[Sillyswimmer]

I’ve been seeing a guy on and off (mostly on) for the past three years. I have trust issues and am not the most relationship-minded person…but we recently made things “official.” I’m excited to see where this goes because it’s the first real relationship I’ve been in for at least 7 years. But he is more of a “free spirit”. He smokes weed every day and I don’t care about that…but I know he also does other drugs like cocaine and Percocet, etc for fun occasionally (as I was a drug-tested athlete for most of my adult life I’ve never been much for any drugs…). As much as these things don’t affect me personally, how am I supposed to behave in a relationship with someone who doesn’t have the same life goals as me? I know it seems like a ridiculous question but can someone who does illegal drugs recreationally be a good husband and father in the future? He says he wants the same things in the long run but should I just get out now (even though I really care about him)?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re asking good questions — and I know that you know that you already have the answers…. but you don’t like them. 😉

When you’re looking for a long-term, committed relationship, you should look for more than just love, lust, a spark and attraction. You have to look for mutual compatibility and respect because those last two are what takes a relationship over the bumps that come, through the tough times, and to the finish line. Love doesn’t. You can love someone, and not be compatible for a long-term, committed relationship.

Since you’re an athlete, and he’s a drug user, I don’t see how this is going to work out long-term — especially when you’re asking questions about his being a good father who uses cocaine and Percocet for fun, on some sort of regular basis. He’s got a life style, and yours doesn’t match up. If you write back, let me know how old you both are. Because at a certain age, dating someone — especially someone like this — off and on for three years, is a commitment that may not serve your long term goals. Use your athletic training and knowledge of sport to find Mr. Right.

Let me know if you have any other questions. 😉

[Sillyswimmer]

Thanks for your response! I am 26 and he’s just turned 28. I typically am not very focused on the future marriage/father thing but his roommate (who partakes in the same behaviors regularly) got engaged recently and just found out his fiancé is pregnant and so the future has been a huge part of all of our conversations recently. I know he’s cutting back more and more the longer we’ve known each other but I am truly uncertain if that’s enough.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It’s not. And if he’s got any addiction issues, simply cutting back is a temporary measure before he binges. I know that you care about him a lot and you have history with him, but he’s not a good fit for you. 😳

[Member]

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