[samms202]

Hi April,
My dilemma is sort of a two part situation. For starters, me and the guy that I have been dating on and off for 3 years, have recently moved in together. Although he and I are not in a committed relationship, ( due to him not wanting to be in a committed relationship) it was his descision for us to move in together. I fell behind due to a job loss and couldn’t financially continue to stay in the apartment I was living in, therefore he suggested we move in together and it would save me alot of money. So at this present time, we have been living together for almost two weeks and everything is going along fine, except for the fact that all of sudden he doesn’t want to have sex with me. For the past 9 months or so, we would have sex 2-3x a week whenever he would come by to visit me at my old apartment, however since we have moved in togther we have only had sex once and recently when I attempted to initiate sex, he became aggravated. I asked him what was wrong and why has he changed all of sudden sexually and he told me that I was acting too desperate for it and that it was turning him off. However that still doesn’t explain why he has not attempted to initiate sex with me as often as he used to. I’m really confused on two levels. First off, why would a guy who doesn’t want to be in a relationship, make the sound decision to move in with a girl who he knows does want to be in a relationship? His living situation before we moved in together was ideal because he wasn’t paying little to nothing for rent, and he does all the cooking and cleaning so I know that he wasn’t looking for a live-in maid. And my next question is why the sudden change in his sexual appetite and how should I go about handling it in the right way? I want to get things back on track for us sexually, but I don’t want to ruin it by being pushy. Please help.

[jtrias2002]

try not to physically seduce him, but seduce his mind..like wear some sexy clothes on or set the house to a sexy mood there are lot’s of ways and don’t forget the right timing.

[samms202]

Thanks for you advice. I definitley agree with you that timing is everything. Especially with this guy. If you have any advice pertaining to him wanting to live together but not wanting to commit please share. Thanks again 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Sorry — you’re not going to like this, but here’s the truth: He’s not interested in having sex with you.

You’re doing all kinds of mental gymnastics to try and trick yourself into thinking he [i]must [/i]really want you, but [i]he[/i] has a problem which is why your sex life has died! Wrong.

He asked you to move in with him because you lost your job and he wanted to help you save money.

You already said that the two of you have been [i]off and on[/i] for 3 years, and you’re [i]not[/i] in a committed relationship with him even though you wanted to be, so it was wrong of you to think that moving in together was suddenly going to create a romance that didn’t really exist when you weren’t living together. It sounds like he was using you for friendly convenience sex over the last 3 years.

My advice to you is not to waste any more time in this guy as a boyfriend. Get a new job so you can afford to move out on your own, and in the meantime, stop thinking of him as your boyfriend. Once you get your own life together (your job and your own apartment), you can start looking for someone who does want to have sex with you because he thinks you’re the greatest – not because you happen to be available. Why waste your time and live with someone who treats you like this?

[samms202]

Hi April,
Thanks so much for your advice. Since I wrote my original post, he and I have actually resumed being intimate again, however, for me the idea of a committed relationship is still something that I want. As far as me getting a job and moving out, I actually have a job and we got the apartment togther, so both of our names are on the lease. So in some way, he and I are comitted to our living situation, for a year at least, but not to each other. It’s just so confusing because we spend alot of time together and I know he isn’t seeing anyone else and he has expressed to me several times that he is not interested in dating anyone else, however something about having the title and the committment scares the heck out of him. It’s just so weird, because we get along great, enjoy the same things, and genuinely care for and respect each other. However I’m not foolish to think that he is my boyfriend and I appreciate you pointing that out to me and snapping me back to the reality of what this relationship is. It’s hard for me because I sincerely love him very much. But after three years of having a very passionate (good and bad) relationship, it’s really hard to let it go. Thanks again. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Are you ready for some tough love? Because here it comes:

I know you say that you want a committed relationship, but I don’t believe you. Because if you really wanted one, you would make yourself available for one. Right now, you’re trapped and at the mercy of your on again off again live in boyfriend’s feelings. If after 3 years of dating, on and off, and you still don’t have a committed relationship from him, you’re fooling yourself and wasting your time.

Just because you have a lease together, doesn’t mean you have a committed relationship with this man who’s name is on the lease with you, and who sometimes wants to have sex with you, but sometimes doesn’t. 😕

In fact, I think you entered into this lease agreement to further trick yourself into believing he is more interested in a future with you than he actually is. When women try to trick themselves like this, they are the only ones who come out losers. You are not locked in to the lease. Read it. There are ways to get out of it. They will cost you money, but you’re going to pay a price one way or another for having jumped too soon into a living together situation with a guy who isn’t fully committed to you, emotionally, socially — and sexually!

