[keyzman88]

Hi April,

I’m sure you’ve had this one before, just with different circumstances.

I went out with and lived with one of my best friends (girl) for almost 2 years (we were best friends for almost 10 years prior and I moved into her condo). About a year into the relationship, my favorite uncle from childhood came back into my life after having a couple of life-changing experiences (one of them being his 4th divorce, and another being [u]falsely[/u] accused of wrong doing, that if he didn’t cop a plea and was found guilty, could have landed him in jail for 10 years) that caused him to re-think his entire existence and he became a Christian. My whole immediate family are “tow the line” true Bible believing Christians and really do walk the walk and talk the talk. They are not hypocrites in the very lest. He (my uncle) was down on his luck (living in the basement of my parent’s house), lost everything in the divorce, and was feeling pretty low about the outcome of the court case (the plea made him take a 5 year probation, counseling, and other stuff that he has to do for something he didn’t do). My immediate family are amazing people. They will help anyone who is worthy of it. I was raised that way as well.

Meanwhile, my relationship with my girlfriend was not going the way I envisioned it. She had many major issues that I knew about before we started dating…but she admitted that she wanted to work on them with my help. She was also exploring a “spiritual” solution as well. She started that search about 3 months before I started going out with her…and knew this could be a problem because I am agnostic…and definitely believe differently than your standard “run of the mill” born again Christian. We had discussed that prior to the relationship and decided to cross the bridge when we came to it.

My uncle started coming around our place at first through our invitations. It was nice at first. But then, he started coming over more. He started going to the same church as she did, so he would come to get her and they’d go to the “Saturday” service together and then they would come to the bar I was working as a soundman and watch the band and eat…or just go to another place eat…and then come to the bar. Then he started coming around on “non-church nights, bringing dinner, maybe a movie…football season was a thing because they both liked football…I could care less about it. I was ok with this at first because of his circumstances and trying the supportive family member that I am and that he needed to hang around people that could help him and make him feel better about himself.

Then after about 3 months of this, and my girlfriend stating that she knew he was starting to have feelings for her, and her starting to confide in him about the problems her and I were having (one of her issues…everyone has to know the drama she is going through and she has a lot of it), I approached my uncle on New Years Eve and he admitted to having feelings for her. I told him that he should be backing off and that I was saying it nicely because I loved him and understood the time in his life. He backed off for about 3 weeks, and then started coming around more than previously. He started coming over one night a week to do his laundry which saved him a little over $2.00 a week (because our laundry only costs .35 for wash and .35 to dry…but we only had 2 washers and dryers on our floor) but made him spend almost 2 hours more a week doing laundry and 40 minutes of commute back and forth to the condo. But that was his excuse for doing laundry over at the condo.

As my relationship with my girlfriend eroded, the relationship between them grew (which I knew was happening). My uncle was saying to others that he was trying to help us as a couple and also said that he was growing as a Christian with her…but telling her that “If I was your boyfriend, I wouldn’t treat you that way” and other comments like that (my girlfriend told me he was saying these things to her). She also told me that she would never go out with him because of his age (he is 14 years older than her) and also said that it would be creepy.

In the beginning of May, I moved out because the relationship was impossible to bring to any sort of “livable” resolve. Besides, after spending almost 2 years trying to help her with her issues, I became an issue for her. Life is too short to try to fight someone else’s demons that they don’t want to fight…so I was done. Less than 2 weeks later, my uncle changed his status on Facebook to “in a relationship”. I immediately got on the Facebook “chat” line with him and asked him if it was with her…and he admitted that it was, and that I was going to have to roll with it as the situation developed. I was livid.

Then next 2 months have been filled with anxiety. My immediate family seems to be on his side and do not see any impropriety on his part. She became a “part” of our extended family because she was going out with me…and became a Christian so my family thinks the world of her…regardless of her issues. My brother (whom I have a great amount of respect for) is willing to mediate between my uncle and me. But the problem with that is, is that his father-in-law, before marrying his wife, was dating his wife’s sister before that and he sees this as ok.

My standing on the situation is this. I do not think my uncle stole my girlfriend away from me. I broke up with her! My ex-girlfriend can do anything she wants. I have no say-so over that. Once I broke up with her…I relinquished any right of saying anything to her about her behavior. I can tell you that there are people that are close to my ex that want nothing to do with her anymore because of this and her other issues.

But I think that my uncle is another thing. He came in, abused my caring, my trust, and ignored my requests for him to back off…and continued to hang around more. Girlfriends do not date their friend’s ex’s and family should follow the same line of thinking. I think that ethically what he did was wrong. There is no moral standing on this for the Bible doesn’t specifically address this issue. But my uncle (in my opinion) did this..and figured he’d apologize for it later. I do not want to see him at family gatherings, I do not want to see them together at gatherings, but don’t care if she comes to the gatherings because she really needs to hang around my immediate family because of the type of people they are. I think my uncle put his libido before his family without giving it a second thought to what this might do to our relationship. My 13 year old daughter thinks that the whole thing is strange and wrong. How come a 13 year old can see this but grown-ups can’t?

