[Buscando4Ayuda]

Hello.

I currently find myself in a new relationship with a girl who does not believe in kissing before marriage (much less anything further). I’m abstinent myself and don’t mind this at all. The thing is, she’s EXTREMELY touchy herself. We’re constantly cuddling, hand-holding, walking with arms around each others waists/over shoulders, sitting in lap, playing with hair, lingering touches of each others’ faces, hands on knees/legs (but not close to private areas) and pretty much any type of contact other than kissing (at all, lips or cheek or anywhere else) or touching private areas (on a related note, before our relationship, I never initiated any contact with her at all, she initiated all of it with me). Like I said, I don’t mind this at all, but I sometimes wonder if she might get bored of this and wonder if there’s anything else I can do to increase the level of physical intimacy without crossing the boundaries she set.

Thanks.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

How old are you both, and what’s your question for me? 🙂

[Buscando4Ayuda]

Thanks for the reply.

I am 24 years old and she is 23 years old, soon to be 24 years old as well.

My question is:
[quote=”Buscando4Ayuda”]I sometimes wonder if she might get bored of this and wonder if there’s anything else I can do to increase the level of physical intimacy without crossing the boundaries she set.[/quote]

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I don’t mean to be difficult, but I’m a little confused.

You’ve stated that you’re in a new relationship with a young woman who doesn’t believe in kissing before marriage, and that you’re fine with that — but then you want to know how to increase physical intimacy with her, which seems to go against her beliefs, as well as what you’ve hinted yours are.

Help me out a little, so I can help you! I assume that by no kissing before marriage, she doesn’t want to have sex or any sexual behavior, either. Am I right? And you’re abstinent — I assume that means you don’t want to have sex before marriage. Am I right here, too?

Are these religious rules? Cultural rules? Personal rules?

I guess I’m a little confused about why you want to remain abstinent and why she doesn’t want to kiss or have sex before marriage while at the same time you seem to be wanting to know about how to increase physical intimacy with her — which seems to go against your other rules. Help me out!

[Buscando4Ayuda]

Thanks again for responding.

Let me clear: I have no desire to push her past her boundaries or to coax her into doing anything that goes against her morals.

I haven’t had too many relationships though I’ve had a lot of women who’ve been interested in me but who I’ve ended things with before they really got started because I tend to try and find out quickly whether or not women have any potential for marriage. That’s probably why my questioning seems so awkward.

For me, my reason for being abstinent is religiously-influenced but definitely an extremely strong personal value now because I don’t even reference or think of religion at all when I explain myself. For her, it’s religiously-influenced but she’s slipped into sex before that led to severe guilt, depression, and suicidal thoughts that she received counseling for over a number of years (I was around her when she was going through that years ago). I guess that’s why I worry that she might get bored of the level of physical intimacy we’re engaging in. With that said, is there any further it can go without crossing the boundaries she’s set up? Yes, I’m literally that clueless.

Thanks.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Thank you for that input. 🙂

Since you are very clear on what you want, in many aspects of life, my advice is that you lead in this relationship, instead of follow. Her straying from the course she’s chosen seems to have led her down a very difficult path in the past. If she wants to remain abstinent until marriage, but has slipped, and that slipping caused her depression and suicidal tendencies, then you need to be the leader in this relationship and remind her why you are both together, as well as both abstinent. The reality is that this may draw her closer to you, rather than create boredom, as you fear. 😉

Since you both have the same religious and cultural convictions, but you are stronger than she is, don’t try to enable her weaknesses. And when she strays by touching you inappropriately (for your cultural beliefs), don’t just be “okay” with it. Be the relationship guide, and you can remind her that she is very attractive to you, but that touching in the way she is, she may be distracting herself from getting to know you, and you want her to be clear on her choice to be with you now, and if the time comes, forever. In other words, stay your course. Use the “space” that your religion provides to get to know her as a person so you can decide if she is someone you want to marry or not.

My concern about your question, or the way you kind of danced around it, was that you were trying to do two things that contradict each other — remain abstinent, but be physical and sexual — up to a particular line — that you are both not 100% clear on. Because your life is guided by your religion in this aspect, when you feel confused, go back to the original reason for your choices instead of trying to keep her in the game by compromising, when that very compromise brought her heartache in the past.

I hope that helps.

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[Buscando4Ayuda]

Thanks a lot.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re very welcome. 🙂

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[Ethan Morales]

You’re in a relationship with a woman who doesn’t kiss before marriage, and you’re abstinent as well. That’s clear, and you’re both aligned on the big picture: no sexual activity before marriage. What’s tricky for you is that she is extremely physically affectionate within those boundaries cuddling, hand-holding, sitting on laps, touching each other’s faces, hair, legs but not kissing or sexual contact. You’re wondering if there’s a way to deepen intimacy without crossing her boundaries.