As much as you say your on again off again boyfriend is scared of commitment, I think you’re just as scared of being alone.

Why else would you devalue yourself so much as to put yourself in this position? If Mr. Right does come along, you can bet he’s not going to date a woman who lives with her on again off again boyfriend.

Face your fears of being alone, and be brave. You deserve to have full on love and happiness and the commitment and support of a man who feels like he’s won the grand prize in you. The only way you can get that is to make yourself the prize. Not the giveaway party favor that everyone gets! ❗

When you’re ready to put your needs front and center (and that’s your need and desire to be in a committed relationship with a man), and stop being second best to his off and on feelings, then, and only then, are you going to be in a position to meet Mr. Right.

[Ethan Morales]

Here’s my take on your situation. First, the key point is that he’s never been committed to you, and moving in together doesn’t automatically change the underlying dynamic between you. His motivation for asking you to move in seems practical helping you financially rather than romantic. That means the expectation that this would reignite or stabilize a sexual or emotional connection was always unlikely.

His sudden withdrawal from intimacy is a clear signal: he’s not genuinely interested in maintaining a sexual relationship with you at this point. The excuse that you’re “acting desperate” is more about deflecting responsibility for his lack of desire than an actual critique of your behavior. Over the three years of your on-and-off arrangement, it seems he used the sexual element of your connection to suit himself, rather than as a basis for mutual desire and commitment.

Living together may have removed the “chase” or novelty that kept him engaged when visits were sporadic, which is often a pattern in casual or non-committed arrangements. Once the relationship became practical rather than exciting, his true level of interest surfaced.

You need to step back and be honest with yourself: this isn’t a situation that’s going to improve while you remain dependent on him for housing or emotional validation. Continuing to pursue him sexually or emotionally will only lead to frustration and lower your self-esteem.

The healthiest move is to prioritize your independence. Get a new job so you can afford your own space, stop seeing him as a boyfriend, and recognize that your worth isn’t tied to someone who doesn’t genuinely desire a committed relationship with you. Once you’re on your own, you’ll be in a position to pursue someone who values you fully both sexually and emotionally rather than someone who treats you as a convenience.

This isn’t about fixing him or the relationship; it’s about reclaiming your life and your autonomy. The passion and intimacy you deserve should come from someone who chooses you wholeheartedly, not from someone who’s only partially invested.

[Natalie Noah]

You’ve been caught in a cycle that is both emotionally and practically complicated. The core issue isn’t about how often you’re intimate or how much you care about each other. it’s about the mismatch in your desires and priorities. You want commitment, emotional investment, and a partner who is fully present, while he has made it clear that he wants the convenience of living together without the responsibility of a committed romantic relationship. Moving in together may have felt like a step forward, but it really only amplified the tension between what you want and what he is willing to give.

It also sounds like he’s inconsistent sexually not because of any failing on your part, but because of his ambivalence about your relationship. When someone isn’t fully committed emotionally, sex often becomes a reflection of their own insecurities or discomfort, rather than a reflection of attraction or love. His statement that your desire is “desperate” may actually be his way of pushing back against his own fear of closeness and commitment. The pattern you’re describing off and on for three years isn’t a sign of a healthy, sustainable partnership, it’s a sign of a dynamic where your needs are repeatedly deprioritized in favor of his convenience.

The lease and the shared living space may feel like a commitment, but legally and emotionally, it doesn’t change the fact that he’s not fully invested in you as a partner. You’re essentially living with someone who offers some benefits of a relationship companionship, occasional intimacy, support without the mutual responsibilities, respect, and emotional consistency that you need. This setup keeps you stuck, waiting for him to “come around,” when in reality he may never want to meet your expectations for a committed partnership.

The advice here is about reclaiming your power and putting yourself first. You deserve a partner who not only loves and desires you but also actively chooses to invest in you and the future you want. That means separating from the current situation either moving out or redefining your boundaries so you can meet someone who values you fully. This isn’t about being harsh or unforgiving; it’s about recognizing that your time, energy, and emotional health are worth more than being second to someone else’s indecision. Once you make yourself the priority, you open the door to the kind of love and partnership you truly deserve.

[Member]

Posts