[LABlue]

I think I need some advice.

I’ve been in a 4-year relationship. We love each other very much however there are some barriers that are preventing us from moving forward. I’ve received much insight from this forum and welcome feedback.

The issue:

His ex-wife, his son, him.

He is still legally married although they’ve been separated 15 years.
Ex lives literally 60 seconds down the road on the same street with the kids.
Their 2 kids are 18 & 20
1 is self sufficient and by most would be considered the perfect child.
20 year old has issues. Quit school at 15 due to severe anxiety. Has never held a full-time job (or part time), reliant and mom and dad to pay bills while trying to figure out life yet games all nite and sleeps all day doing nothing to contribute.

Ex-wife plays the victim card at every chance but…”she’s a nice person and can’t get a break”.
She used to be included in our family get together’s although I didn’t like it. I put a stop to it last year but encourage them to all spend quality time together as I don’t feel threatened. He still supports her financially (pays for everything for the kids which I get but time for 20-yr old to contribute) but he also pays for her: her bills, the groceries, her car repairs, etc – that I do not like but try to understand.

Last year I ended things as I felt he couldn’t move forward. He returned, and said let’s get married. We set date, sent out invitations and got everything set. Come our wedding month his divorce wasn’t finalized so we went ahead with a commitment ceremony. A month later his son came to stay for 5 weeks ignoring me, etc. Basically, whenever mom wants son to start to grow up, he goes and runs to dad who enables him to keep status quo. This created major issues as his own personality changes whenever the son is around.

In spring of this year we made the decision to put the needs of our kids first. My son is 19 and needed help as he had left his dads (my ex) and wanted mom. So after only 8 mths of being together, I moved to help my son. We’ve made it work by spending uninterrupted weekends together. Fast forward…my son is now on his own and self sufficient. His son has not stayed with him since August. He’s back in school getting his credits for college and has a plan. GREAT! Things are moving forward! I’m totally supportive of moving forward!

My lease will be up end of April and I am ready to continue to move forward. Both boys seem to have their clear direction. We have a good relationship, spend quality time together yet he STILL hasn’t finalized his divorce (although he did tell me everything would be “done” by end of January).

I would like to get the holidays over with and propose that we start off fresh with a plan to move in together to a home of our own in the spring, and lay down some boundaries (ie if his son comes to visit it’s weekends only, finalize his divorce and stop financially supporting the ex-wife who has a full-time job yet can’t budget), and make our commitment ceremony legal.

In the past year I have moved twice (first to his home, then to another so we could focus on our kids separately. I do all the travelling (an hour each way) to go to him = he does not stay at my place. I cook for him occasionally, but have stopped cleaning his home and doing his laundry = I’m not a maid. I have my own career, great friends and family, and never a shortage of socializing if needed. I am totally self sufficient and never rely on him for anything. It’s not a perfect relationship, but our personalities are very well-matched and we make a great couple. I know he loves me. He is good to me. He’s considerate, compassionate, funny, handsome, smarter than he has a right to be, and a “good guy” but he’s lazy, horribly frightened of confrontation, and won’t take initiative at all.

I think I know the answer but, if he’s not ready come January to start planning our future together for the spring, he never will be…will he…AND…why can’t he seem to break free from the ex victim calling card???? There is no “love” there, but friendship and I accept that and encourage it, but WHY can’t he stop enabling her???? Pay for the kids yes, but not the ex!!!

Feedback most welcome!

[AskApril Masini]

This is pretty simple: You’re dating a married man who isn’t divorced because he doesn’t want to be. 😕

The way you can help yourself out of this predicament is to stop considering the problem here to be him and his son and his wife, and instead, ask yourself why [i]you[/i] would have a commitment ceremony with a man who is married. 😯 My guess is that the commitment ceremony helps you feel like you have a relationship with him that is separate and special from his marriage to his wife. The reality is that he wasn’t divorced for the 11 years he lived “60 seconds away from her” and even after he met you, he didn’t divorce and stayed close with her — for the entire four years you were together. That’s probably hurtful and the commitment ceremony may have made you feel a little better for the time being, but you want more.

My advice is that you decide what it is you want and then go for it, in other words, if you want to remarry, then find someone who’s single and is very clear about wanting to remarry. However, if you decide that what you really want is him, then accept that he’s married and his wife and kids are going to be part of your life, probably the same way they have been over the four years you’ve dated. In other words, don’t stay with him and expect him to change. If you want something to change, look to yourself for that. 😉

I hope that helps.

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[LABlue]

Thank you April…your response is pretty cut and dry and you’re absolutely right!

[AskApril Masini]

Let me know if you need anything else.

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
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And… you can follow my interviews and advice in the press on Twitter [i]@AskAprilcom[/i][/b]

[Lune David]

Okay THIS is exactly why people come to April
Not for fairy dust — for cold, clean truth.

I’m not an expert here, just someone reading this and nodding way too hard. April didn’t even need paragraphs — one sentence and boom: “You’re dating a married man who isn’t divorced because he doesn’t want to be.” That’s it. Mic drop. #askapril

What got me is how much work you’ve been doing — moving houses, driving an hour, cooking, adjusting, compromising while he’s been, emotionally buffering between you, his ex, and his adult kids like a human Wi-Fi extender.

The ex isn’t the real problem. The son isn’t the real problem. The real problem is that he’s comfortable exactly where he is. No deadlines. No pressure. No consequences. Why rush a divorce when everyone else rearranges their life for you?

April’s advice hits because it doesn’t insult him. it empowers you. Either accept the full package as-is, or choose something different. But waiting for him to magically wake up in January with motivation, boundaries, and a backbone? Yeah… that’s hoping, not planning.

Also, side note: commitment ceremony while still married is wild. That’s not moving forward, that’s decorating a parked car and calling it a road trip.

If nothing changes by January, it’s probably not fear — it’s preference. And April clocked that perfectly.

[Member]

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