[tripper]

Ok so there’s a girl that i really like. Good way to get friend zoned right? But ya, a few years ago we “camped” in her parents restaurant and held hands, that’s about it. Then she went to Germany for two years as a foreign exchange student. Recently i found out she’s transferring to the school i transferred to. The main reasons I’ve been worrying about the friend zone are today she kind of implied i’d be a good replacement for her brother as a tennis partner since he’s not very good, she specifically referred to me as a friend (after mentioning that my friends suck), and quite possibly the biggest, she’s talked to me about the guy she dated in Germany, told me about them still kind of being together and sending “naughty pics”, and she’ll be visiting him in south Africa in a couple weeks.

Unfortunately I probably fall into the nice guy trap. I’d have to say I’m an abnormal case though, considering I would describe myself as arrogant. I certainly know I’m valuable. Just wondering if you have any suggestions for what I should do, thanks.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

The friend zone is like quicksand, and you’re right — you’re headed there unless you change your own behavior. The way to get out of the friend zone is very simple, but those folks who stay in it, do so because they are afraid of rejection or else they (falsely) believe that they will one day leverage friendship into something romantic. 😕

So to get out of it, all you have to do is to stop acting like her friend. 😉 Don’t hang out with her — unless it’s a date that you’re taking her on, and don’t be there to listen to her talking about her boyfriend. You have to make your position clear — that you want to date her, not be her friend. This is a big change for the way you’ve been living your life, so while it’s very simple to do — it may be hard for you to accept. However…. unless and until you do, you will fall into the friend zone. 😳

Hope that helps!

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[tripper]

so you would say i should ask her on a date despite her possibly still being interested in her “ex”? if so, should i wait a while after she gets back from south africa? i doubt there will be time before then, she said she wasn’t sure how long she would be back in between being out of state and being in south africa.

also just curious, how would you take her insisting on paying for ice cream because i’d paid for drinks the last time we’d seen each other?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Dating is competitive, and if she’s interested in her ex, that’s just more information for you to use so that you can know better what to do — and in this case, it means dialing up your game. 😉 You have to start flirting with her and letting her know that you’re interested in more than just friendship — and if she’s not interested in dating, then you need to move on.

When she offered to pay for ice cream because you paid for drinks — I wouldn’t read to much into that. Basically, it was her being a friend who wanted to make sure things were split.

I hope that helps!

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[tripper]

ya i was essentially thinking “all is fair in love and war” but didn’t want to be disrespectful. i read too much into everything. but ya i really don’t even know how to flirt, i’m probably the most awkward person ever. i didn’t have a female friend until 6th grade. were you implying to just ask her to a movie or something? or start texting attempting to flirt? thanks again, i’m pretty incompetent when it comes to human relations. unfortunately i actually like this one

[April Masini, your AskApril]

[quote]ya i was essentially thinking “all is fair in love and war” but didn’t want to be disrespectful.[/quote]

You’re making excuses for yourself. 😕 You don’t have to be disrespectful in order to compete. You can be polite, respect the competition, and still give it your best shot! 😉

[quote]i read too much into everything. but ya i really don’t even know how to flirt, i’m probably the most awkward person ever. [/quote]

If you want to work on these challenges, then I applaud you! You can stop reading too much into everything, but it’s a discipline, to do so. If you accept the challenge, and decide not to stay in the status quo, which is causing you problems, then don’t settle for being “the most awkward person ever.” Besides, I doubt you’re THE most awkward person ever. 😉 Decide to become more conscious of your own behavior, and recognize what about you is awkward. Then make changes to your behavior so that you’re no longer the most awkward person ever. It’s not that difficult — and can be very rewarding — but it requires work on your part. 🙂

[quote]i didn’t have a female friend until 6th grade.[/quote]

That’s not abnormal! Don’t make excuses for yourself now, that date back to your 11th year of life. 😉

[quote]were you implying to just ask her to a movie or something? [/quote]

I wasn’t really implying — I was being very specific that you should make it clear you want to date her! 😉 If you want to get out of the friend zone, you have to stop being her friend and start being the guy who clearly wants to win her over as a date and girlfriend. That means flirting, being clear about your intentions and asking her out on a special date — whether it’s a movie, a picnic, dinner in a restaurant, etc. You get to choose how you want to win her over, knowing you have competition, and that what you’ve been doing up to now hasn’t worked. So that calls for some change in your behavior and your attitude to get her to go out with you. 😀

[quote] or start texting attempting to flirt? [/quote]

Don’t use your smart phone to do all your flirting for you. 😕 It’s an electronic tool, and you should use it mostly to make plans. Flirting, or getting someone to become interested in you, is best done face to face. Women love hearing a man’s voice, seeing where his eyes fall, and interacting. That’s why your smart phone is not the main place where you should do your flirting. 😉

[quote]i’m pretty incompetent when it comes to human relations. unfortunately i actually like this one
[/quote]

Don’t excuse yourself for being incompetent in human relations! 😯 Instead, roll up your sleeves and do the work to improve on this. Buy the book I wrote for men, Date Our of Your League, here: [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/date-out-of-your-league.html[/url], and read it! It’s going to help you in more ways than I can here. 🙂

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[tripper]

Ok one more question. We last saw each other Monday, and she implied that I wouldn’t see her again before she went out of state. I’m not sure exactly which date she’s leaving, I suppose I should have asked. But ya, obviously I want to escape the friendzone ASAP. But I also don’t want to come off as needy or clingy. She also said she’s not sure how long she’ll be around when she gets back before going to see her ex in South Africa. I’m just wondering what you think about the timing, should I just go ahead and ask her on an actual date now?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

The most important thing is to not act like a friend. If you ask her out on a date now, that’s great — but if she says no, then move on and don’t stick around in the friend zone. If she says yes, then make it clear that this is a romantic date, and pull out all the stops! 😉

[i]When[/i] you ask her out on a date is less important than repositioning yourself in your life and hers, as a date — not a friend. 😉

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