[sophie88]

April,
I don’t know what to do anymore, so I decided to write you. I got married 9 months ago, and I am so unhappy in my marriage. I love my husband with all my heart and I want to spend the rest of my life with him- but he makes my life SO miserable! He’s ALWAYS complaining about not being where he wants to be career-wise, he is ALWAYS moody and negative. We fight constantly, at least a BIG fight once a week, and it’s draining the life out of me. He was spoiled from a child to an adult, and therefore when he does not get his way he acts like a child. He always feels like he’s entitled to things, and rarely does he go out of his way to make me feel appreciated. We’re both passionate people, so we’ve had fighting on and off for our entire relationship. However it got A LOT worse when he lost his job over a year ago. I’ve been there for him through thick and thin since. Helped him look for jobs, let him cry on my shoulders, given him advice, and even helped him with his fitness for when he wanted to try going active duty. I’ve told him several times that I am going to leave, but somehow I can’t bring myself to actually do it. Deep inside I still want him, I just want to get away from all the negativity and the fighting, and the constant complaining. I just don’t know what to do anymore. He doesn’t seem to want to change, even though I’ve told him how unhappy I am. He SAYS he will change, but he never actually puts in a real effort to..
I’m so tired…
Please help me….

[April Mașini, your AskApril]

I’m sorry you’re in this situation. How old are you both? And was he like this before the two of you married? Or was it just since he lost his job 3 months before your wedding?

[sophie888]

He has always been moody and a little snappy but he got worse after he lost his job. He was like this before we got married too, but it seems like its getting worse. Maybe because more time is passing that he is not where he wants to be in his career? I am 28 and he is turning 31 this year

[April Mașini, your AskApril]

It sounds like his job loss gave you the opportunity to see his petulant side really blossom. 😕 That said, these bad situations like a job loss or an accident, or a death in the family, do come up in life. And sometimes you see a side of your partner — even after decades of marriage — that you didn’t know was there. It sounds like you’ve been focusing on his behavior, and while that’s understandable, it’s going to be easier for you if you focus on your own instead. It’s always a tough job to get someone else to change their own behavior, simply by telling them to. More often, if he sees you change yours, he’s more likely to change his.

Try limiting your time together. If weekends are are going to be unbearable because of his complaining, make your own plans to do errands, see your mother, and visit with girlfriends. You’ll be more empathetic when you meet up with him for dinner, because you took care of yourself. And when you are…. tell him you feel so badly about his situation, and ask if there is anything you can do to help. You may assume he knows you’re there for him. Asking outright, might make him realize what you thought he assumed, and hadn’t. Third, in a kind manner tell him that you’re very sympathetic, but that the negativity about his loss is bringing you down, and could you agree on not discussing his job or career issues after 7 p.m. at night because you want to enjoy him and the marriage. Try these three things, and see if you’re not happier. You can’t fix his career, but you can help yourself, and possibly the marriage, in doing so.

[Sally]

Being newly married and already this drained hurts in a deep place. You didn’t imagine this. Constant negativity and weekly blowups wear a person down, even when love is still there. Especially when you’ve been the strong one for so long.

What stands out is that you’re doing all the holding. The support, the patience, the understanding. And he keeps saying he’ll change, but nothing actually changes. After a while, words stop meaning much.

Loving someone doesn’t mean you have to live in chaos with them. Wanting peace doesn’t mean you’re giving up on love.
I won’t tell you what to do. But I will say this: pay attention to how tired you are. That kind of tired is trying to tell you something important.

[Tara]

You’re exhausted because you married a grown man who behaves like a resentful child and turned you into his emotional support animal. Love didn’t save this marriage; it trapped you in it. You’re carrying his failures, his bitterness, his entitlement, his moods, and his lack of direction while he contributes complaints and promises he never keeps. That’s not partnership. That’s emotional labor with a ring on it.

Here’s the part you’re avoiding: he is not going to change because being miserable works for him. You cushion every fall, absorb every outburst, and stay no matter how bad it gets. His words about “changing” are placeholders to keep you from leaving, not intentions backed by action. If he wanted to improve, you’d already see consistent effort, not tears, excuses, and regression. Nine months into marriage should not feel like emotional survival mode. This is supposed to be the easiest phase. It’s already broken.

You keep threatening to leave because your instincts are correct, but you don’t follow through because you’re clinging to who he could be instead of who he is. That fantasy is costing you your peace, your energy, and eventually your self-respect. Loving someone does not mean sacrificing your mental health so they can stay comfortable in their dysfunction.

[Miguel]

Just go through the process, change isn’t really that easy. Keep supporting him.
From the beginning, even before you got married, you already knew he was like that, but you still decided to marry him. There’s really no perfect relationship; it’s up to both of you how you handle each situation.

[Member]

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