[Kirsty1995]

Hi, I’ve been with my boyfriend for 4 months now. I’m 20 and he’s 23, and we’re in love. We said I love you quite early on in our relationship. Our relationship has been great, he’s very devoted to me, respects me, listens to me, and we get on well and have so much fun together. He’s told me that he sees a future with me. There have been some outside difficulties however over the last 2 months that have put a strain on our relationship, which is obviously still quite new. He is Turkish, living in Ireland (I’m Irish) and has been trying to get a job and sort out visa etc, and there has been a lot of stress, wondering if he will have to go back to Turkey. I devoted a lot of time to helping him find a job, and he’s been very grateful, we’ve felt like a team. Now however, things didn’t go as planned, he has a job, but he had to move to a different part of the country for it. Now our relationship is long distance. So far it’s been two weeks, and it’s already proving difficult. He seems annoyed at me when I text him “too often”, even though we’re not seeing each other, and he doesn’t seem to miss me as much as I miss him. He seems less interested in talking to me, and we’ve had one or two fights since he went away. This has happened before, mostly because I am sick; I have been suffering from recently developed mental health difficulties, which sometimes cause my behaviour to be irrational, which is why I tend to take the blame for most of our arguments. Usually he just wants to forgive, forget and move on, but since he moved he has already begun (from my perspective) to tend more towards holding it against me. After we had an argument last week, he started getting easily annoyed at me, and has been less affectionate, calling me honey less (which we call each other all the time, unless we’re upset, it’s like an unspoken rule). Also for the last 2 months we haven’t been having much sex, he explained that this was because he was too stressed trying to find a job, so he could stay here, part of the reason for that being that he can stay here with me. But now if I try to initiate any sexual talk over the phone or whatever, he still doesn’t seem interested. I know he’s probably busy trying to settle into his new life, but some of his behaviour towards me seems worrying. I’m all for making the long distance relationship work, and he seems to be too, but ever since he moved he seems to have become more pessimistic, saying at one point that he loves me, but our relationship is not going well at the moment, because of the move. I’m a fighter, but I’ve got to know him as someone who gives up easily, and although I do believe he loves me, I’m terrified that he’s going to give up on me, unnecessarily. What should I make of his behaviour? Should I back off and give him some space? That makes sense to me but it’s difficult, because I would worry that he would lose interest. Please give me your take on the situation.

[DAML]

Hi! I don’t have experience on LDR, but I can say something based on my love experiences, I know you want bo be there for him and that’s lovely, I know he’s in difficult times and your support is invaluable, however you can’t be the only one giving in this relationship, you can’t justify his lack of interest with him being stressed out… I’m not saying you should leave him, but talk to him, let him know how you feel, tell him that if this relationship is going to work both of you should put an effort on it… besides stress, besides problems, if he loves you, he is going to find out a way to deal with all of those situation, because you want to know something? When you are in problem, or stressed out you are going to want to have him by your side instead of pushing him away. … I hope this doesn’t sound like a bad advice, I’m just telling ypu to speak out your feelling to him and if the effort is not from both, then you have something to think about.

I hope both of you can make things work.

🙂

[AskApril Masini]

It’s only been four months…. and this is usually the time when you decide if you want to continue dating each other or not. It isn’t the time to fight for a relationship that hasn’t had a chance to develop yet. 🙁 I definitely think you should back off — especially if he’s upset that you’re texting him too much. Let him be the one to initiate contact. That’ll give you a clear idea of how into you he is and it’ll prevent confusion. When he does contact you, be flirty, upbeat and the girlfriend he wants. But be prepared if this doesn’t work out. Focus on what he does, more than what he says. If you cling to his promises of a future together — when he’s not making the moves to create one, you’ll end up hurt. And remember that because you’re in a long distance relationship now, you can’t treat it like an in town relationship. You have to be let a lot go. Relax. And see how things pan out. Don’t try to control things, instead, check in to see if you’re compatible with him and if you continue to be. 🙂

[Member]

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