[moocow]

I met a girl at work in March 2012, who I will call Anne, and we started seeing eachother – although I told her from the beginning that I wasn’t sure we were right for eachother and that she should consider seeing other people. I told her this because I knew another girl at work, who I will call Laura, who had a boyfriend but was planning on leaving him, and I had been interested in Laura before I even knew Anne. I didn’t let Anne know this however.

Eventually, Anne caught on to the fact that I was often talking with Laura at work and also texting with her while out of work. This made Anne very upset and she began to tell me that she wanted an exclusive relationship with me and would not continue to see me if I didn’t stop making her feel uncomfortable by flirting and talking with Laura. I told her that I would stop. The problem with the Laura situation was that she wasn’t sure if she was going to leave her boyfriend because they had been together for 8 years and they had a daughter together in November 2011.

I tried to focus on Anne during the times I was uncertain about what was going to happen with Laura, but it always stood in the way, and I would meet up with Laura on occasion and we were intimate. In September 2012 I started staying with Anne in her apartment and I believed she hoped that would make a difference between her and I. On the night of my birthday in October 2012, Laura came out with a bunch of our other work friends to a club and Anne saw Laura kiss me. Anne broke up with me that night, but allowed me to stay with her. I told Anne that I would end things with Laura. I tried with Anne, but the strain of knowing that Laura was going to eventually break up with her boyfriend was always in my mind and I wanted to stay in contact with her. I was finally open with Anne and told her that I had been cheating on her with Laura for some time. She was very upset but allowed me to remain with her as long as I sorted out my feelings with Laura and would eventually choose to stop seeing her. That’s not what happened though, and Laura did eventually break up with her boyfriend in December 2012, and I left Anne’s place that same month. Anne kept waiting for me to come to my senses, see that she loved me and allowed me to put her through hell, and would choose to be with her. But I didn’t.

Anne eventually moved on to another boyfriend and I was with Laura.

Actually being with Laura – whom I didn’t really ever believe I would have the chance to be with because I didn’t honestly believe she would ever leave her boyfried – made some reservations come to mind. Although I had thought about these things previously: her boyfriend would always be in the picture because of their daughter, that I would have to help raise someone else’s child, that I would be walking into somebody else’s situation, that I was on the ‘outside’ of things, and that Laura was very afraid of being a single mother and alone….when I was finally with her and experiencing it all full-time, these problems were more real. Furthermore, I took her to meet my parents and they were very unhappy with my choice to date her.

I eventually told my fears and concerns to Anne and she said that she was leaving her boyfriend and would be there for me if I wanted to try again. She also said that she was planning to move out of state but would stay if I decided to be with her again. She said that she loves me and wants to marry me. Anne and I got back together and were intimate. Laura found out that I cheated on her and was upset but said that she loves me and wants to be with me and wants to be married and have a family with me. I am very happy with Laura. She is very loving, caring, mature, and I think could be good for me. However, I often times do not feel in control of what is happening and feel that I am part of something that is not ‘my own’.

I also feel that with Anne, although there were things about her that caused us to argue – it was pretty much always about Laura. Anne showed deep loyalty to me – which I think is the most powerful thing that keeps me thinking about her. I could also have a life of my ‘own’ with her and not have to be under the shadow of a previous long-term relationship that resulted in a child.

Aside from the fact that people have told me to move on from both of them and start over, I wish I had an idea of which woman I may be happier with and may be better for me. I know I have been a jerk in this and possibly don’t deserve either one of them. But they both love me, and I feel love for both of them. Please help me make the best decision possible.

[April Mașini, your AskApril]

How old are the three of you?

[moocow]

I am 35, Anne is 24, and Laura is 25.

[moocow]

To complicate matters, Anne – while telling me what she wants from me and demanding that I leave Laura or she will block me from her phone, facebook, etc. – has been having explicit sexual conversations via text with another guy that she works with. She said she hasn’t been with him, but I feel like my efforts to honestly examine my relationship now and to possibly make a decision to end it have been cheapened because of this.

Anne will be moving within a matter of a few weeks, and I cannot get her out of my head. I can’t help but feel that I may be happier and more satisfied in the long run with her because we could build a life of our own.

The more time I spend with Laura however, I am becoming more intertwined with her. We have already made several big ticket purchases together (tv, lawn equipment), she put a bill in my name, and she has planned a trip for us in October (6 months out) as well as planned several other things in between. I talked with her about my feeling on the ‘outside’ of things and she responded to that by asking if i wanted a greater role in her daughter’s life, i.e. giving her her bath each night, picking her up from Laura’s mom’s house after work, getting up to check on her during the night, etc.

Talking with Anne about my concerns, she said that Laura is doing this to try to ‘trap’ me into having to stay with her and making it more difficult to leave.

I’m not unhappy with Laura. She makes me very happy. I do feel sometimes that she is doing what is expedient for her because she doesn’t want to be a single mother and alone. However, I realize that she wouldn’t let just anyone into her and her daughter’s life. But then why do I often have this feeling of somehow being emasculated by this situation?

This process that I put upon myself of choosing between two women – along with causing everyone involved pain and frustration – has given me a situation that I may never find myself in again. I have the opportunity to make a choice to be with either of these women who say they want to spend the rest of their lives with me. They are just both so different and they both touch a different part of my being and soul.

[April Mașini, your AskApril]

Thanks for the extra information. 😉 Knowing that you’re 35 and not nearly a kid or someone new to dating helps a lot.

So here’s my advice: Neither one of these women is right for you and you should look elsewhere for women to date. It sounds like you met Anne at work, and while it’s easy to meet women to date at work, it’s sometimes the easy road to a relationship and not the right one. After about a year of dating her, you’re still not sure about her, and she’s getting that message and looking elsewhere, which is really the right thing for her to be doing. On the other hand, you view dating a single parent with distaste, and that’s fine — but if you don’t want to date a single parent, then don’t.

Until you’re clear that you want to get married, you’re just dating for fun, and these women are not dating for fun — they’re dating for marriage. Find someone who’s more compatible with you than either Anne or Laura and you won’t feel so trapped by the situations you’re putting yourself in. 🙂

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[moocow]

Thank you for your replies April. I have been in a lot of relationships and I’m just confused now because I haven’t been in this situation before. The thing is that I AM ready for a long-term, committed relationship. I know that my ambivalence suggests that neither woman is right for me, however, as you suggest.

But why am I feeling like I am nearly willing to throw away this rather stable and healthy and relationship that I am in to take back a girl that I hurt emotionally, who lied to me and did things behind my back (although I did as well), and who has since been with other people?

[April Mașini, your AskApril]

[quote]But why am I feeling like I am nearly willing to throw away this rather stable and healthy and relationship that I am in to take back a girl that I hurt emotionally, who lied to me and did things behind my back (although I did as well), and who has since been with other people?[/quote]

Because you’re not being honest with yourself. And sadly, this is much worse than not being honest with others. 🙁 It’s a more profound problem. You’re making decisions that sabotage yourself so you don’t have to go down the path you establish — because you don’t want to. Bottom line: you’re not being honest with yourself about what it is you really want. That’s why you keep choosing women who are either unavailable — or else you torpedo the relationships with the ones who are. This isn’t about you choosing one woman or another. It’s about you figuring out what it is you REALLY want in life, and then going for it. Stop distracting yourself with these inorganic situations, and setting up dramatic situations to avoid dealing with the real issue at hand. 😉

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