[mynina]

I’m 19 and my husband is 20. Just got married last year in March and everything has been great until now. I found these sites when I came home in the afternoon while he was at work. It all seemed to have happened around 2am when we were arguing. He was downstairs on the computer and I was upstairs. We have a mac computer and when you open a new tab it will show you “top sites” which are several sites that you were most on. Most of it was POF.com, this single online dating site. There was his own profile and even other female profiles that I guess he was looking at and messaging. I can see his profile, but I can’t see his actual profile and what he really does because I don’t know the password. His profile sounds like him, things people wouldn’t really know. He has 2 pictures on his profile and coincidentally those EXACT two pictures are saved to the computer, this is one of the reasons why its hard to believe him. I have seen the history and it was a lot. The problem is, is he tells me that it wasn’t him and that someone had hacked it. This is what makes everything not add up because magically we just have a boatload of history on our OWN computer that he has never went on. He swears on his mom(she passed away) and on our son which is due this February. He acts like he is being 100 percent honest with me about everything and that I need to believe him. He is even so willingly to do anything to reassure me that none of that was him by doing a polygraph test and ensuring me in any way he has to do to not make me leave. I find it odd that if it was true then he wouldn’t be acting this way, which is not the case because it’s supposedly not true. It’s really hard to believe him when I have such evidence, yet my husband is so willingly to do anything to make me believe him… And another thing, he says he doesn’t go on Facebook and hasn’t since February 2014. Yet I have seen the computer history of him going on girls profiles, messages, notifications, etc on Facebook. I even went on his page and it shows his profile picture updates, who he has recently became friends with(all girls) and status’ that are almost regularly updated that sounds like him. I tried to log into his Facebook account which I already knew from before and it didn’t work this time. Afterwards I asked for his password which supposedly hasn’t changed and without difficulty he gave it to me(the same password) he even tried himself. Then he doesn’t know his other email account password to retrieve everything that is linked to that email, but he says he it’s so old that he doesn’t know… which I find odd! He claims since February 2014 he hasn’t been on it, but on his profile it shows activity that he has been on it since the ending of November. He again told me that since february he hasn’t been on it, password hasn’t changed and that someone must be hacking him with this site too. I want to believe him, but the history shows him being on Facebook, POF(dating site) and the sites itself showing his own activity. We have had issues before of him not treating me right, him not knowing what he wanted leading us to be off and on, talking/meeting other girls while being with me or in his head since we were off. I actually don’t even fully know everything because thats how clueless I was of what was really going on in our relationship. I left and ever since we got back together everything was better and he had changed so much that even I was greatly impressed. We got married shortly after we got back together and he hasn’t given me a reason to question his loyalty just amaze me vastly in how he shows that he loves me and acts all about me, until this incident… I almost feel like this could all be true because I pushed him that way that he felt he needed to go outside of your relationship to solve problems within a relationship and that maybe because I was a bit too much he was tired of it that it was a motive for him to do such things… I have gone over this issue over and over with him the whole night and he started to feel so bothered that I would think of him to such inappropriate things when he past that and the fact the I’m not believing him that he has became frustrated and began to cry thinking I would leave him when it isn’t true. I know this is stupid because of obvious proof, but could it be possible that everything is not what it really is? That he actually is being honest and there is a hacker for these sites despite the history on the computer. Just by his actions of doing whatever he can to prove to me that I’m wrong, to not lose me and is true to me and only me- Does he really love me more than just someone he really “cares” for, but ultimately genuinely, deeply, and intimately soul to soul? Please help.

[AskApril Masini]

First of all, I don’t think there was a hacker. I think you and your husband were having problems and he went to online relationships. I’m not sure if he went to real life relationships beyond the internet, but either way, I think you’re focusing on the wrong thing. The root of all this is that you’re having problems in the marriage, and his online extra curricular activities are symptoms, not the original problem. If you want to work things through, you need to look at what’s really happening between the two of you, and what the real problems are — and not get caught up in this hacker business. You haven’t talked about what the two of you have been fighting about, but that’s where I’d advise focusing your energy. 😉 I hope that helps.

