[Traci]

I need advice, I’ve been in a situation now for almost 9 years and really don’t know what to do. I pray for guidance, sometimes I know I need to get out of the relationship and other times I doubt myself and feel that I am the cause of the issue.
My marriage was ending, I met a man that I honestly at that time believed was just a friend. I didn’t think much more than that until my husband (separated) made me see differently. Pointed out that this man was interested in more with me. This man was married so maybe that is why I chose to only see it as innocent. Anyway, for a year this man would email me or IM me stories of his life/ childhood etc. It was pulling me in, bringing me in to a place that he had not allowed others. We formed a close bond. After about a year of this we finally met one or one for lunch and after shopping and eating we shared a peck of a kiss.
My feelings for him were growing fast, I had fallen in love with him and him with me. A month after that kiss, we became intimate. For a year we remained a secret until his wife found out. We attempted to end things for the sake of his marriage but were not very successful. He and his wife removed their wedding rings, moved into separate bedrooms but remained married and in the same home for their 4 children.
He kept promising me that once he figured the finances out, where he would not compromise his wife or children’s lives anymore then we already had…………he would move out and file for divorce. There were many deadline dates, and ultimatums given by me and empty promises by him. I really do believe that he was so worried that his children would hate him and he would end up failing them as his father did to him…….that emotional struggle has kept him there. He is very close with his kids.
I finally 5 years ago pulled myself out completely, wouldn’t see him or talk to him until he filed for divorce. These past 5 years have destroyed us, our love is still there but now our trust and belief in each other is gone. He blames me for not loving him enough through his toughest times, I blame him for not respecting me and our love enough to take the final steps that would allow us to love freely.
We still text here and there but there is so much resentment, bitterness and blame that every conversation turns in to a vicious fight. We both desperately want to be together but I feel that I’ve given way too much time to this and he is still too scared to leave. Finances are no longer an issue for him.
Every time I try to come back and love him through this, he never takes the action steps that I need him to save us. He says it’s because I can’t love him for more than a day without saying goodbye. It’s a mess but my God I love this man, I can’t see myself with anyone else but him.
Should I give up and walk away completely or dive in and lift him up to get through leaving his children? Whatever your answer is to that question, please tell me how.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

[quote]Should I give up and walk away completely or dive in and lift him up to get through leaving his children? Whatever your answer is to that question, please tell me how.[/quote]

This is a lot simpler than you think it is. 😉 But it requires more honesty with yourself — about yourself.

If you want to stay with a man who is married, then continue on your path. But if you do, it’s unfair for you to expect him to change. So if you want his company, his romance and your sex life together, you have to stop asking him to leave his family. You’ve been with him for nine years, and he’s been married for all of those nine years. He never hid the ball or pretended he wasn’t married — he was always upfront about his marriage. You are the one who changed the game on him. 😥 So, if you want to stay with him, stay — but be honest and don’t game change. Accept him for who he is — then take it or leave it, but making him miserable and yourself miserable by trying to get him to leave his wife and kids when he clearly doesn’t want to, is a bad plan on your part and it’s making everyone, including you, upset.

If what you really want, if you’re being honest with yourself, is to be with a man who is single and available, then you have to find one, and stop trying to turn apples into oranges. So be super honest, decide what YOU want, and then go get it!

Since you asked me to tell you how, I will — but I can’t make you do it. You have to be responsible for that!

So, if you want to stay with your married boyfriend, then stop complaining that he is married. Just zip it and be honest with yourself that this is what you want and you will do what you need to do to keep it going. And, if you decide that you want to leave him, then stop taking his calls, e-mails and visits. If that’s too hard, change your phone number, block him on the internet, and if you have to, move from your apartment. Start dating other men. And be clear that you want someone who is single. 😉

If you have more specific questions, you’re welcome to ask me — and if you don’t, then I hope this helps.

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