[justconfused]

Dear April,

I have been with my boyfriend for a really long time now, and our love story has its share of twists and complications.

We met more than 10 years ago; we were teenagers then. We went to the same school and were in a relationship for a couple of years. Then the time came that he needed to transfer to a different school. At first, everything was okay. He met new friends and I was happy for him. But after a few months, he left me for another girl who happened to be one of his newfound friends. They became so close that they fell in love with each other.

That was my first heartbreak and it was traumatic. It gave me lots of painful experiences. I lost self-confidence and it was the first time I felt real depression. But I managed to move on.

After a couple of years, we met again and I found out that he was single again. The girl he left me for fell out of love, but they were still friends and continued to hang out. When we met again, it was already more than a year after their breakup. He courted me again, and I accepted his love.

Here’s my problem. I really thought that our breakup didn’t affect me anymore. I thought I was okay with the fact that my he’s still friends with his ex-girlfriend. Personally, I think it’s just okay for exes to be friends. But the moment we got back together, I started to feel the pain again and I still feel it now even if a lot of years have already passed.

I am actually not the jealous type of girlfriend. I don’t get jealous of female friends and even ex-girlfriends. But this is different. This girl I feel jealous of is “not just an ex-girlfriend”. I came in first, and my guy left me for her. I was terribly hurt because of what happened. And as I mentioned earlier, I felt real depression (not just mere sadness) when my boyfriend chose her over me. It affected different aspects of my life. For these reasons, I don’t know if I will ever be comfortable with the fact that they are still friends and they get to hang out from time and again. Honestly, I tried really hard to accept their friendship. I even tried to befriend the girl. But sad to say, it didn’t work. And one more thing, I don’t think this is simply about jealousy. This may be about my hang-ups from past experiences; this may be about how my boyfriend’s decision to leave me many years ago affected my life in various aspects. Every time I hear anything related to his ex-girlfriend, I get reminded of everything I went through.

I don’t like what I’m feeling. I want to get over this.

I already discussed this with my boyfriend, but he insists that what went on between them does not affect him anymore and that I’m just dwelling on the past. I know it’s hard for him to avoid her because they have lots of common friends and acquaintances; not to mention that they actually belong to the same circle of friends. They even have a group that is really bonded.

It’s been a really long time now, but I can’t help myself get over this. I terribly need a piece of advice.

Thank you.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I understand why you’re upset. He dumped you for her, and only when she fell out of love with him, did he came back for you — [i]and[/i] she’s still in his life as a friend. 😕 You’ve got competition, and even though he says you don’t, you’re wise to acknowledge the situation. 😉 The advantage you have is that you recognize the competition. Now, you have to decide how to deal with this to eliminate your anxiety and any stress you may put on the relationship as a result.

However…. if you want things to work with him, then you have to drop the topic with him. Whether or not what he’s saying is true, arguing with him or trying to get him to say something you want to hear, isn’t going to make things better. Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill. Next, be the girlfriend that gets the guy — in other words, be aware of the competition and bring your A game to the relationship. You can’t be someone you’re not, but you can be the best version of you. 😎 And lastly, don’t befriend her. That will backfire. Don’t invite her to things and don’t bring her up in conversation, but if you do run into her, or he does mention her, be civil and curt. That’s the recipe for you to acknowledge and move through these feelings you’re having. Eventually, you’ll feel more secure in the relationship with this guy and you won’t need to re-read this and practice the advice. It will come naturally and the relationship will be more settled. But for now, read, re-read and practice. 😉

[Member]

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