[TeresaEvers]

I am married, however, it’s for financial reasons and our child. I reconnected with an ex-boyfriend (my first love) 7 months ago. He is also in an unhappy marriage. Our emails increased and we started to make phone calls and texts that became romantic in nature. Nothing serious or sexual, but he made comments like “We would be so good if we were together”; “I was so tempted to call you last night”; “I feels so good just to hear your voice”; “I love talking to you so much”, etc.. During these last 3 months or so, things escalated to almost daily contact of either texting or a call. I should add that we live on opposite coasts, so this is long distance connection only. 2 weeks ago, he confessed that he has had a girlfriend the entire time. He explained that he didn’t expect our friendship to evolve the way it did and that he never meant to hurt me. He added that he enjoys my friendship very much and wants that part to continue. I have strong feelings for him and I’m afraid that I might be blind to the correct way to process this. He never made a commitment to me, nor did he imply that we were in a relationship, but I feel that the way he has handled himself was deceptive and misleading. I feel that if he cared about me he would have thought of the consequences of building a romantic connection with me, while he knew he was already taken. I’m feeling sad and hurt and not sure how to process what has occurred. Was he selfish and/or deceptive, or did I read too much into his romantic undertones, frequency of contact and supportiveness?

[AskApril Masini]

I think you’re ignoring the underlying problem here: You’re unhappy in your marriage. You’re staying because of finances and because you think it’s best for your child. But you’re looking for attention outside of the marriage. This ex-boyfriend is doing the same thing. It’s a tough situation because unless you have an agreement with your husband that he’s okay with your looking for love and attention outside the marriage, the very family structure you’re trying to protect with marriage, is being threatened by your going outside it. Your ex-boyfriend probably never intended to take his flirtation with you beyond a flirtation. You were safe to him because you’re married, across the country, and to a certain extent, committed to that marriage. All those things make you safe in terms of threatening his marriage. I don’t know what the relationship he has with his girlfriend is like, but you can count on his having flirtations like the one he had with you, with other women, too. I know that’s hurtful to you, but consider the entire set up. 😕

My advice is to forget the “friendship” you have with him. That’s a bust. Let go of him and move on. He’s not who you think he is, and you’ll just fall back into this same disappointment again. Instead, consider working on your marriage, or reconsidering leaving it in order to find genuine affection and respect with someone who is available and ready to be yours (all yours). 😉

[Sally]

This one hurts in a quiet, confusing way.
You didn’t imagine it. Daily contact, emotional closeness, romantic comments like that — those aren’t neutral. Anyone would read meaning into it. So no, you’re not crazy or blind.

Was he selfish? Honestly, yes. Even if he didn’t plan for it to go there, he kept feeding the connection while knowing he was already taken. That matters. Caring means thinking ahead about consequences, not just enjoying how good something feels in the moment.

At the same time, this connection probably gave both of you an escape from lives that feel stuck. That doesn’t make it fake, but it does make it risky.
If you keep him in your life as “just a friend,” your feelings aren’t going to magically shut off. Be honest with yourself about that.
Sometimes the kindest thing you can do for yourself is step back, even when it hurts.

[Tara]

You didn’t misread anything; you ignored what you didn’t want to see. This man knowingly built an emotional affair with you while being unavailable on every level, and he concealed his girlfriend because the fantasy only works when the truth is hidden. Daily contact, romantic language, emotional intimacy, and future-leaning comments are not “friendship.” They are bait. And he fed it to you while keeping his real life intact. That is deception, whether he admits it or not.

Now look at your own role without flinching. You’re married “for financial reasons and the child,” which means you were already emotionally checked out and vulnerable. He offered nostalgia, validation, and escape, not commitment. When reality threatened his comfort, he revealed his girlfriend and immediately tried to downgrade you to “friend” so he could keep the emotional supply without consequence. That’s not care. That’s selfishness dressed as gentleness.

If he were serious, there would be no girlfriend, no secrecy, and no ambiguity. Men who want a future don’t hide behind distance, marriages, and convenient excuses. He wasn’t building toward you, he was using you to feel wanted while avoiding risk. And yes, you let it happen because it felt good to be chosen, even temporarily.

[Member]

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