[nicole521]

Hi! I really don’t know where to start…

I’m 18 and I’ve only been in one relationship before the current one I am in now. The relationship I used to be in lasted a year and 5 months and I was 15/16. The current relationship I’m in now is almost near a year but has been very rocky throughout the past year, rollercoastering over a lot of issues and arguments because of the issues.

The girl I’ve been dating I met on a blogging website called Tumblr. We met through similar interests. After only knowing her for only three months, I made a text post on my blog asking for someone to date me (as a joke). I wasn’t expecting anyone to reply to it BUT I wanted to see if [i]she[/i] would reply to it. She replied with a “i volunteer” GIF from the movie the hunger games and I didn’t take her seriously but she had really wanted to date. Because I was interested in her, I took it seriously and we’ve been dating since Janurary 23rd of last year.

However, we’re always running into problems. Last year I think I broke it off around 4, maybe even 5 times. The problem is our jealousy issues. She lives in California and I live in New York. She’s young (16 – so she’s still a kid) and we’ve never met. It’s really just an online dating relationship but I’ve never felt feelings for anyone this strong before (not even in my previous relationship). I’m crazy about this girl and I get jealous so easily. We both obviously have other social networking sites such as twitter and facebook and we both find each other people jealous even if we write “i love you” to our friends or hearts to someone else. She complains that I pay more attention to my best friend Anna and tells me that I put her (Anna) first as opposed to her. The problems I’ve had with her in the past are being jealous of the other people she hangs out with because I’m afraid she’ll like them instead of me. I have trust issues from my last relationship and since she had recently lied to me I’ve lost basically all trust with her. I have her passwords to her twitter, facebook, tumblr and email and she doesn’t know and I find myself snooping around a lot. I know, shame on me…..but I can’t trust her. I’m always finding things I don’t want to read and then I make myself upset over them. Then when she texts me and asks me what’s bothering me, I can’t tell her because she doesn’t know I’ve been snooping and then she gets mad because I never tell her what’s wrong. But there’s this one guy who she’s [b]always[/b] messaging on Facebook telling him she misses him and wants to hang out with him and I’ve told her before that I’m uncomfortable with her talking to him and she told me she’d cut him out of her life…which clearly she didn’t. She says that they’re best friends and I mean I believe her but I’m just afraid of him coming onto her. I’m going to be honest here, I don’t like her talking to anyone except me. That’s how jealous I get (LOL) but I can’t help it. When she’s hanging out with her friends and tells me she’s out I tell her to text me when she gets home (because I feel like I’m bothering her) and then I just sit in my room waiting for her to text me even if it takes hours. I get upset when she’s out because I don’t want other people looking at her. I always tell myself that she’s looking at other people thinking they’re attractive and then I doubt myself and tell myself I shouldn’t be dating her and she should be dating someone else.

I think I’ve written enough for you to give me some advice. I mean there is a lot more troubles we’ve had in the past and there’s so much more to it but I rather not have you read a novel and just give me a little advice on how I should act towards her or how to change my attitude or what I should do with this jealousy problem. I mean we both have the problem……bottom line really: it’s just hard because I can’t be with her to see what she’s doing, I can’t trust her, she’s young so I know she’s immature and won’t change anytime soon and I’m in need of help!!!

[AskApril Masini]

No matter how old you are, long distance relationships are very difficult, and they’re not for everyone. But at your age, it’s very important to be able to spend real time in real life with a girlfriend. Dating that involves hikes, movies, ice cream and coffee — are important because you can enjoy each other’s company and get to know each other in a way that promotes intimacy that long distance and real life doesn’t. So, my advice is to find a local relationship, for that reason.

The next reason that this one isn’t right for you is because the way she became your girlfriend tells you a lot about her. She’s open, she’s free and she’s spirited — these are all wonderful qualities, but you have to recognize that she’s also having long distance relationships with other guys. You’re suspicious, you’re jealous, you’re sitting in your room waiting for a text from her because you’re afraid she’s cheating on you — trust your instincts. She’s someone who likes relationships, and she’s recognized that the internet can fulfill those needs for her. She isn’t going to give you the security you’re looking for, so rather than try and force that to happen, accept who she is, and the nature of the relationship — then realize you want a more committed relationship that she isn’t going to give you because of who she is and how far away from you she lives.

If you were both in your 20s or 30s and wanting to get married, that mutual goal could make a long distance relationship work, but you’re both very young, and wanting to play the field is normal — monogamy, long-distance, without any physical contact even as much as holding hands on a walk in the park, isn’t. It’s great that you like each other, but this doesn’t sound like a relationship that will satisfy YOUR needs in a girlfriend.

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