So what do you think? Am I off base here?

[Ask April Masini]

You are not off base in your feelings that you are very, very hurt. Having to see your ex-girlfriend dating your uncle makes that hurt worse. But I think that seeing anyone date your ex-girlfriend would hurt and most people don’t have to see their ex-girlfriends at family events the way you do.

What I hope you’ll understand is more fundamental. If you treat dating like a business, which I advocate for success, you’ll choose wisely when looking for Ms. Right. What you did was pick a woman you knew from the get go had troubling issues 😕 but you decided to try and save her by helping her through them. Not always a good idea. 😳 That means that this relationship was based on creaky ground from the beginning. I don’t think you chose Ms. RIght material from day one.

She declared her own issues with your religious differences a major problem, and your relationship was heading for a break up regardless of whether your uncle or your best friend or some nameless guy was the one she would start dating next. So while you’re hurt, and it’s creepy that a family member is now with your ex-girlfriend, I think your anger is misplaced.

All that said, if it makes you feel any better, your uncle has some serious issues of his own evidenced by four failed marriages and a legal conviction that resulted in 5 years of probation. He and your ex are both looking for healing, and may think that together they can heal each other and themselves. This is a tall order for any relationship. I always suggest that women look for Mr. Right in a man who’s ready to settle down — not a man who’s ready to settle down again and again and again like your uncle is! 😆

So for your daughter’s sake, and your own, be your best self, and understand that your relationship came to an organic end. Your uncle dating your ex is awkward, but you have the manners and the understanding to be civil and polite when you see them (good example for your daughter to see!).

And I’m not just trying to sell books when I tell you that you would really benefit from reading Date Out of Your League, a book I’ve written for men who want to find Ms. Right. It will help you sort out and analyze quickly, the Ms. Rights from the Ms. Right Nows. You can download the book here: [url]http://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/date-out-of-your-league.html[/url] and finish this quick read by the weekend’s end. I know it’s going to help you.

I hope this ALL helps and that you can get through this mess with grace. Please let me know how it goes — and join me on Facebook — I really want to see you and my readers there at this link: [url][/url]. 😀

[keyzman88]

April,

Thank you for your response. I’d like to make myself “perfectly clear”. I am not hurt or angry at my ex. As I stated, she can do whatever she wants. I do not have feelings for her in that way anymore…and my life is happier without her in it.

Who I am angry at is my uncle. His behavior…i.e. inappropriate actions towards his nephew’s (my) girlfriend, his persistence of the pursuance of her, choosing his immediate need over the feelings of his nephew, not giving a damn about the fallout that would happen, not being the more mature person than the ex-g-friend, and all the other surrounding issues that come with this kind of a sticky situation (holiday gatherings all with nieces and nephews). He goes to a church of 20,000 people (a megachurch)…and he didn’t even try to look for someone there. Instead, he opted for the “low hanging fruit”. He broke a trust! His alliance with his family should have came first. He crossed a line that any individual with a more powerful brain than libido wouldn’t have crossed! That is where my anger lies.

It doesn’t hurt that she dating. I don’t care about that. I do care that my uncle is dating her…my problem is him and his actions. Maybe, if there wasn’t any previous problems with him prior to this, and the fact that it was less than 2 weeks, might have put a different spin on it…but that was and is not the case.

[Ask April Masini]

I get it. You’re adhering to the invisible, unspoken code that some guys follow where you don’t date your buddy’s ex-girlfriend. Problem is your uncle isn’t your buddy. In fact, I doubt he’s anybody’s buddy. He’s a very troubled guy who probably has a life history of going for “low hanging fruit” because it’s convenient and easy. If you can wrap your head around this dynamic, and see why and how it happened — and that it will happen again with him, you may feel better.

I know you say, “He broke a trust!” But the problem with that statement is it was a one way trust. You trusted him — and you shouldn’t have. You didn’t have an agreement with him, and he doesn’t follow the same moral standards you do. You exercised poor judgment inviting him into your home. 🙁 I don’t mean to be hard on you, but I want you to understand that there are people like your uncle in the world and you’re probably going to meet up with them again.

Keeping people with lower moral standards in your life can lead to this kind of hurt. It probably isn’t so great for you that your parents housed your uncle in their basement and now approve and welcome him and your girlfriend into their home knowing how he hurt you and broke your code — and that now THEY’RE breaking this code, too, by making what he did okay in their house.

For you, it’s time to raise the bar on who gets into your life and who doesn’t make the cut. You’re realizing that you have different standards in your life than your family — and that’s not a bad thing. You’re individuating and becoming more of who you genuinely are. You deserve to have better folks around you — and so does your daughter. Don’t be afraid, in the future, to keep your company up to code. 😆 Be kind and generous in general, but know the limits of what YOU’RE capable of and of what you want in your life. Not everyone’s going to make that cut, and that’s okay. You get to create the life you want to live. So start doing that today.

