other words, you should make decisions with your head and not your heart in this case. You’re going to get nowhere if you say, I want this to work, and here are the problems. Instead, ask yourself, what are my deal breakers? Can you live with a man who is not successful? Can you live with a man who has a short temper? If the answer is yes, then stay. If it’s no, then you should move on. You’re smart to consider the pros and cons and see if the pros outweigh the cons. That’s one way of trying to analyze the potential success of a relationship, but another tool is to know your deal breakers. If his lack of success is going to cause a break up or a divorce down the line, then you should cut to the chase now. Love is wonderful, but it’s not enough to hold together a marriage with kids and not enough money when there’s resentment. That’s a recipe for disaster. 😕 You’re wise to ask these questions now, but you have to be brutally honest with yourself.

[xyz05]

Thankyou ! The advice was appreciated.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re welcome. Good luck!

[Sally]

You don’t sound shallow. You sound practical. Loving someone doesn’t mean ignoring patterns, especially after six years. Caring, loyalty, humor those matter a lot. But so does stability, follow-through, and effort. Wanting a better life is one thing. Consistently working toward it is another. Right now, you’re seeing a gap between what he says and what he does, and that gap is making you nervous for the future. That’s not wrong of you.

The temper, the lack of self-care, the job instability, those aren’t small details. Marriage doesn’t magically fix those things. It usually magnifies them.
You don’t have to decide today. But you do need to ask yourself, honestly, if you’re loving who he is now or who you hope he’ll become. Because marrying potential is a risky bet. And it’s okay to admit that love alone might not be enough for the life you want.

[Tara]

You’re not doubting the future because you’re shallow; you’re doubting it because your instincts are screaming, and you’re trying to smother them with nostalgia and loyalty. Six years didn’t turn him into a provider, a planner, or a disciplined adult, and marriage will not magically do that either. He is older, yet you’re the one about to enter stability, while he’s still talking about “wanting” things, like talk is a substitute for action. It isn’t. Dreams without execution are just noise, and you’ve been listening to the same noise for years.

Love doesn’t pay rent, ambition doesn’t materialize because you’re patient, and potential is not an asset; it’s a gamble. You want an extraordinary life, but you’re tied to a man who can’t even manage the basics consistently. Add short temper, poor self-care, and financial stagnation to the mix, and what you’re looking at isn’t a rough patch; it’s his default setting. The “most loving man” routine only shows up when life is easy. Real life will demand resilience, accountability, and follow-through, and he has already shown you where he falls short.

Being your first love doesn’t make him your best option; it just makes him familiar. You’re afraid of starting over, so you’re negotiating with reality instead. If you marry him as he is now, you’re signing up to carry the financial, emotional, and logistical weight while convincing yourself that loyalty should be enough. It won’t be. Resentment will replace affection, and you’ll hate yourself for ignoring the warning signs you clearly see today.

[Serena Vale]

You love him, and that part is real.

But love alone doesn’t build a peaceful life. Right now, you’re not doubting his heart, you’re doubting his stability, his temper, and whether he can meet you where life is going. Those doubts don’t disappear with time or luck.

He’s 28. Effort without results matters. Trying is good, but consistency and growth matter more when marriage, family, and pressure come into play. His short temper is also not a “small thing”, stress usually makes it louder, not softer.

You don’t need to leave today. But you do need clarity. Ask April’s question to yourself honestly: What are my deal breakers? If financial instability and temper are on that list, love won’t cancel them out later.

Wanting it to work doesn’t make it work. Reality does. Be kind to your heart, but be loyal to your future too.

[Member]

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