[Anonymous]

I don’t know where to start. I’ve been talking to this guy for 8 months and he has been nothing but great to me. He was there for me when I had any problems, called me daily, texted me, anything I needed he would give me even if I didn’t ask. He would stop everything he was doing to bring me ice cream if I was having a bad day. On my sister’s birthday he surprised her with a $600 phone, and threw a huge party for me for my birthday in july at a very upscale club and presented me with a beautiful diamond ring. (just a b-day gift not an engagement ring even tho it looks like one) The point I’m making is me, my family, and my friends all thought he was such a good guy. the only flaw he seemed to have is he got a little jealous and was emotional, he got mad/sad easily.

Ok, so since I met him he was telling me his mom was sick – he’s family lives in Palestine, Israel and he needed to visit her before it was to late. He told me he kept postponing it so he could spend my birthday with me. He told me he might have to do jail time for something ridiculous that happened to him when he was young (him being American and Israeli soldiers) long story but his lawyer said he would only have to do 2 months. He left in August and we were both very sad and he seemed extremely stressed about the situation and promised me he would call or email me.. I set him up an aim account because he is very computer illiterate and doesn’t even understand how to email.

When he got overseas I heard from him while he was crossing into the country and the whole first week. The next week I didn’t hear from him at all! Then the week after he told me he was taken to jail and is on house arrest but didn’t know for how long (seemed suspicious) I talked to him all week then he got sick (sounded sick too) and was in the hospital when he got home he aim’d me saying he was texting me and he was upset i didn’t text him back – what he didn’t know is the service jawwal (palestinian service) won’t let you text anyone unless they have the same service i emailed them .. I had a calling card and called him and he picked up and I heard a lot of people in the background.. My anger kicked in from not talking to him for ANOTHER week and said glad you feel better bye! And hung up he called back and said he has no minutes on his phone could I call him back? I said no ill talk to you later and hung up again, me and him have had lil fights like this before and got over it. The last texts from aim I got from him said he loves me, i’m his heart, and he’ll be back in mid-October.

A couple weeks into Sept I went to the club and seen one of his cousins who told me he wouldn’t be back in 2 months but more like 5 months then asked if me and him could hang out of course i declined and then he hopes we see each other again.. Then a few more weeks later some guys came up to me and said they knew me from that guy I talked to – they are all Arab decent and all know each other in this area threw families and businesses – he laughed at my ring that he gave me and told me he’s NEVER coming back, that he messed up in business and the Arab community wouldn’t help him, they also said he was in the process of an arranged marriage. He told me about his business problems and I put two and two together and realized the uncle that had been backstabbing him was this guys father so he obviously has a grudge against him. He bought me and my sister some drinks and told me he’s sorry he’s the one to tell me. I immediately went home and called my guy even tho my pride didn’t want me to. His phone rang and rang there is no voicemail on the Palestine cell he has. I called the next day and he answered he said Hello? and i said Hello? back and either he hung up or the phone cut out.. I couldn’t tell because the phone sounds so different when I talk to him overseas. Since then I haven’t heard from him since aug and whenever I see the guy who told me he’s never coming back (that USE to be his good friend) he tries to hit on me and all his boys tell me how this guy is SUCH an upgrade from the LOSER that left me and went overseas!

Its been over a month I haven’t heard from him! He hasn’t checked his email, and when I call his number it always says something in arab then says im sorry this phone is off – I contacted the company and they said its turned off by the owner not cause of service (its a prepaid cell) I know he was broke when he went over there and said no one would send him money so I don’t know if he CAN’T call me, don’t want to call me, really is engaged (arranged marriage), never coming back, coming back in oct ect! Its driving me crazy I don’t know who to believe and am in complete shock he was always so good to me! How could he just never speak to me again if all this was true? His last message was im his heart and he loves me! I think about it 24/7 and still call the overseas cell to always hear that recording and his american cell that says its not excepting incoming calls hoping one day it will be back on. I don’t know if the other arabs are trying to hook up with me to spite him and if they are why would they be doing that to a guy who’s getting engaged and never coming back to see this? Or if its all true cuz i mean I haven’t heard from him since august! I’m an attractive girl that gets a lot of attention but have been ignoring everyone because I have this hope he’s coming back! I’m going crazy NOT knowing! Who’s telling me the truth? Is he ignoring me cuz he never is coming back and don’t want to tell me or are they lying? These are all racing threw my head daily! I don’t know how much longer I should hold on to hope and when and if I should move on! HELP i need it bad before I end up in the nut house thinking about it!