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[mynina]

Thank you I see what you’re saying… Well we had agreed to him taking me for a walk, massaging me and reading the bible which he hasn’t been doing when he says he will. There are a lot of days when I just let it go or remind him about or other things, but still he doesn’t follow up with it most of the time and half the time he doesn’t do it because he is tired from playing basketball even though he knew what he had to do. I understand that people forget, they’re tired or something comes up, but if happens frequently I don’t think it’s excusable and especially when I start to feel that he’s not prioritizing me. So I was telling him that night about how he needs to keep his word and I kept going on because I was frustrated how we’ve gone through this before and that he wasn’t really saying much when I was addressing my issue, it was like he was just “hearing” me but not actually “listening” to what I had to say. We have had a few of these before so this is why I always get frustrated because we have gone through it enough for him to know better. I don’t expect change right away, but not if we go over the same issue multiple times… After we compromise and have an understanding of the issue I have always and always given him the benefit of doubt and then he lets me down repeatedly which has made me complain more about it. Yes there are some days when I do see him trying and making progress, I try not to let it get it to me to give him some slack, but sometimes I just can’t help it because it really bothers me thinking he’s not really trying or that he doesn’t care anymore. So fast forward thats how it ended when he went downstairs for a couple hours till I went down to get him. My question is how can we move forward when he keeps denying about what he did on everything I have found?? I have asked him about what are the main problems in are relationship, where do I lack in, and he explained his faults and then moved on to what I need to work on- How I don’t believe him sometimes, I know I can be too much in asking him things, but SOMETIMES I feel it shouldn’t be a problem when I am just cluing myself in on things I don’t know or am unsure about and I have been really trying to fix this flaw. I almost feel he is saying it mostly so I can believe him about this internet incident. I have told him that if it’s not you, wouldn’t you be embarrassed and do whatever you can to fix it with these sites that have your name, pictures, information, etc. that make you look bad and make me look stupid that you are married and doing inappropriate things. All he said was he is, but is more worried that whoever is doing this might get our personal information( bills, etc.) through his email and that whatever is being done online is just online by someone else and this person can’t be meeting them physically… It’s almost as if because he hasn’t done anything beyond internet infidelity except interacting only online- He isn’t worried if I do end up finding the messages and whats being done on his accounts, I won’t have anything on him because his excuse will be that it is nothing because it is only online and that those people interacting with him is actually someone else not him. He’s smart he does it only online and he figures he can’t get caught because he hasn’t met them physically so people and myself won’t have anything on him because his excuse is its someone else. It’s a lose lose for me, even if I find everything on his accounts I still won’t get his honesty… How can I have him to be fully honest about this situation? How can we move forward when he keeps denying about what he did on everything I have found?

[AskApril Masini]

You have to focus on what YOU are willing to change in YOUR behavior. 😉 You’re super focused on him and his faults. 😕 I don’t disagree with you — and I know you’re disappointed, but you’re not going to get him to admit his guilt, so I think you should move on. Blaming him further, is not going to get you out of the rut your marriage is in, it’s just going to dig you in deeper. 😳 Sometimes you have to give up the battles to win the war. In other words, let things go in order to make the relationship work. That’s why my suggestion is to make a list of things YOU can do to make your life better.

I know that it may seem distasteful to you to try and make your sex life with him better, since he’s got this internet life going on without you, but if he’s looking elsewhere for women, it would seem that you might want to try and make your own sex life with him more appealing to him, so he won’t want to go elsewhere. I’m not sure what your romantic life is like, or if you’ve let date night go, but you might want to dial up your romantic gestures towards him. Men want to be your hero, and if you let him be — and let him be good at things, even great at them, and compliment him on them, he may turn towards you more, instead of away.

