[pyrofyter70]

I am in a relationship with a 26 year old (I am 40) female and we are expecting out first child together. We have been together for almost 7 months now but friends for 5 years. We have been happy with some fights until she became pregnant. Now she she wants “me” time to figure out if she can give me what I want and not keep disappointing me. She does not talk about her feelings, express her feelings and that fustrates me. She has totally pushed me away. I dont even feel comfortable in our bed or our house. She states she feels smothered. She keeps saying she needs time to think about it all. I am unsure how to handle this, I have a sinking feeling in my stomach and hate the uncertainty. I have not been working and have been home a lot and spending a lot of time together. I feel very distant from her and not sure what to do PLEASE HELP!!!

[Anonymous]

It feels like shes already made the decision without being up front about it. You refer to her as a “female” youre in a relationship with, not your girlfriend. She’s pregnant after 7 months into the relationship, so it doesn’t seem like there was much substance there beforehand. It sounds like it has always been a friendship from the very start. Now she’s in a situation where she has to deal with whats in front of her, and not do what most other 20 year olds do (move onto the next relationship) You have to question WHY she decided to get into a relationship with you after five years. As a 22 year old female, I question any female that decides to get into this kind of relationship. Was she looking for someone to cling to after a relationship and you took it as something more meaningful?

You should take into account that shes pregnant and her emotions/hormones are everywhere. More often than not, women are going to want to keep the father of their child around…not push them away. I think you should make your feelings clear and allow her to do what she wishes. As a father, you should also remember that it’s your child no matter what. If it doesn’t work out in the end, don’t allow her to keep you from seeing the child. My gut is telling me that she’ll want you back when she gets closer to her due date…though I can’t say that it will be something long term.

Good luck. I think age is really a factor in this case, especially since she is acting her age. It’s the pregnancy that doesn’t make this cut and dry.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

First of all, you’ll feel a lot better once you are working. Work is so important to a man’s identity that I hope you’ll make getting a job your first priority — especially since you have a baby to support! You’ll also be out from underfoot — spending a lot of time together isn’t necessarily the best thing for your relationship since she’s having your baby and you’re going to be bonded together for life one way or another. The healthier you are, the healthier your relationship will be, so focus on your work.

Second, since you’re having a baby together and you’re living together, you should really make a decision about marrying her or not. My guess is that she’s waiting for you to propose to her. So if you’re going to, do that sooner rather than later. If you’re not, have a talk about your future together and what you want, what she wants, and what’s best for the baby.

Third, [b]ammywammycammy[/b] clued you into your girlfriend’s pregnancy hormones run amok! Take note. Pregnant women are more emotional than those that aren’t, many times. So figure out your course and then stay the course!

I hope that helps. Let me know how things go, and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter.

[pyrofyter70]

Hello April and aammywammycammynd !! Thanks so much on the quick response. April I did ask her to marry me, and she said yes, NOW HERE IS WHERE I GET REALLY CONFUSED, the next day she gave the ring back and said she is not ready nor dhe is unsure if she ever wants to get married. She feels that having a child, is more of a commitment than marriage. Well needless to say that hurt!! lol I did happen to get a text message from her dad, it was one she sent to him… It said she should have said no from the beginning but she saw how much time and thought I put into it and did not want me to think she did not care or love him, and she is so blessed to have me in her life.

Amazingly enough my girlfriend dose not express or talk about her feelings. I always have to be the investigator and ask questions. I do feel I should have given her more space from the get go but hind sight is 20/20. I have no problem admitting I was 50% of the problem. I am giving her her space and see where it ends up. She has a 5 year old special needs son that I am a father like figure too, as well as a 13 year old son, so I am very ready to be a father again with a child of our own. Well wish me luck and thank you for the input!!!!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Wait a minute — she’s 26 and she has a 13 year old!? 😯 [i]And[/i] a 5 year old!? ❗ [i]And[/i] she won’t marry you because she thinks that having a baby [b]is more[/b] of a commitment than marriage — but she’s living with you and not the father of her other two children (I’m assuming there’s one other father, not two)? 😯 What happened to those commitments? 😕

You’re going to need a lot more than luck! I hope that you’ll focus on being a good father to this child first and foremost. Let me know if you need any more help as things go along (I think you just might!).

Please join me @AskAprilcom on Twitter.

[pyrofyter70]

Sorry April,

Let me be clear. She has a 5 year old and I have a 13 year old. I tried to talk to her again and she tells me I smother her being around. I was told today at this point she dosent care if I am here or not. As stated before I am out of full time work and am around a lot. She said she is not going to do something that she dosent want to do or be. She is tired of talking about it and she said she is trying. I am not sure if this is the pregnancy (1st trimester), depression (which she has a history before) or it is truly me. I feel like a stranger in my own home, a person that has a room mate and share the same bed.

She does have a lot going on too, a terminally ill mother who is dying of cancer, and a family that is fighting about it. I just dont understand how you turn of intimacy, and then just seem to not care the other person is hurting? UGH… I must say my patience is running thin, either way I want to be a great father and want this to work because I truly love her BUT 😥 ….. Thanks for having this useful forum!!!!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Since she seems to be pushing you away, but you want to be a father to your child that she’s carrying, the best you can do is be your best self and be patient. Focus on getting work. That’s going to help a lot! And just be there…I know you feel uncomfortable in your own home, but getting a job will make you less aware of that problem and she may feel better about you if you’re working. She won’t feel as smothered because you won’t be in the house as much — you’ll be out being productive and building your own self esteem as well as your career. 😀

Hang in there — and work on you!

[Member]

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