[Anonymous]

Dear April,

Hi Again, 4 month ago i was on here your advice and book “dating out of your leauge” helped.

Now i am facing a new demon 😈 , one that is not in the book.

I’m going to keep this as basic and objective as I can.
she’s 26, and I 35 have been seeing each other for four and half month. Not long but a relationship worth fighting for. Like most relationships we started off strong it was very beautiful and very intense. For me she was the first woman I felt so strongly about in over 5 years. To the best of my knowledg; she was recovering from a 7+ year, bumpy and largely long distance relationship that ended last Dec. And I was a good change (yes shes not completely over it yet).

We had a few hurdles that we talked about and dealt with along the way, she’s is the quiet type but I think we have very good communication, we talk things out and the dedication to work on and change for the better is there. On her good days she is very affectionate, caring, loving and attentive, others (more recently) she pushes me away, cold, shuts me out and distant to name a few. I know, with out a doubt, that’s not her, I know how she could be like, but she’s unable to express that as well receintly.

After a vacation we took for Thanks Giving with my family our relationship took a nose dive. She became increasingly distant and withdrawn. She got less intimate emotionally and physically at times and just “not there”.
We have been trying to talk it through, but this time she just has no clue what’s causing her to act like that, the frustration and hurt from that is tearing us apart!
In this short period of time I have learned to fall in love with her, the feeling is not mutual, but she loves what we have. She wants us to work and wants me in her life to love, I am what she wants in a man, and I believe all that to be true. We both recognize that we’re very special to one another and what we have is special.
We’re dedicated to fix things and bring back our “butterfly” days, but the problem and solution is clearly beyond our reach.

There are clearly underlying issues that WE, desperately need to deal with. please help me April what is the matter with my princess?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Thank you for your kind words — and I’m glad Date Out of Your League helped you last time you were here! 😀

Now that you’re in a new relationship, let’s see what I can do to help you this time….

It sounds like your girlfriend’s behavior is making you unhappy and while you’re talking things through with her, she’s hit a roadblock and can’t figure out why she feels the way she does or why she behaves the way she does. Since there is only so much you can do, yourself, the rest falls to her. If she’s stuck, the only thing you can do is to give her space and wait for her to figure things out, or to make a decision after a certain amount of time that the two of you are not compatible. This is what the dating process is about.

Fighting for a relationship is appropriate when there is something to fight for, but if what you’re really trying to do is to make her be someone she’s not, then you’ll never win that fight.

My advice for now is to give her some space to either figure out what personal challenges she faces in order to smooth out her behavior. If she does the work, herself, then great! If she doesn’t, then you’ll know that she can’t; she doesn’t want to; she isn’t ready; or….this is just who she is.

I hope that this helps. Let me know how things go.

[Member]

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