[Anonymous]

Here’s the skinny… I just moved to a new city for grad school about 9 months ago, and I have been dating this girl for about the past 8 months. The first few months were great and I could tell that she was really into me. However after about 3-4 months I thought that it would be appropriate to have the relationship talk with her. She told me that she used to really be into relationships, but she was just naive. After a while I got the hint that she was in a long term relationship before and got burned pretty bad, but I was really into her so I figured that I would just see where this thing goes. I thought that the best thing to do in this situation was to be really accommodating to her, and be very affectionate and very available. Now I am starting to think that I came on too strong and I just want things to go back to the way they were at the beginning.

About a month ago I noticed that she started acting very distant and cold, she also started ignoring some of my text messages which she has never done before. This past weekend I asked her about her behavior and what was going on with us. She has been going through some health issues lately, she has been constantly in and out of the doctors office, and the doctors think she has crohn’s disease. She says that she has been really upset about that and that is why she has been distant. But she has seemed fine around her friends and when I have seen her around campus, so I thought that she was just being nice and trying to let me down easy. I asked her if she wanted to stop dating and if she wanted me to move on and start dating other people, she seemed very opposed to that idea. we had been out with friends that night and that probably wasnt the best idea to bring these things up bc we both had been drinking and I was pretty upset, not at her just the situation. she called me later that night to see how I was after the conversation she sent me this “How I feel is that I care about you a lot. When we are getting along things are really great. But what I’ve been feeling guilty about is the fact that i blame myself for when things aren’t as laid back because im the one bringing in the stress. and if i knew I wouldnt be like that for long I would say ok lets just wait it out… but im scared that im wasting your time and making you unhappy. That is what im scared about. showed it poorly, and I know that is my fault. That’s what it is. And I would be really upset without you. I also dont want to cause problems or stress. So I dont know what you want or need considering.” The following day I told her I really would like to go to dinner, spend the night, and just act the way things used to be, and we did and it was great. But when leaving her place the next morning I went to kiss her goodbye and she did not kiss me back, it was really weird and I was pretty upset about that.

That day we talked about where we are and where this is going, I asked her what she meant telling me that she was causing me stress and wasting my time. she replied “by not being in a place to be in a serious relationship. based on stress and just my emotional state in general the past 2 years. that it will cause you stress because it might not be enough…I just used to be so much more open and emotionally available… and after I went through a hard time a few years ago I feel like I haven’t gotten completely back to normal. like some emotional numbness I guess.” She wanted to make sure that I wasn’t settling for someone that isn’t emotionally available right now if that’s what I want. Basically, we decided to take a couple of steps back but not to completely walk away from each other. We are still going to talk and are still going to date each other exclusively, it will just be different.

So that is all of the background information I feel is really relevant to the situation. I love this girl, and I really want to have a future with her, I just need a females advice about the situation. I think that the best thing to do here is just to focus on me for a few months, take a step back from the situation, and let her come to me. I feel like the best way to get close to her again is to sort of walk away. Do you think that I am doing the right thing here to get what I want?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I think that you’re going in the right direction, but “taking a step back and letting her come to you” isn’t the same thing as letting go and seeing what’s out there, which is really what I’d recommend. After eight months of dating, she’s showing you signs of separation and that she’s not ready to be in the same kind of relationship that you’re looking for. One of the mistakes that people make is putting too much weight on “potential” and “he or she has all these really good qualities, but….”. You have to be responsible for your time and your relationships and you have to pay attention to what’s going on. She isn’t ready to be in a serious relationship the way you seem to be, which makes you incompatible right now.

Step away, and start dating other people. Maybe she’ll figure things out about her own life and if she does, they may or may not include a desire to be with you in a more committed way than she has, but if you don’t let go, completely, you’ll never know. 😀

Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter.

[Anonymous]

I think that is good advice, and what I think I need to do is take all of the time and effort that I invested into her and place it into my graduate program and see if someone else is out there who is more compatible. However, what I dont get is how she can feel so bad about what happened to her before years later… is that normal? How long does it take someone to get over something like that?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Everybody has their own schedule of healing. Some people practice chronic denial which keeps them paralyzed in their personal growth. Some people heal over years; some over weeks. It just depends on the person, the trauma and the circumstances. Sometimes people hold onto their hurt because they get something out of not moving on in their personal lives, for instance, they can hold onto hurt and blame the other person instead of processing everything that lead up to a hurt, which includes their own behaviors that would require taking responsibility and accepting their own part in the trauma.

Your new plan is a good one, and I wish you a lot of luck in love — and graduate school. 😀

Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter.

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