[scarletrose89]

Hello, April.

I am kind of stumped on what to do.

My long-distance man and I, that I’ve known for 5 months, were undergoing some relationship stress and one thing led to another and he mildly disrespected me verbally (he assumed and concluded I cheated on him because I wasn’t answering one question that he kept asking, but I didn’t answer for a different reason and not because I was disloyal), and when I cleared it up he felt really bad about what he assumed and said to me and I declared that it was over but really I was just upset and wanted to cool off and also see what he would do in our time apart; he was contacting me the following days and then one day, few days after that heat, I message him about something only to find out that he was leaving his country to go to another place (still wanting to be in touch with me and one desire being that he will try to get closer to me in distance [whether that was true or not it’s hard to say at this point]). It was so unexpected because he didn’t tell me about his plan before the day of leaving (and he wasn’t planning to either from what it sounded like, I don’t think. Can you imagine if I hadn’t messaged him that day? I wouldn’t have known where he is for days) and that really hurt considering how he always said he loves and cares about me with most of his actions backing his words up. I was shocked at his impulsive action. I couldn’t understand it. I still fully don’t. I had to wait over 10 days until I got some answers and I told him how I felt about it all, he was ready to travel back for me twice but due to a couple of reasons he wasn’t able. I told him I wouldn’t accept being in contact with him like this, that I couldn’t be in his life while he was in a new place because of how he left. We could never be okay because I know myself. Having had my share of negative experiences in relationships before, this didn’t help at all. So, last week I made it clear that I wouldn’t accept this at all and he would have to live his life without me unless he cared enough to find a way to go back for us so we could fix this and save us. He kept hoping he could save us while he was still there I think. I was silent for 5 days waiting, and in those 5 days he was missing me terribly and kept asking me to give him a chance. He kept messaging and calling daily and often. I can be stubborn and wanting of my ways, but it’s only because I know my worth and respect myself enough now to not allow myself to go through something I don’t deserve to put up with in the first place and so I stuck by my word and reminded him of the ultimatum this week and asked him if he was going back or not. He was free to stay there, but there was no chance for us. I made it very clear and that I felt I deserved differently. After having read my message, he then said he is going back and will contact me once he arrives there. Honestly, I am relieved, but I am still pretty hurt by all this. I don’t like that he put us in this situation to begin with. My question is, is what he did something I should accept? I am halfway through on the bridge of forgiving, and now that he is on his way back I have pretty much accepted it, but I know there will be a lot to talk out with him before things go back to normal. I just want to know if this was right or not, having left like that without telling me his plan especially when we have an honest bond, and sure I was upset, but still you would think he would have wanted to tell me. He did say on the day he was leaving his country that he wanted to tell me but he was afraid that I’d tell him I don’t care and that he can do what he likes. I don’t know how true that is. I personally don’t think he handled it well, but I would like to know someone else’s perspective, someone else to shed some light on this.

I understand if he is going back for me now then that must mean he really loves and wants me.. but the fact that this situation even rose and he left like that has me feeling hurt, doubtful, and just wishing it didn’t happen. I don’t want someone to think they can do this and I will be okay with it given time, that’s primarily the reason I wanted him to go back so that he knows I will not accept that kind of disrespect, that kind of behavior, especially with him being in this new place. I also wanted him to go back because it’s easier to deal with knowing he is back where we left off before he took off like that; there’s something comforting about it, I guess. Psychology sure is interesting. I know it sounds a little controlling, but I honestly did leave the choice to him towards the end. Was it a fair choice I gave him? I don’t know. All I know is that it wasn’t deserving to go through what I did and so it was bound to come down to that.

I don’t like having to give someone I care about a “this” or “that”, but he created this situation in the first place by not taking my feelings into consideration. That for me is rough to digest. Some people in my place would probably try to talk it out and patch things up with the man without them having to travel back, most people probably, I don’t know, but I get affected differently and I also deal with it differently, I expect the man to go the extra mile, I don’t like the unexpected from someone I thought I was sure wasn’t able to do that to me or at least behave that way, especially after having come out from my previous emotionally and verbally-abusive relationship.. I now hold a lot of respect for myself and expect nothing less than what I deserve and makes me happy. I strongly believe in companionship and deciding things together, taking another person’s feelings into consideration, whether we’re happy or having our low points. This reminded me of something my ex would do, he used to be very impulsive, he would assume just about anything, conclude it on his own, then make his own decision on what to do next that is positively consequential to him alone, and leave in a situation. So you can see how this scenario would affect me. It bears some mild hints of similarity. The only difference and an imperative one is that with my ex I would have to chase him and remind him of my worth, while with this man he doesn’t think of leaving ME, I don’t have to chase him and he knows my exact worth.

I just don’t know how to feel about this. I am also not looking forward to whatever he and I will need to talk out, because it will only hurt and when things don’t make sense to me it’s pretty uncomfortable.

If something isn’t clear or you have a question that can further help you in answering me, please don’t hesitate to ask.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. I really appreciate it. Many blessings.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m happy to answer any questions you have. Can you fill me in a little first?

1. How old are both of you?

2. Have you ever had a date in person?

Let me know, and I’ll write further.

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[scarletrose89]

Thanks for your message, April.

No, we haven’t met as yet. And, I’m 25, he is 22. He is very mature for his age, to be honest. But this action of his did surprise me.

I look forward to your further response.

Bless.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Thanks for the input!

It sounds like you got upset because he didn’t tell you where he was, and you expected more geographic accountability.

Since you haven’t really dated yet, it’s unrealistic for him to be telling you his whereabouts. Long distance relationships are different than in town relationships, and I think that you’re feeling like you don’t have the control you’d like over the relationship (or maybe your life), so you’re trying to have some sense of control over where he is. When you get to know someone long distance, and decide to date them over many hundreds or thousands of miles, you have to give them a much longer leash than you would if someone was in town, and you’d be investing every weekend with him or lunch dates, family get togethers, etc. Because of the distance, there has to be a lot more independence and understanding of what that means.

I think that you should take a look at what it really is that you want in a relationship — and see if you can get what you want from one that’s long distance. If you want to stay in this one, then understand that because the two of you are not dating yet, but just getting to know each other online and on the phone, you should both be seeing other people — and even if you don’t want to, know that it’s realistic to expect him to be doing so.

I hope that helps. If you have any other questions, you’re welcome to ask.

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