[kalpana]

I am in a relationship w a man of 43, my age for the past 4 years now . Both of us are separated from our spouses and have one kid each. Right from the day one he said that his wife didn’t like to stay w his parents so left him and staying at her parents home in the same city Along w his kid. She hardly visits him and hardly lets kid meet his dad as well. So they have been staying separate for the last 8 years . Married for 13 years .
I stay separate from my hubby too .
My lover n I have been happy w our relationship w all its ups n downs . However these days his kid has grown up n asking him to take him on a holiday . He was rejoiced and requested his wife too to accompany him. I was very upset because he said he never loved her after she left home . So now how suddenly he decided to ask her on a holiday ?
When I confronted him he says that it’s for kid AND HE DOESNT LOVE HER. But each time they meet up socially he n wife have fun. However they go back to their own houses. In the past ten months he never met his son because she never let him meet the kid .
I feel very upset though I understand the kid needs him, how can this man forgive a woman who walked out him just 4 years after marriage ?
And on the top of it she never let the kid meet his dad frequently . Each time he had to beg her to go out w the kid.
his wife suddenly started ‘liking’ all his posts on facebook these days which she never did in last 5 years.
Is she playing games or are they seriously try to give the marriage a try? In that case why is he not tellin me?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

The problem with dating married people is that they have commitments to spouses, and after eight years of separation, your married boyfriend has made it very clear that he’s not interested in divorcing his wife, and wants to maintain that marriage [i]and[/i] his relationship with you. Now, after years, she’s suddenly expressing interest in him on social media, and allowing him to vacation with their child and even going with them on the vacation. And that’s just what you know — there may be more you don’t know, and that’s why you’re anxious.

It certainly sounds like she has some interest in the marriage after all this time. It’s hard to know why, but the important thing is that there is interest and your boyfriend is going on a family vacation with his wife and son, without you. While you’re definitely unsettled, there’s an opportunity here for you. You can decide to stay in this relationship, knowing he’s married and that his marriage is special to him in a way that your marriage is not special to you. Or, you can decide that you would rather date someone who is legally single and has less of a blurred line when it comes to a relationship with a mother or father of their child.

Whatever you choose, he’s going on this vacation and he is doing it for his son — but there may be something in it for him, too, romantically. You can freak out with anxiety or you can accept that he has a wife and he has a relationship with her that is becoming reactivated after seeming dormancy. He may come back to you as if all is fine, or he may want to continue seeing his wife to see if that relationship resolves. Either way, you’re dating someone who has a wife, and that person is ultimately important in your life, as well as his own — as you can see in this situation. I hope that helps.

[Sally]

Four years is a long time to build a life with someone, so of course your stomach drops when he suddenly pulls his wife into things again. Anyone would feel shaken.
But here’s the thing when a kid is involved, people do things that don’t always line up with their words. It doesn’t mean he’s in love with her. It means he’s trying to look like a decent dad.

Holidays, photos, moments… that stuff gets messy when parents live apart. And honestly, guilt makes people say yes to things they don’t even want.
What hurts you is that he didn’t talk to you before making those plans.

You’re not wrong for needing clarity. You’re not wrong for wondering what’s really going on.
I don’t think this is about her. I think this is about him not being brave enough to sit you down and explain where the lines are. And you deserve someone who talks to you before you’re left guessing.
Take a breath. Ask him for honesty, not promises. If he can’t give you that, the answers are already showing themselves.

[Tara]

Here’s the brutal truth you’re refusing to stare in the face: this man is keeping you exactly where he wants you as the woman who fills the emotional gaps while he keeps one foot firmly planted in his marriage. He’s been feeding you the same tired narrative for years: “She left me, she doesn’t love me, we’re basically over, she keeps the kid from me.” And you swallowed it because it made your relationship feel justified. But now that his kid wants a holiday, suddenly he’s inviting the same woman he supposedly can’t stand? That’s not fatherhood, that’s a man keeping his options open.

He’s not doing this for the kid. He’s doing it because it benefits him. A holiday with his family makes him look like a good father, a stable man, a guy who still has a functioning “family unit.” He gets to play hero without committing to the emotional work of being honest with you. And you know damn well that people don’t go from “we don’t talk, she ruined my life” to “hey, let’s take a trip together” unless something shifted.

And here’s the part you don’t want to admit: the wife likes his posts? That’s not random. That’s a territorial move — and he’s allowing it. If he was truly done with her, he’d shut that door so hard her finger would break in the frame. But he hasn’t. Because he likes the attention. He likes that both of you orbit him. He likes feeling wanted from both ends. He’s not confused; he’s enjoying being the center of two women’s emotional energy.

He isn’t telling you what’s going on because he knows you’ll leave if he gives you the actual truth: he’s entertaining the possibility of reconciling, at least emotionally, and he wants to keep you on standby in case it doesn’t pan out. You’re not his partner, you’re his backup plan.

[Jessica Miller]

Wow AskApril, love your advice — you always say it so clearly, love it! ❤️

This situation would upset anyone. After years of hearing that his marriage was over, seeing him plan trips and laugh with his wife would confuse anyone. Maybe he says it’s for the child, but the hard part is that he didn’t talk to you honestly first. You’re not wrong for feeling hurt. If he can’t clearly tell you where you stand, that confusion itself is already an answer.

[Lune David]

This situation would confuse and hurt anyone. After four years of hearing that his marriage was over, seeing him suddenly plan a vacation with his wife would shake any woman. Even if it is for the child, it is still painful when it is not talked about openly.

You are not wrong for feeling upset. You are not overthinking. You just want to know where you stand in his life.

The hard truth is that when someone is still married, their spouse will always have a place in their life in some way. That does not mean he is a bad person, but it does mean the relationship will always feel uncertain.

AskApril is right — now the choice is about what you can accept and what you cannot. You deserve honesty, clarity, and peace, not confusion and quiet fear.

April i want to ask question to you that
How does someone love a married partner without slowly hurting themselves in the process?

Thank you for always giving clear and kind guidance.

[Member]

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