[Anonymous]

Need to move on with my life and stop thinking non-sense!

So here is how my story begins…I met my husband when I was 17 (I am now 27) and for most part our relationship was a long distance one, we went to different schools and then we found jobs in different cities. We knew it was what needed to be done, and we knew that we would be together eventually.
Due to life circumstances, 2 years ago I met this guy at work and for some reason there was an instant attraction. We developed quite a strong friendship, but the attraction was too strong and we slept together once (I’ve never slept with anybody else besides my husband). After that incident, we both knew we couldn’t be friends anymore and we stopped talking. I haven’t spoken with my former-friend for a year now . I am now living with my husband – and being away from the things I knew, I think has got me thinking about the other guy, for some sick twisted reason I believe we could be friends again. I know I have to let it go, and out of respect for my husband I can’t talk to the other guy ever again, and just have to look at what happened as a mistake and a life lesson, but it is so hard. When, I am most stressed and feeling lonely I find myself wanting to phone the other guy and see how he is doing….
Please help me…what can I do to make my mind not to think about the other guy? I love my husband and he is the only person I want to spend the rest of my life with, and I feel that every time I think of the other guy I am cheating him once again.
My husband still doesn’t know I slept with the other guy, I don’t want to break his heart…he knows we were good friends (Although sometimes I think he imagines what happened)

Thanks for listening.

Clueless!

[Anonymous]

Hi Clueless,

Sorry to hear you’re feeling stuck here but I think I can relate. I am also a young 26 years old and a few years back, I built an incredibly strong friendship with a coworker and ended up making out with him. At the time, I was with my boyfriend of 3 years and was happy with the relationship. Today, the ex-coworker and I are still friends but we rarely contact each other. Since then, he has gotten married and has his own life as well but we both recognize that we can still make each other laugh once in a while without feeling attached.
You say you love your husband and that he’s the only one for you. However, out of respect for the relationship, you can’t/won’t talk to your ex-coworker because of what happened. Personally, I think this is a good move because I think the sex has brought up some attachment to the man but what you have to realize is that if things were meant to be with the other guy, life will work out in an interesting way to make it happen. Question is, are you in love with your husband? You mentioned that you picture your future with your husband but is it because that’s what you’ve come to expect or does the thought of your future together excite you? The real disconnect is the depth of the relationship you have with your husband. I feel that you want to seek out this other man because there hasn’t been that kind of a deep connection with your husband as this other man may have provided. You’re married. You love (even if not in love) your husband. Truth is, a deep relationship can always be built if both parties are in it for the right reasons. A lot can be discovered by observing conversation. There are 5 levels in conversation types that will reveal to you exactly how deep your relationship is with anyone (husband, family, friends etc…) The first is a cliche (Hi how are you? What’s up? Nice to see you again.) Second is fact-giving (It’s a nice day out. The weather has been pretty cold lately.) Third is opinion-giving (I feel _____way about this particular current event. I think….) Most relationships are only deep enough to stop at 3. If you can take it to the next two places, you know you have something real here. Fourth is talking about feelings towards the relationship (When you accuse me of things like ____, I feel like you are attacking my integrity and wisdom.) You need to be able to get real with people and call them out on things that make you hurt. Last is talking about needs (I am a broken person because of _____ and I NEED you in my life to help me reconcile this with _____). When you can acknowledge you NEED someone for something that will help you grow as a person, you know your relationship is deep. Take a look at your conversations with your husband and think back to the conversations you’ve had with the other man. Are you ever just talking to your husband out of politeness and keep your feelings from him because you think it’s irrelevant? Were there ever any times you felt you shared everything you were thinking with this other man that you feel you couldn’t with your husband? This might tell you why you’re feeling the longing for the companionship of this other person. Maybe it’s out of love but maybe it’s because you just want someone to know you and really see you like this person did at the time. Getting your husband to understand this and showing you want this deeper connection with him might help you forget about the co-worker in that way and not long for that kind of a friendship with him again especially if you realize your husband is THE one for you.

Hope this helps.

[Ask April Masini]

What is important is that you’ve recognized that you think about this other man [i]when you’re stressed and lonely [/i]in your life. This guy isn’t someone you think about 24/7 — he’s a crutch and a fantasy you use to escape discomfort in your real life. He’s not a real solution to anything. Some people wish they were on a Carribbean island sipping a pina colada when they’re stressed in real life. Others dream of what it would be like to have an unlimited American Express card to go shopping for all the shoes that money can buy when they’re stressed. Other people reach for ice cream and comfort food. You have this man fantasy.

Understanding that he’s not the real deal, your husband is, is part of the solution.

Next, you need to work on the stress and loneliness in your life and see those things as real problems. Find ways to alleviate those stresses and lonely feelings that are practical and efficient.

Once you work on the real stresses in your real life, the fantasy will go away.

I hope that helps!

[Anonymous]

Thanks…I really appreciate the answers! They both really helped! 🙂

[Ask April Masini]

I’m glad I could help, and I think the advice you got from Waiting is super! 😀

[Author]

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