[Hopeless10]

Before i begin my story and ask for everyones advice i please aak you to not respond if you have anything negative to say about my situation. I dont want a response about how wrong my situation is or what i should have done. Please only respond by giving me your best advice. This is the situation i am in and just trying to look for help. Here it is : i have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 3 years now. He is alot older than i am and he has 2 kids and i have one. He is an amazing guy who would bend over backwards for anyone. The only problem is he isnt divorced and he is living seperately from his wife. She has moved on and her bf is living in her house and 2 and a half years ago we moved in together. He has been promising me that he was going to work on divorce and it is now 3 years and no progress has been made. He has gotten as close as a seperation agreement on paper but nothing has been signed and nothing has been filed. He is a super busy person with ALOT of businesses. But if something comes up for his family he drops everything and handles it right away. 3 days ago i have spoken to him abojt getting divorce and he says he is too busy and it hasnt been on his list. Remember i live with him and my daughter is completely attached to him. How do i get through to him about proceeding with this divorce? I have talked to him time and time again and nothing happens. Not only that but he still is very much friendly with his ex and they both act as if nothing has happened. I just dont know what to do anymore. Please help!

[AskApril Masini]

He’s not getting divorced because he has no motivation to do so. People act because they want to. They want to because by acting something will be better for them — or will be less worse than it is. They’ll take their hand off a hot stove to avoid further pain. Or they’ll reach for ice cream because they want the treat. Your boyfriend doesn’t have a motivation on either side to get divorced.

So, let’s look at the real problem: Are you okay being with him, as long as he’s married to someone else? If you are, then you should continue as you’ve been doing. If you’re not, then you have to face the reality that unless you change your own behavior, your life will remain the same. I know this is tough but you have to be the one to take action — not him. I know you don’t want to move out, but that would be my advice, simply because you want to be with someone who will marry you. You have to put your goals front and center.

I hope that helps. Let me know if you have any other questions.

[Hopeless10]

Thank you for the advice! I just dont understand what the reasoning is to why it hasnt happened. It makes me feel not worth it to him. He has been married twice before and has 2 older kids ( around my age) with the first wife ans 2 younger kids with the 2nd. Not alot of people would be accepting of the situation. He treats both ex wives as if they are best friends and even go on vacation together! Its a very unique and different situation. But i put up with it because i love him. I feel he should realize what he has and makes me upset that he doesnt. If he did then hed move forward. I like your advice. I was trying to think of other options and maybe not sleep in the same room until he gets a divorce or something along those lines. I jusg dont know how mucb of an impact that would have done.

[AskApril Masini]

He’s not divorcing because both he and his wife are happy with the arrangement. He’s been married twice, and his wife and kids probably have legal and financial benefits as a result of remaining married to him. You mentioned that he has many businesses, and if he divorces, his business and income will be affected in a negative way. Some men would rather be divorced and move on, but he and his wife and his ex-wife all vacation together — which means that they’ve got a happy relationship in spite of living with lovers. And you go along with it, so he’s got a good deal going for himself all around. I hope that helps you understand why he isn’t divorcing. I don’t think that your sleeping in a separate bedroom will get him to divorce his wife. After three years together, he has no motivation to divorce and lots of motivation to keep the status quo.

[Member]

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