I know this is a big change from the way you’ve been thinking, but you need to do something differently. 😉

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[mynina]

I see what you’re saying. Something I would’ve never considered due to the way I think… It just really bothers me knowing I wasn’t the one for him or that one special person for him to stay true to all naturally. Its like a slap in my face knowing I was suppose to be the “one” who was special to him and then he goes against me with another woman(s) to take that away from me as if some woman had to seemed greater than me for him to be distracted from me, like now I have no meaning to him Im not that ONE person who is “great” or “special” to him. Almost as if now Im no different to other women, I am no longer recognized as what makes me “different”/”special” out of all these other women bc he has cheated. I really feel that 2 people should have this one of a kind “bond” or “connection” that separates them from other people outside the relationship. Its why you’re with them and only them. you and your partner shouldn’t seek to someone else to fill you or their needs when you already have that someone. And because of that, that’s what makes you want to be with and stay with only with. Isn’t that why you are with this person? The only one that should fulfill you… I don’t believe that in order to obtain a successful long-term relationship one of the other or both cheat somewhere down the road. Like is there such a thing of having a successful long-term relationship with no infidelity whatsoever? If there is such a thing, are we just wasting our time since we don’t satisfy each other enough to stay happy and content with another willingly and naturally and because of that there is someone else out there meant for us? Are we both wasting our times and aren’t each others soulmates? How can I get over my trust issues and will we ever obtain a successful relationship again??

[AskApril Masini]

It sounds like you’re having a coming of age moment, where you realize that marriages are not perfect, and relationships are dynamic. What you thought would happen, is not what really happens in many marriages. And it’s great that you had ideals going into marriage, but those are your ideals. When you’re in a relationship with another person, their ideals are half of the relationship. Just because you want them to have the same ones you do, doesn’t mean they do. Now, you have to decide how to proceed, given the different ideals between you and your husband. 😉

[quote]I really feel that 2 people should have this one of a kind “bond” or “connection” that separates them from other people outside the relationship. Its why you’re with them and only them. you and your partner shouldn’t seek to someone else to fill you or their needs when you already have that someone. And because of that, that’s what makes you want to be with and stay with only with. Isn’t that why you are with this person? [/quote]

That’s why YOU’RE with one person. You have to understand that other people don’t always feel the same way you do. This isn’t just about you. 😉

[quote]The only one that should fulfill you… I don’t believe that in order to obtain a successful long-term relationship one of the other or both cheat somewhere down the road. Like is there such a thing of having a successful long-term relationship with no infidelity whatsoever?[/quote]

Yes, there is. Lots of people have this type of relationship. 😉

[quote] If there is such a thing, are we just wasting our time since we don’t satisfy each other enough to stay happy and content with another willingly and naturally and because of that there is someone else out there meant for us? [/quote]

Slow down…. and look at what’s really going on. He’s the one who is not satisfied in the relationship and went outside it. It sounds like you were satisfied with the relationship, but he wasn’t. I don’t think that working on your marriage is wasting your time, and so far, I haven’t heard you say you’re willing to work on the relationship — just criticize it. Are you willing to make any changes to work on your marriage? That’s the question you have to ask yourself. If you’re not willing to do any work, then there probably won’t be any good changes coming down the pike. 😳 Infidelity doesn’t happen in a vacuum. Is there anything you can do to make your marriage better?

[quote]Are we both wasting our times and aren’t each others soulmates? [/quote]

If you’re not willing to work on your marriage, then you are wasting your time. He may or may not be your soulmate, but that’s separate from this issue of infidelity.

[quote]How can I get over my trust issues and will we ever obtain a successful relationship again??[/quote]

The way to get over your trust issues start with you figuring your part in the infidelity. I’m not blaming you, but I am saying that cheating doesn’t happen to one person. It happens to the marriage, and your husband is part of the marriage. Something in the marriage caused him to outside of it — since you haven’t mentioned him cheating on you prior to the marriage. Your job is to try to work on the marriage so he wants you and he wants to stay in it. I know it’s difficult to do, and it takes time, and you’re hurt, but if you only point the finger at him and blame him, you’ll never be able to do the work YOU need to do to try and make this work. 😉 Regaining trust takes time, communication and understanding.

I hope that helps.

