[EastCoaster82]

Hi everyone! Okay here is my story and then my question: I recently met a men online who lives outside of my city, about a couple of hours away. We have been hitting it off chatting and in our emails and such and now we want to meet, he has suggested that I go to his city as there is an excellent wine bar that he wants to take me too. We both have a passion for wine. Anyways, I just assumed that since I was the one making the trip, paying for my gas to get there, and obviously spending some money when Im there with him, that he would pay for my accommodation to stay at a local hotel. I guess, and maybe this is my bad, I just assumed that he would take care of that. So I actually have a discount code for a hotel there and I said “Oh when you are booking the room, feel free to check out this hotel and use my discount, its a great discount” and then he wrote me back and said “Did I read your msg correctly, you want me to book you a room at the hotel?!”…I was very taken aback by this and just said “Ummmmmmmm no i guess…I can do it suppose” and he replied “Cool”

Now, I know its the year 2014 and I am a very independent woman who absolutely would not expect the guy to pay for everything!!!!! But in this case, it would be nice where he was the one to ask me to go see him and I will already be spending other money travelling that he wont have to that he would be like “Absolutely, I will book you a room and send you the itinerary” and just for fun, I checked that hotel with my discount and altogether it would cost him with taxes $104 which for hotel these days is an excellent deal. I am wondering how to proceed because there is no way I am going if he honestly expects me to eat all those costs. What should I say back to him or what should I do. Thanks everyone!!!!!!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Rather than pass judgment, or create a gender war, look at what you’ve learned from this experience — about yourself, and this guy. 😉 You’re someone who expects a man to pull his weight financially, at the least, and treat you, at best. What you didn’t realize is that not everybody is on the same page that you are. And again — rather than pass judgment, it’s better to accept, and then figure out how to proceed in a way that’s good for you. 🙂 When you meet someone online, you have a lot less to go on than when you bump into someone cute at a coffee shop, and he immediately offers to buy your latte because he likes you and wants to impress you. By making this date, you learned about this guy. When men don’t offer to pay — whether it’s for dinner or a hotel room, it can indicate that he’s going to be less than generous in other scenarios — which includes the bedroom. Or, it may be that he’s just broke. Or, that you make a lot more money than he does, and while you don’t realize that, he does — and is looking for a sugar mama.

It’s also not a good idea for you to make the first move when dating. In other words, don’t go to him. If he’s really interested in you, he’d have offered to travel to you, or paid for your hotel room. That he’s not, indicates his level of interest, and it’s not high. 😕 My advice at this point, since you really do seem to be taken aback by his behavior, and seem to be doing the chasing, rather than letting him chase you — is to cut your losses and cancel the trip. Even if you lose the $104 it’s a worthwhile lesson.Tell him that you thought about it, and realized that you’re not going to be able to make the trip. And leave it at that. If he responds by showing you that he wants to follow up and drive the two hours to where you are, to take you out to dinner — then you can decide at that time if you want to accept a date. However, if he doesn’t, I’d move on.

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[EastCoaster82]

Hi April,

First of all thank you SO much for taking the time to read my post and respond so quickly!! I took your advice and told him that I thought about it and actually won’t be able to make the trip to SJ. Not only did he not offer to come and visit me or take me out to dinner or anything to rectify the situation, he simply replied with a casual nicety and I haven’t had a text from him since and I probably won’t ever hear from him again which actually, I am more than okay with. Because as you said, it clearly shows his level of interest which is non existent and obviously why would I waste my time on someone like that. Like I said, I don’t expect the man to do everything, pay for everything, etc. but I believe, as you said, that if a man truly has interest in you he will make that effort especially for the first meeting.

So again, thank you for the advice. It probably saved me a lot of frustration with this guy.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re welcome. You sound like you have a good handle on everything. By not going, you saved yourself a tremendous amount of aggravation, confusion, disappointment, anger — and money! Next!!

Lesson learned. You’re going to be just fine!

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