I apologize its so long I just wanted you to know a lot of the facts!

[Ask April Masini]

This isn’t as hard as you think it is, if you just pay attention to the facts and the reality. Admit what you don’t know, and stop trying to bend it into a fantasy you hope will come true.

The reality is that this guy has been out of touch with you for over a month, you haven’t seen him since August and he is admittedly in big trouble with the law. No matter what he says or anyone says, these facts are irrefutable. I hope you can accept them.

These are also three really good reasons for you to stop thinking he’s Mr. Right. He isn’t.

The next thing you need to understand is that you don’t know any of these people you meet in clubs, very well at all. In fact, you really didn’t know a whole lot about your “friend” during the 8 months you were together. You’d never met his family, and you didn’t know the facts about his arrest or legal troubles.

Dating is really, really, really important! ❗ It’s not just about dinner and drinks and dancing in clubs to have fun. It’s supposed to be a way for you to get to know another person, and see if he’s someone you want to continue to give your time and attention to. If you don’t take dating seriously, it will run all over you, just like you’re experiencing now! 😮

Get used to having a lot of male attention — but also, know how to handle it. You have to take responsibility for yourself in any of these relationships — whether it’s a conversation at a club or a dinner date with one of these guys — whether they’re Arabs, Israelis, Americans — or martians! 😉 The universal law of dating is that you are the prize in the relationship, and you give yourself, your time and your affections sparingly, at first, to the man who you deem to be Mr. Right. When you think of it this way, it’s actually a big responsibility to be as valuable as you are! 😎 You have to really know what it is you want in a man, so that you can date smart.

So, my advice to you is to forget your overseas, lost friend, who has been out of touch with you for over a month. Stop chasing him!! Stop calling his phone companies. Stop calling his phones. Stop texting him. You are not allowed to chase any man if you want to be treated like the prize they have hard won!

Feel free to consider anyone you meet who may be Mr. Right, but your job is to figure out what Mr. Right looks like and acts like. Go slow — don’t rush things. Your emotions have a way of misleading you and clouding your judgment, so be discriminating in who you spend your time with.

If you want the graduate level crash course, you’d do well to get my book, Think & Date Like A Man, which I wrote for women who aren’t sure about what they want or how to get, as well as those who think they know what they want, but haven’t been able to get it. It’s a great guide for step by step [b]smart[/b] dating!

Good luck! And let me know what happens. 😛

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the advise. I needed to hear it even thought I don’t want to cuz I still see him as this “Great Guy” that he obviously isn’t because your right he hasn’t called and i’m sure he could have if he really wanted to. I guess I’ll finally get a little closure when he doesn’t come back this month like his last text he sent said. I think the not knowing whats going on is what is driving me crazy.. AND if he comes back I wouldn’t even know how to approach or speak to him about all this without screaming and crying OR if I should even speak to him? Any suggestions with that?

[Ask April Masini]

If you shift your own thinking, just a little bit, you will realize that you DO know what’s going on, and you’re not in the dark. Put the focus on yourself, not him, and what you’ll see is that you’ve been abandoned by your boyfriend for a month now, with no clear idea what’s going on with him. From your point of view, if you just think about what’s going on with you, you’ve been cut free. For a month now.

What you’re doing is trying to see things from his point of view, and that’s impossible. It’s also making you crazy, frustrated and angry. You have no idea what’s going on thousands of miles away, nor could you, since he is out of communication with you. So, just look at things from where you sit. You’re boyfriend-less.

Lots of times people write me thinking that they’re confused about a romantic relationship because they’re trying to imagine all sorts of scenarios that could or might be happening. What they ignore is the reality of what’s going on with them, now.

So stay in the moment, and focus on yourself if you want to get a clear picture of what’s going on with [b]you[/b]! 🙂

If your boyfriend does happen to come back, don’t contact him. You let him contact you. Listen to what he has to say, and then take it from there. If he has a great story — like he’s been captured by tigers that chewed his flesh to within an inch of his life, and he was lucky to escape, crawl to a hospital, and has just emerged from a coma — then, you may want to think about dating him again. 😆 But if he has some lame excuse that doesn’t smell like the truth, don’t spend any more energy screaming at him. Take responsibility for your own judgment in boyfriends, and move on with the knowledge you’ve now acquired because of this unfortunate experience, to a better boyfriend! 🙂

You’ll be fine. Just stay in the moment and focus on reality.

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