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[mynina]

Well I do want to work it out at a certain extent, but then I don’t because I feel Im putting in my part to try fix it. And because of that I feel I will still end up losing a second time around because he is not being so open right now about the main problems in our marriage and with that how will be able to fix the problems of why he went to online relationships(even though I have to chosen to forget and move on in order to make our relationship bc he will never be honest about it). Where do we go forward. I am trying with myself. I know we have problems and its the reason why he went elsewhere, but I am getting nothing from him. I have decided to just bite the bullet and just move on about the whole infidelity situation in order for things to work. I have told him even though I believe him I would like to know about our problems in our relationship and he has only told me and acted that everything is fine-there are no problems he is happy, satisfied by me emotionally, physically etc. He has understood with me that being open about everything will only benefit us and that’s something hes openly to do but says theres no need to do that now when everything is okay. I am quite confused. Where is he meeting me half way. If anything I am trying to make this work more than he seems to.

[AskApril Masini]

You have to decide what YOU are willing to do. Make a list of 10 things YOU are going to do to make the marriage better. Instead of asking him where the problems in the marriage lie, ask YOURSELF. I bet you have some good ideas of where things have fallen down. 😉

When men stray, it’s usually because they don’t feel the way they want to where they are. Can you figure out where he’s not feeling the way he wants to at home? Are there things you can do to make changes in your behavior? What can YOU do to make the marriage a better one?

I know it’s hard not to blame him and it’s hard to ask him what to do, or where he thinks the problems are — but that’s not going to help. YOU have to do things differently, YOURSELF. 😉 Make that list I suggested, and start ticking them off.

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[mynina]

I have. One of them would be sometimes I need to stop constantly questioning him as if I don’t trust him, which I don’t intentionally mean to make it seem like. I’ve been working on some things I need to work on hes mentioned from previous arguments we’ve got into. But right now its really hard at the place we are at now, especially when he isn’t giving me too many reasons to trust him or the fact that hes showing me he wants our marriage to work after the incident and trying to move forward. He still goes out on his day offs for whatever reason, 5+ hours gone with no calls, then will have an excuse on why he didn’t do what he told me. Hes not giving me too many reasons to trust or assured nothing is going on– We live with my grandparents and have no money. He works under the table for 2 1/2 weeks and I have yet to see any cash come in, he said he is waiting for his check and he has used this excuse 3times for being out a long long period of time because he is handling it with them. Also we just had a baby shower that has gave us $600 for our baby. This is the ONLY money we have… And both agreed it is only for our son. So far we’ve spent $160 and now we only have $65 only in walmart and babies r us gift card. With $375 gone me and my husband only know about this and I have yet to spend it with so many things I need to for the baby. Money has been slowly missing since the day the incident started, I brought it up as soon as it was missing but he claims he didnt take it but money still has been going since. He has a money saving problem and we both know that. I try my best to help him and us and he has been making progress, but very slowly. Being homeless, a runway, living with friends or strangers he has had a stealing problem before throughout his life. I just wouldn’t think it would be in our own marriage. Now that there is nothing to take, I find it weird how all the money and debit gift card are taken but not the other gift cards. Could he be taking it?? He says maybe we misplaced it, but i have been keeping update with the money/whats been taken EVERYDAY… This is really making things difficult for me to try and make things work and to trust him. I feel like everything is just adding up and it could possibly be true that he is doing more than just internet affairs and still is, since he is still going out handling “things”….

[AskApril Masini]

Woah. You just unloaded a lot of information that is new, and makes it clear that the infidelity is just one problem you’re having in the relationship. 🙁

It sounds like you have financial problems, too. You wrote that the two of you are living with your grandparents instead of in your own place, which I guess is for financial reasons, and that he’s working under the table — I’m not sure what that means other than he’s not declaring or paying taxes on the money he’s making, but he’s also not bringing any money home. 😕 It sounds like he’s spending it on himself. It isn’t clear if you’re working, and if you’re not, I don’t know how you’re supporting yourselves. 😕 My first piece of advice is that you both get jobs! 😉 That’s going to alleviate a lot of pressure, and you’ll be able to move out of your grandparents house and get your own place. You’ll both feel much better about being independent. And when people feel going about themselves, they’re happier and they take care of each other. 😉

