[jlogan212]

April, my husband has an addiction to pornography. I first found the porn after I gave birth to our son in August of 2014. I was in a horrible state, as I was 17 when he was born, and I had gained 60 pounds during my pregnancy (I stand 5 foot 1 inch and weighed, up until that, 125 pounds), I felt ugly and disgusting, and when I found the porn websites on his phone I felt disgusting. I had a breakdown, and he promised me that he wouldn’t do it again. Since then he has broken that promise to me countless times, to the point that I was going to leave him. I blocked all the sites on our phones, and promised him I would leave should it happen again, in hopes that he would keep his promise to me. It didn’t work. He recently got a new phone and I’ve found it on his phone AGAIN. Should I keep my promise to leave him or should I give him yet another chance?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like your husband got interested in porn right after you had your first child. That’s a clue that the porn was more of a substitute for your postpartum sex life, than it was about him cheating or being addicted. You were probably not having the same type of sex life you had before kids because you were recovering from the birth, exhausted from nursing or being up at night with the baby, and you had a big weight gain which made you feel not so sexy or confident — and maybe he was using the porn so as not to bother you, or because you weren’t interested in sex. This is all normal and it doesn’t mean he was cheating or the he’s addicted. I understand that you’re hurt and angry about your sex life changing at the same time you’re finding his porn use offensive, and you’re probably overwhelmed with two toddlers barely nine months apart. You must be exhausted!

Instead of getting mad at him, which hasn’t moved things in a positive way, why not try to get your sex life back. 😉 It’s easy to point the finger at him, but a lot more challenging — and productive! — to try and work on the relationship and do your part to show him that you’re interested in sex with him and you want to get your sex life back on track. See if that helps! 😉

[Sally]

You were so young, your body had just been through hell, and instead of feeling safe with the person who was supposed to love you, you found something that made you feel small. That kind of hurt doesn’t just fade it sits in you.

And you’ve given him so many chances. Not one or two… countless. Every time he promised, every time you believed him, every time he chose the same thing anyway. That’s not an accident. That’s a pattern.

Here’s the thing no one likes to say out loud: you can’t “love someone out” of something they don’t think is a problem. And he doesn’t think it’s a problem not enough to stop. Not enough to protect you, or your marriage, or your heart.

If you stay, nothing changes. If you leave, at least you’re keeping the one promise no one else in this marriage has kept the one you made to yourself.
You’re not crazy for wanting peace. Just don’t keep breaking yourself trying to fix someone who won’t meet you halfway.

[Serena Vale]

You’re not wrong for being hurt. Finding porn right after having a baby can crush your confidence, especially when you’re young, exhausted, and already feeling insecure. That pain is real.

But this doesn’t sound like he’s choosing porn over you, it sounds like he doesn’t know how to handle the change in your sex life, and porn became an easy escape. That doesn’t make it okay, but it does make it understandable.

The bigger issue isn’t the porn, it’s the broken trust and the way this keeps making you feel unsafe and unwanted.

Before you leave, ask yourself this:
Is he willing to actually work on this with you, therapy, honesty, effort, or does he just keep apologizing and hiding it better?

If he’s willing to do real work, give it one final chance with clear boundaries.
If he isn’t, staying will only keep hurting you.

You deserve honesty, safety, and love, especially after everything your body and heart have been through.

[Tara]

Your husband doesn’t have a porn problem; he has a character problem. He lies, he lacks self-control, and he does not respect you. Stop dressing that up as anything else.
He didn’t “slip.” He didn’t “struggle.” He chose this. Again and again. For years. After swearing he’d stop. After watching you cry. After you threatened to leave. After you carried his child. After you spelled out exactly how much it destroyed you. That’s not addiction, that’s behavior he feels entitled to protect.

And stop fooling yourself with control tactics. Blocking sites, checking phones, and monitoring apps are not a solution. That’s you acting like his parole officer while he plays dumb. He’s not a teenager sneaking porn. He’s a grown man who knows exactly how little your pain costs him.

Every time you stay, you teach him the same lesson: your boundaries are fake. You say, “This is the last time.” It never is. So now he knows the routine. Get caught. Cry. Promise. Lie low. Repeat. You are predictable. He is comfortable. He is not afraid of losing you; if he were, this would have stopped years ago.

And let’s kill the most pathetic lie you’re still telling yourself: this has nothing to do with your body, your age, your postpartum state, or your insecurity. He didn’t keep watching porn because you weren’t enough. He kept watching because there were no consequences that lasted. Men don’t change because you suffer quietly. They change when staying becomes more painful than stopping.

If you stay again, you are consenting to this life. The monitoring. The paranoia. The quiet resentment. The constant betrayal. That’s not something happening to you; that’s something you’re choosing.

[Member]

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