[keyzman88]

April,

Thank you for taking the time to write your replies. I sincerely appreciate it. Several points if I may…

Firstly [quote]He’s a very troubled guy who probably has a life history of going for “low hanging fruit” because it’s convenient and easy. If you can wrap your head around this dynamic, and see why and how it happened — and that it will happen again with him, you may feel better. [/quote] I take no solace in that. I feel sad for him. I wish I could help…but we’re kinda past that now 😥

Secondly, my uncle no longer lives in my P’s basement. It was a temporary thing (8 months or so) until he knew what his fate would be legally. He now has his own apartment. Everything that has happened…has happened outside their household. But you are kinda correct in stating that [quote]It probably isn’t so great for you that your parents housed your uncle in their basement and now approve and welcome him and your girlfriend into their home knowing how he hurt you and broke your code[/quote]…and that is because my parents are ok with what is happening. That boggles my mind!

Thirdly, A “Resolution Summit” between my uncle and I is set for 7/6 with my brother mediating. My brother has suggested we submit no more than 5 bullet points to him that he will pass them on to the “other side”. We are very family oriented…and like I previously stated…my brother is a great guy! He is Solomon! I will post the results of that night.

Fourthly, (and most importantly) you stated [quote]For you, it’s time to raise the bar on who gets into your life and who doesn’t make the cut.[/quote] You are correct. Immediate family are in! Favorite childhood uncles…now that is a different story!

I will post after the “Summit”

Thanks again April!

M.

[Ask April Masini]

I was merely making suggestions to help you adjust your behavior and your ideas so you don’t get hurt again. Re-consider some of the things I said. I know you’re wanting to have things be black and white and a certain way because black and white is easier to navigate than shades of grey, but the reality is that what’s before you is extremely nuanced.

It’s great to be “family oriented” but you have to remember that not all family members share your values on all things. If keeping nuclear family close and uncles on the outer periphery works for you, then great, but I think you’re being short sighted. Your parents don’t share your values and without passing judgment, in order to prevent your being hurt like this again, you need to be a little more [i]open minded and aware[/i] of the way people conduct their lives, and then decide how they fit into yours.

I wish you luck.

And I do hope you’ll join me on Facebook. You have a lot to offer that everyone there can benefit from, too. That link, for AskApril.com on Facebook, if you do decide to join, is [url][/url]. 🙂

[keyzman88]

April,

I don’t know if you are still monitoring this site but here we are 2 years later. When I promised updates…this is the final one.

Their relationship (as we both assumed) was doomed from the beginning. I went through a year of defending my position about “the couple” not attending family functions when I was there. I had to go through this EVERY holiday…it was exasperating. The one and only event they attended together that I was at was “uncomfortably wierd”. The nieces and nephews were confused, my oldest niece (16 at the time) told me that she thought it was strange. When I told my sister this in a later conversation (to prove a point that kids can see how weird this is but the grownups can’t)…they MADE her apologize to ME for saying that. I was livid that my sister did that to her daughter.

After that year of constant defense, and the ex-girlfriend (posing as my DEAD ex-girlfriend who died in 2006 of cancer…true story) posting comments on social networks I belong to…I threw in the towel. My mental health and my happiness were becoming compromised and so in June of 2011…I sent my whole family (including the Uncle), that I was done with this. I was allowing them to come to functions…but to stay away from me. It was now up to me to accept whatever emotions happen and deal with them on an intelligent / non-emotional level.

Funny how things work out. A month after I sent it out…they broke up. The details are as follows:
She was never affectionate with him, she would go to bars or outdoor concerts with him and she would totally ignore him…not even hold his hand. According to him…there was very little physical contact with her. Basically, she can’t stand to be alone but makes it difficult to be with her because of all her drama.

My uncle came over and we had a discussion about this and his apology was: “Please don’t tell me ‘you told me so'” and “I’m sorry for letting **** (insert girl’s name here) come between us”. I told him that she didn’t do this…YOU did”. I realized that he still didn’t understand his error…and for the next year, I kept him at arms distance…but I was nice to him…but he knew I was still disappointed with him.

Then a week ago, we were talking about F1 racing (something I do virtually) and metioned the F1 race at SPA in Belguim was on over the Labor Day weekend and asked him to record it for me. He did and we had dinner together at his house last night. It was then he admitted to everything being his fault and shouldn’t have stepped over that line in the first place…etc. After he said that, I told him that he finally gets it..and that “full forgiveness” has been bestowed and that this chapter in our relationship was over and that we are back to the way it used to be.

He’s been through a lot and cutting him slack is something I can be good at…especially since she is no longer in the picture.

So there we have it. Sometimes karma takes a long time to enact its revenge on people…but once it does…it is done the right was.

Just thought you’d be tickled to know about the resolution to this.

Michael

[Ask April Masini]

Thanks for keeping me in the loop. I’m glad things worked out well for you. 🙂

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