You also mentioned that you’re pregnant, so this is even more reason for both of you to get jobs so you can support the baby! It’s really tough if you have to rely on baby shower gifts to support you, rather than supplement your life. 🙂

Lastly, you say that he’s stolen the baby shower gift cards, and that he has a history of stealing that predates your marriage, and that you knew about his history of stealing, but that you didn’t think it would bleed into the marriage. 😕 But it has. 😳 This isn’t just a guy with an infidelity problem in a marriage. He’s got problems with boundaries and sticking to the rules. It isn’t clear he’s interested in supporting you and the baby. The idea that he’s working “under the table” and not declaring income or paying taxes falls into the same categories as not sticking to marriage parameters and stealing from your household money as well as any money you had saved from your shower for the baby. And not paying taxes is a simple way he’s withholding money from the community.

You’re beginning to paint a picture I didn’t see before. He’s got a lot of problems, beyond what you originally wrote about, and I don’t think you can fix them. Between the infidelity, the stealing baby gifts, the not contributing to household costs, and not paying his taxes, you’re looking at a guy who is making his character clear to you. It doesn’t sound like he’s a very generous person. I know you want things to be different, but with this new information, I don’t think it’s going to be. 🙁

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[mynina]

I see. Hard to hear that 😥 actually 325 cash gone no gift cards I found one of them laying around. He just lost his job so he works under the table because he wanted the fastest opportunity for us to get money till he can get a real job again. I think it would be a good idea for me to work though. I have took your advice to go about moving on in order for things to work or it will just get deeper… & I know he is genuine it’s just hard to know everything that has happened while he claims he wouldn’t do such a thing. I guess I will have to wait and see how everything will go when the baby comes because my son is more important and I won’t keep being in a toxic relationship and someone that can’t value me. Thank you for your advice and time 😀

[AskApril Masini]

You’re very welcome. Good luck to you, and I’m here if you have further questions and want some advice. 😉

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[Ethan Morales]

The reality is that what you discovered on the computer POF activity, Facebook activity, messages to other women is unlikely to be a hacking issue. While I get that it’s tempting to give him the benefit of the doubt, the pattern, history, and coinciding saved images all strongly suggest that he engaged in online relationships. This isn’t about catching him in a technical lie; it’s about observing behaviors that indicate a real breach of your marital trust. The key here is not just the evidence itself but how it makes you feel. If you’re constantly questioning whether he’s telling the truth, your instincts are signaling that something is off, and it’s worth taking seriously.

Your trust issues are understandable. You’ve seen him deny actions that have concrete evidence and make explanations that feel inconsistent like claiming he hasn’t used Facebook since 2014, yet showing activity in November and other recent dates. The problem isn’t that he’s denying everything it’s that his denials prevent you from moving forward. Trust is a two-way street, and right now, the foundation of your marriage has cracks that need honest work from both of you. Even if he’s crying and swearing he loves you, you cannot build security in the relationship if the behavior that broke your trust isn’t acknowledged fully.

The root of the issue seems deeper than just the internet activity. April Masini emphasized this as well: cheating doesn’t happen in isolation. Your marriage clearly has ongoing conflicts, frustrations, and unmet needs on both sides, which were exacerbated before and during this incident. You’re frustrated with him not keeping promises, not prioritizing you, and not fully communicating all of which contribute to why he might have sought attention elsewhere online. If you want to repair this marriage, the work has to include honest communication about these underlying issues, not just trying to “prove” whether he cheated online.

Your feelings of being unrecognized, undervalued, or not “special” are completely valid. Infidelity even online can feel like a personal rejection, a reminder that you weren’t enough to meet someone’s emotional or psychological needs. But it’s important to distinguish between his choices and your self-worth. You being “the one” or having a unique bond doesn’t guarantee fidelity. Relationships are dynamic; two people may care deeply about each other but still make destructive decisions when needs aren’t met or when communication breaks down. Understanding this can help you process the hurt without internalizing blame or defining your value based on his actions.