April Masini’s point is that you can’t blur the line between physical intimacy and sexual intimacy. Wanting to increase physical closeness while staying abstinent is inherently limited because there is a boundary you both agree not to cross. She’s already giving a high level of non-sexual affection, and there isn’t really a “next step” in physical intimacy that doesn’t touch the line she’s set. The real intimacy now is emotional, spiritual, and relational not physical.

She also points out that because she’s had a difficult history with crossing these boundaries in the past, she may need a strong guide in the relationship someone who helps her stay aligned with her values rather than enabling behaviors that could make her feel guilt or depression. That means leading by example, reinforcing the reasons for your mutual abstinence, and prioritizing emotional closeness over physical closeness.

The advice is essentially: don’t try to stretch or “improve” the physical side, because that would risk crossing her boundaries and your own. Instead, focus on deepening the relationship through conversation, shared experiences, support, trust, and emotional connection. These are the ways to increase intimacy within the framework you’ve both agreed on.

Also, she emphasizes that if you feel confused, you need to return to the foundation of your choices your shared religious or personal convictions. Don’t let curiosity or fear of boredom override the very reason you’re together in the first place. The intimacy you’re seeking should grow through mutual understanding, respect, and emotional connection, not physical experimentation.

Your relationship can be deeply intimate without sexual contact. Lead, support, nurture emotional closeness, enjoy your time together, and respect the boundaries she has set. Trying to push beyond that would contradict both your values and hers and could harm the relationship.

[Tara]

She’s not “waiting until marriage” she’s using you as a safe, cuddly boyfriend substitute without giving you the actual intimacy of a real relationship. This girl is basically doing every single romantic-physical thing except the one thing that actually signifies romantic commitment: kissing. That’s not purity that’s loophole gymnastics. She gets all the emotional closeness, all the physical affection, all the validation, all the boyfriend energy… and you get nothing that actually moves the relationship forward. And the fact she initiated all the touching while still drawing the line at the one basic sign of romantic intimacy? That’s not saintly that’s controlling.

You’re sitting here wondering how to “increase physical intimacy without crossing her boundaries.” Wrong question. What you should be asking is: why does she get to push every boundary she wants but you’re terrified to even bring up a kiss? She’s not going to “get bored” she’s already getting everything she wants. You’re the only one starving. And the reason you’re confused is because her behavior doesn’t match her rules. Girls who truly want zero physical intimacy before marriage don’t sit in your lap, stroke your face, and wrap themselves around you like a koala. She knows exactly what she’s doing she’s keeping you right on the edge of closeness so you stay bonded, patient, and grateful for crumbs.

You don’t need to “do more.” You need to stop being scared to ask what the hell is actually going on. Tell her straight: “Your boundaries are fine, but the level of intimacy you do want doesn’t match them. Before this goes further, I need clarity on what we’re actually doing.” If she can hug you, nuzzle you, sit in your lap, and basically act like your wife but still refuses a simple kiss — that’s not purity, that’s emotional manipulation dressed up as virtue.
Stop trying to tiptoe around her rules and start figuring out whether you’re in a relationship…
or just a very affectionate pet she’s keeping warm until she decides what she really wants.

[Sally]

It’s confusing when someone draws a hard line in one place but is super affectionate everywhere else. But honestly? Some people just love touch. It’s how they feel close without crossing into anything they’re not ready for.

You don’t need to “up” the intimacy. She already chose the level she’s comfortable with, and she’s showing you she likes being close to you. That’s enough.
If anything, the best thing you can do is match her energy without trying to push past it. Let her set the pace. Enjoy the sweetness for what it is instead of trying to turn it into something “more.”

If she wants the level to change someday, she’ll tell you. For now, you’re not doing anything wrong by just being there with her.

[Natalie Noah]

The relationship is built on strong mutual values and careful consideration. The guy is extremely thoughtful about his girlfriend’s boundaries and past experiences, especially since her previous struggles with sexual activity caused emotional harm. His concern about “boredom” in their physical intimacy shows empathy, but it’s also a reflection of a deeper desire to maintain closeness without crossing established limits.

The real challenge here isn’t about physical touch per se. it’s about sustaining meaningful connection within the boundaries she’s set. They already share a high level of non-sexual intimacy: hand-holding, cuddling, playful touches, sitting on laps, and so on. These gestures, combined with emotional closeness, create a strong bond. Pushing for more physical intimacy isn’t necessary; instead, focusing on emotional depth, shared experiences, and trust-building will strengthen the relationship more effectively.

Another key point is leadership and stability. It’s important for him to model consistent, boundary-respecting behavior. This doesn’t mean controlling the relationship, but rather providing reassurance that he values and understands her limits. Being steady and mindful helps her feel safe and supported, which enhances intimacy and reduces any past fears or guilt from resurfacing.

The relationship’s richness comes from emotional connection, attentiveness, and shared values rather than sexual activity. Quality time, meaningful gestures, open conversations, and acts of care can deepen their bond far more than any increase in physical touch could. By fully embracing these non-sexual forms of intimacy, they can build a lasting, trusting, and deeply connected partnership.

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