[Kd0012]

Hello,

I am a 33 year old divorced female and until early February this year I was in a 2 year and 4 month(s) old relationship with a 41 year old male who is also a divorcee with one daughter that does not reside with him.

We met online, both not expecting much and I was skeptical at first.
Mostly due to the fact I was out of tune to be dating, secondly because he’s in the armed forces, and lastly because of the geographic distance.
Thinking it was probably just a random spark that would go away, we continued to talk for about a little over 5 months.
Finally we decided to meet up which it went well with all emotional cautions and butterflies.
So after periodically meeting when we can and corresponding with each other which we both agreed to focus on our future goals so we will be able to be with each other while getting to know each other with time and effort.
Both of our personalities are very functional and straightforward which made it that much easier to resolve issues between us.
Through out the relationship, even with the ups and downs it was extremely satisfying the only issue that I had was the communication regarding periods when he will not be able to contact due to his job or for whatever personal reason, so on.
I attempted many times to resolve this since I was in the military once as well but with no avail, it got to the point where I became very insecure and confused, unhappy.
So in my final attempt I spoke with him regarding this and told him I was not happy of how this was affecting me.
After talking about it, I asked him what he would like to do which he decided being friends would be a better option for us.
At first, I was deeply sad and disappointed by this but accepted that there is nothing that I can do further more.
I agreed to be friends with him, after I took the time to cool my emotions and that I would contact him after some time.
So earlier this month I contacted him, which it felt awkward so I left it very simple, that it took time but we are good to be friends and asking how he has been, which he responded back very nicely in a very timely manner.
However I did ask him I would like to ease back into communicating with him from my end first and he has respected that.
But the second correspondent that we have had he was using endearing terms of intimacy which it took me a few days to dwell on but I responded back saying for my sake I would like to stay along the platonic friends lane and that I will contact him occasionally if he is alright with that.
He replied back immediately saying he will be fine with that I am more then welcomed to contact him at anytime.
For some reason he consistently has always said the latter to me.
Honestly I had deep emotions for him and respect him greatly, even though I normally do not continue contact with my ex’s.
He is the first I would like to continue contact with as friends since he has been respectful throughout, has been and still is a great support to me.
What would be the best way to navigate to keep this platonic without too much grief or confusion on both ends?
Why he is being somewhat unsettling to me with these hints of confusion?

Thank you for reading this, whatever advice you give I will appreciate it.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Men and women can’t be friends, and I know you’re a functional person who feels that there is no challenge you can’t engineer a solution to, but this is one. If you’re completely honest with yourself, you’ll accept that you want to stay in contact with him because you don’t want to let go of what you had — which was romantic. Since you can’t have the romance any more, you’re going to (perhaps subconsciously) try to leverage a friendship into more. This may seem like a stretch when you read it, but sit with it, and see if there isn’t some kernel of truth in what I’m suggesting.

The bottom line is that one of the big reasons you can’t be friends is because one of you is going to have feelings for the other at some time, that aren’t platonic. And this isn’t an honest relationship, the way a friendship would be. Imagine hearing from him about a great woman he’s met and is dating. Not so pleasant, right? Because you’re not really a friend. A friend would be happy for him to have found someone — and you’re not that person.

My advice is to accept that you met him on a dating website, it didn’t work out, and to take what you did learn from the relationship (namely that you need to be with someone who will be able to have more regular and frequent communication with you), to move on and find someone who is more compatible with you. But as long as you’re trying to nurture a friendship with your ex, you’re not going to feel truly single, and you won’t reap the benefits that truly single people can — opportunities to date Mr. Right. 😉

I hope that helps.

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[Kd0012]

Thank you for your reply.
I forgot to mention we met online but it was military community website, in the politics debate forum.

I realized from my previous marriage that functionality only works when both sides have similar wavelengths of practicality and when it’s not on similar wavelengths the relationship, the emotions along with it become whirlpool of a mess.
Actually dating is quite a challenge for me, because it very hard for me to find someone to match my pace which I seem to be excessively slow then most people regardless of the physical aspect (That’s actually the easiest part for me, the most enjoyable and simple.)
I feel whether I am dating or in an exclusive relationship to build moments to cherish and interact for the good things & bad conlicts. I might be overly romantic or idealistic but later on after the hurdles of the two parties differences then we both feel right about ourselves and each other, it isn’t too late to make the moves to plans that was discussed then.
Most of the men I end up meeting are great in their own way but the persistence and rushing make me step all the way back home and lock the door shut.
I have to admit I like the relationships that are at ease with plenty of room inbetween for each other, comfortably enjoying each other’s company when we can while having enough alone time to do things and so on.
That might be one of the reasons why I got along with man so well until the issue became a red flagged problem.

To be honest, I do still have a fondness for him but not like when we were together. I had to refocus my prospective and I truly do wish him to meet someone great that suits him and would be happy to hear about it maybe even give me hope (considering how picky and consistent our personalities are) in finding that fits me.

Like you advised me I think I am going to have to carefully review this, I still would like to hear from him to know how he is as a friend but it might not be that simple after all.If the occasion arises I’ll just have to be painfully blunt to him.

By the way sorry to add on another question but how can I have the pace of a relationship slow down more easily then screaming to a halt as I always do?

Thank you again and will apply the advice you have given me while I wait for my additional questions answer.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You definitely can use your discipline to slow down the pace of a relationship. Don’t respond to texts, e-mails or phone calls so quickly. Accept dates that are weeks apart, not days apart. Don’t spend more than one night together at a time. Keep the conversations light and fun, and the same goes for the time spent together. Instead of having long, meaningful conversations, watch a comedy together, go to the zoo, take a cooking class together, watch a football game — to keep things at the speed you want. 😉

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