Moving forward requires a balance of self-reflection and boundary-setting. Masini’s advice highlights a crucial point: focus on what you can do differently to strengthen your part of the relationship. That doesn’t mean excusing his behavior it means making the marriage functional and fulfilling within your control. Identify concrete ways to improve communication, intimacy, and mutual understanding. At the same time, set clear boundaries about honesty, accountability, and financial transparency. Your trust can only rebuild if he shows consistent, verifiable changes, not just promises.

The question of whether you can have a successful, long-term marriage after this is complex but not impossible. Trust will take time to repair, and emotional wounds need patience and effort on both sides. Healing starts with acknowledging the truth of what happened, understanding why it happened, and committing to practical steps to address the underlying marital issues. If he refuses full transparency or you find yourself constantly doubting him, the cycle of hurt will continue. Your focus should be on creating a foundation where honesty, communication, and respect are non-negotiable and only then can you assess whether this marriage can be fully restored and thrive.

[Tara]

Your husband isn’t being “hacked,” he’s being unfaithful. And the fact that you’re even entertaining the hacker fantasy tells me you’re more afraid of the truth than the betrayal itself. Nothing about this situation is mysterious. His photos didn’t magically upload themselves. His conversations didn’t type themselves.

His Facebook activity didn’t sprout out of thin air. Hackers don’t break into accounts just to flirt with women using your husband’s selfies like a bored teenager. That’s not cybercrime, that’s him.

He’s swearing on his dead mother and unborn child because he knows you respond to emotional theatrics more than logic. Tears aren’t proof of innocence; they’re proof he’s terrified of losing the comfortable setup he created. And you’re falling for it because you want to believe you didn’t marry a liar at nineteen. But you did. And the history you already know the on-and-off behavior, the other girls, the confusion, the immaturity didn’t magically disappear just because you got married. Marriage didn’t change him. It just gave him better cover.

You’re convincing yourself you “pushed him” into this like his lack of integrity is your responsibility. That’s self-blame disguising itself as devotion. You didn’t create his behavior. You’re just finally seeing it without the denial filter.

[Natalie Noah]

What you’re feeling right now is the collision between the relationship you hoped you had, and the reality you’re waking up to. You believed in a kind of loyalty that was sacred, exclusive, soul-deep and that belief is beautiful. Truly. But when someone else doesn’t share that same emotional blueprint, it hurts in a very specific and personal way. It feels like betrayal of your worth, your specialness, your irreplaceability. You’re not crazy for feeling that. You’re human. And you’re grieving the version of love you thought he held with you.

The online activity wasn’t a “hacker.” It was a symptom not of your value, but of his emotional immaturity and his inability to handle conflict in a healthy way. When some people feel overwhelmed, criticized, or disconnected, they escape instead of repairing. They go into the digital world because it gives them validation with low effort and no accountability. But his behavior is not a measurement of your worth. It’s a measurement of his coping skills or lack of them.

The hardest part is that he won’t admit it. And that keeps you stuck. You can’t heal something someone refuses to acknowledge. So your brain is looping: “If he won’t tell the truth, how can I ever trust him again?” And that’s valid. Denial from a partner is emotional quicksand. the more you dig for answers, the deeper you feel pulled under. At some point, the question becomes less “Is he lying?” and more “Can I build a future with someone who handles mistakes this way?”

Your fear that you “weren’t special enough” for him to stay loyal… that’s the wound talking, not the truth. Infidelity doesn’t happen because the betrayed partner wasn’t enough. It happens because the cheating partner wasn’t enough not grounded enough, not mature enough, not emotionally available enough. Your capacity for deep, soul-level loyalty is a strength. But you need someone who can meet you at that level, not someone who drags you down into emotional instability and self-doubt.

So moving forward isn’t about forcing him to admit what he did. You can’t parent a confession out of someone. Moving forward is asking yourself: What do I need to feel safe, valued, and loved? What changes would I need from him? What changes am I willing to make? And if he can’t meet those needs, am I willing to love myself enough to walk away? You’re at a crossroads not of marriage vs. divorce, but of self-worth vs. self-abandonment. The answer you choose shapes everything.

[Member]

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