[Baileysmum1]

Hey all! Met a guy around 4 months ago now and started texting and getting to know one another casually. Have been on around 5 dates as of the end of January as we’re both quite busy people and I work odd shifts.

A few days ago we had “the talk” and decided neither of us were seeing other people and didn’t particularly want to be. However after spending the night two days this week he seems to have changed his mind slightly despite telling me how much he wants me to himself.

Not entirely sure if the way he said it was intentional but since we discussed the seeing each other business this morning his response to the question was “I don’t want to but if anything changes I’ll let you know”

He’s a lovely guy and spoils me when we go out but now I’m second guessing if he wants something to progress as surely if he did the thought of seeing someone else even as a possibility shouldn’t cross his mind.

Help?!

[AskApril Masini]

You both jumped the gun by having “the talk” too soon. Now, it’s become “a thing” in the relationship and you have to try and do damage control to try and ignore it. 😕 Here’s the deal: You should always use the first three months of dating someone to decide if you even want to continue dating them. During these three months you should assume you’re both dating other people. To do anything else is to waste your time. Serial dating so soon in a relationship closes you both off to other opportunities, and it’s too soon to even know if you want to be with each other. If, after dating for three months you want to continue seeing each other, then use the next three months to decide if you both want to be monogamous. I know it sounds slow, but in perspective, it isn’t. It prevents these bumps in the road you’re experiencing where you try to lock each other up too soon — and he’s realizing after a mini commitment, that he really doesn’t know you that well and there may be someone better out there for each of you. Or, there may not. 😉

I think that you should try your best to focus on dating and getting to know him to see if you want to continue dating him. At the same time, play the field and assume he is, too. And don’t commit too soon to anyone! 🙂

[Baileysmum1]

Thank you April!

So just to clarify you don’t think it’s completely unsalvageable?

Also, what would you recommend is the next course of action? I’d like to believe he will text as he said he would…but if I’ve frightened him off should I wait a few days and just let him know we had the talk too early and I don’t want to put pressure on him?

Thanks!

[Baileysmum1]

I should also note that he’s told me he prefers to see one person at a time to see where it goes, but then that could just be talk.

[AskApril Masini]

I do think this is still a viable relationship. But you’ve got to play it cool. The talk came way too soon — so don’t have another talk about the talk. 😉 Just let it go. If he asks you out again, go! If he doesn’t, then it wasn’t meant to be.

Hope that helps.

[Baileysmum1]

Thanks April,

Moving on to 3 days without contact so I’m convinced it’s somehring I have said or done and am starting to miss him more than I should.

Really just want to text and find out if things are okay.

Am I still best to leave it be?

[AskApril Masini]

Yes, let it be. If he wants to date you, he will. If you call, you run the risk of pushing him further away by being aggressive and not in a good way. 😉

Next! Time to move on. If he comes back and wants contact, great, but if not, you won’t be focusing all your energy waiting for the phone to ring. 🙂

[Sally]

I get why that one line threw you off. When someone says they want you to themselves and then adds a little escape hatch, it messes with your sense of safety. It makes you wonder if you imagined the closeness.

Here’s how it sounds to me. He likes you. He enjoys being with you. But he’s not fully ready to lock the door yet, even if part of him wants to. Some people move forward while still keeping a mental backup plan, not because they’re looking elsewhere, but because commitment scares them.

What matters is how this makes you feel. If that comment planted doubt, pay attention to that. You don’t need to panic or push. Just keep watching his actions. Clarity usually shows up there before it ever does in words.

[Tara]

This man is not confused, conflicted, or “busy.” He is hedging. He enjoyed the comfort, access, sex, attention, and ego boost you provided, but the second commitment required clarity, his spine folded. “I don’t want to but if anything changes I’ll let you know” is not reassurance it’s a pre-emptive excuse. That sentence translates to: I want you available while I reserve the right to upgrade if something better walks by. And you’re sitting there trying to decode tone and intention instead of listening to the message because you want the fantasy more than the facts.

A man who wants progression does not leave the door open. He closes it without being asked. He doesn’t frame exclusivity as a temporary preference with a cancellation clause. He doesn’t need to keep reminding you how much he wants you “to himself” while verbally reserving freedom for himself that’s manipulation dressed up as charm. Spoiling you on dates is cheap. Consistency and decisiveness are the currency that matters, and he just showed you he doesn’t have either.

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