[cybersupial]

I have a rather complex situation to describe, or at least complex for me. I am currently in a relationship with my best friend. We have known each other for many years and have been dating for almost the entirety of 4-5 years. At one point we took a break of sorts because she was having trouble with committing to me, not cheating or anything like that, she would become distance and very irritated with me. After a while of that behavior and many heated conversations between us we both decided it would be in the best interest of our friendship to stop “dating” and to just be friends. I will not however that we had a sexual relationship and that part was hard to get past. After we stepped it down a notch, we continued to have a sexual relationship for quite some time, though it was infrequent and we usually just felt bad about it afterwords.

She started taking an interest in another guy, which was hard for me because I still loved her very much and wanted her to be with me. I stepped down and let her be with this other guy even though their relationship was purely based on Sex until they decided they liked each other for more than just carnal love. That is not my bias opinion about their relationship, but what she actually told me about it. While she was with him we had sex a few times which was regrettable. They eventually went separate ways because he was to free spirited and unpredictable for even her.

She then moved on to an interest in another guy that she had met online. He seemed alright and actually built up a friendship of sorts with her before they started dating. All was going well until she cheated on him with me. Mind you I felt like a complete asshole every time she cheated with me because I know better and would never want someone to do that to me. After cheating with me she asked for my advice of what she should do because she felt extremely guilty. She really liked the guy and even made mention that he was marriage material and she really wanted to pursue him. I knowing that their relationship was still pretty knew told her that she should be honest with him so as to not create tension down the road. She was honest with him and this ended in them having sex for the first time. This time got her pregnant.

She always talked about how much she wanted a baby, and now her wish was about to come true. I felt horrible and also felt very responsible for this happening, but it wasn’t my fault for her not being careful with her sex practices. The outcome was that she decided to keep the baby. She broke up with the guy before she found out she was pregnant because he was prone to temper tantrums of sorts and she couldn’t handle that sort of thing. Shortly after she found out she was pregnant she started pursuing me again. That would appear obvious to most that I was just a plan B and since I’m better than nothing she wanted to tie me into all of this. I was very skeptical of her sudden choice, but it had some merit. I told her that if she really wanted to be with me she would have to prove it consistently until after she had the baby and then some. Consistency with relationship was her weak point so I believed that it was a fair test. She remained consistent through the whole thing. I was there in the delivery room per request with the biological father (awkward). Shortly after an unexpected thing happened and I became very emotionally attached to her son. We did get back together because I felt that she had proved that she loved me and that she wanted to be with me again. She made an emphasis on the fact that she wasn’t looking for financial support being as I’m in school and can’t afford a baby, not that I wont try.

Anyways, that is the past of our relationship in extreme summarized form. So after she had the baby she decided it was only fair that the father be involved in his sons life, which seems completely reasonable especially if he is paying child support. Some weird stuff happened from that point such as us getting back together causing her mother to suddenly hate me and tell her that she could either spend time with me and get the F^%* out of her house (she lives with her mom again) or she could not see me and get the “privilege” to live there. So with her mom blackmailing her and the father having certain involvement, it has put a lot of pressure on me and stress as well.

I’m mature enough to accept that the bio father is going to be in the child’s life as well as the fact that the woman I love is always going to have this other man involved in our relationship. In addition, I’m completely willing to accept the fact that she prioritizes her child’s interests over mine. But here is the catch in all of this. I don’t agree with what she feels are in her child’s best interests because she thinks things like, living together before marriage will compromise the child’s relationship with his father. She, also, has taken a a stand saying that the father will always have a say in the child’s upbringing that is weighed higher than my opinion. The problem I have with this is that neither her nor the father actually know how to raise a kid.

An example of this that is pretty recent is that based on pressure from her mother and some strange societal standard she holds herself to she felt obligated to see if the possibility of her and the biological father getting back together was an option. She also is considering going to school on the opposite side of the state based on if she can get more financial aid (it’s already been determined that the school is cheaper), but I feel like it is her attempt at moving closer to the biological father.

At this point I’m just super frustrated because I feel like the concerns I’m bringing up to her are being disregarded. At this point I feel so naive and so damn worn down by all of this. I want it to work, she wants it to work (so she say) yet every time we get to a point where a life commitment is about to occur she does everything in her power to investigate other options available to her. I respect that, but at this point in our relationship it is more destructive than constructive.

I am to the point where I don’t really know what to think any more and need unbiased opinions from people who are not my family or friends.

Thanks in advance,
L

PS I wrote this late night so if it looks like I left out some important details feel free to ask.

[April Mașini, your AskApril]

What’s your question?

[cybersupial]

I’m too confused to even formulate a question. I would say that I’m looking for advice about how this situation can be approached perhaps? We have had such a long run and have always been happy together, but this new life variable of a baby seems to do nothing but be a path of blocking our freedom to enjoy our relationship. Every turn we have come to leads to another decision that needs to push me farther away so that she can provide what her and her family think is best for her child. Like I said I don’t necessarily agree with her methods.

So I guess my question really is. Is it worth it to be in a complex relationship that at this point is unsatisfying that will most likely lead to being a 4 year long distance relationship? I can assume what the answer is to that question, but I’de like to see what other thinks about my situation and perhaps see how they would react.

[April Mașini, your AskApril]

[quote] Is it worth it to be in a complex relationship that at this point is unsatisfying that will most likely lead to being a 4 year long distance relationship?[/quote]

The reason you’re having trouble posing a question is because you’re unfocused about what [i]you[/i] want. In order to be in a healthy and happy relationship you really have to know yourself first and foremost. All good relationships start with YOU. 😀

You’ve written a lot about other people here, but you haven’t written about what you want and how to get it. Do you want to get married? Do you want to date a single mother? Are you ready to be a step-father? Are you interested in a long distance relationship?

Figure out what you want, and then you’ll be a lot more able to answer the question, Is she Ms. Right?

I hope that helps. 😀

Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

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