[Anonymous]

Dear April

I am a soldier on active duty status that has recently returned from Iraq from my first tour to Iraq. My wife of 2 years (been together 9) and I are having problems with getting on with our day to day lives. I have 2 questions that I don’t have any answers too even with the gov’t counciling that I am receiving for PTSD.

1) While I was deployed I did my best to help my wife where I could with paying bills, or deciding which ones to pay extra on, etc as well as supporting her goal to loose weight in a healthy matter for my return to her. As for the bills I have resumed my duties that I did before I left and things are great there…she always got stressed on which to pay extra on and so forth to rid ourselves of credit cards effectively and would just end up only paying min amount on everything. She also reached her weight goal and feels better about herself which has made some difference to our relationship. I say “some” because I still loved her just as much then as I do now the difference is that she loves herself more now and is more confident and feels sexier. My problem is that with the weight loss the size of her breasts shrank. Like I already said I still love her just as much but now she is self confident in this area and can sometimes make our lovemaking awkward because she will make comments that I don’t like them anymore. Which I would like to add I HAVE NOT had any such thoughts. But she has made subtle comments about implants. Now like I said I still love her reguardless and will continue to do so, but how would I go about suggesting we look into it further when she makes the next hint? Now I know that if I don’t do it in a tactful manner it is going to re-enforce her insecurity which would be counter productive. Now even though I will admit I am a breast man I would rather her not have big breasts but just a size large enough to make her feel good again and make her feel attractive so that when I tell her she is she will actually hear me! If and when she does get them is there going to be another issue that is going to keep her loving herself? Or do I just need to beat the idea of implants out of her altogether? I think before I willing headed off to war to make a stand for my country that I would have known her well enough to be able to deal with this myself, but after more than 2 years apart between enlisting in the military, initial training, and the deployment we each grew SO much as individuals without the other around that I don’t know how she thinks as well as I once did! I know that things probably won’t go back to the way they once were but how do I try to get them there in the “here and now”?

2) My second main problem is her refusing to sleep with me again….since I now need a loaded firearm next to the bed to sleep. Ive tried to be understanding of her wishes and not do it but after 15 months of having to do it in a combat zone I literally WILL NOT be able to sleep without it. I went without a full nights sleep (2 weeks) trying to come to neutral ground with her and just keep it unloaded next to the bed without any luck of getting more than 10 minutes of shut eye time. So for right now I sleep in the spare bedroom with my rifle loaded and sleep through the night like a rock again. Question I have is how do I change this for us? I don’t want one of us to eventually walk away for something neither one of us has any control over an no wrong doing on either of our parts. I don’t like that this is the case but it has become an instinctive thing that I have no control over. Apparently this form of PTSD isn’t very common so no know knows what to suggest. Do you have any ideas?

Thanks for any insight…
Confused Soldier

[Ask April Masini]

First of all, thank you for everything you’ve done to serve our country and protect me and everyone in this country and the world. 😀

Next — I’m going to address your question with your wife and her self esteem issues first because that’s more about relationships between two people — my expertise! 😀 Your wife most likely knows that you’re a breast man and that while she lost weight which is great for both of you, breasts are usually the first thing to shrink before a waistline or any other part of the body during a woman’s weight loss. 😆 So she’s happy to have lost the weight, but self conscious that she may not be the sex goddess she once was in your eyes because her body has changed in a way that may not be pleasing to you. If she’s hinted at getting breast implants, that means she wants to talk about it and I suspect she wants to get them — WITH YOUR APPROVAL. She wants to know that you find her sexy as hell with or without them, but if it makes HER feel better about her body, then you’re going to enjoy her with or without them, and if she wants them, you’ll support her all the way.

Does that help? She’s looking for your approval and for your comments that she’s your ideal woman no matter what — but if she wants the implants, you’re all for it — just not too big (or small — or whatever your preference is). This is a great opportunity for the two of you to create new and different intimacy and rebuild your relationship since your return from deployment.

As for your second question about PTSD, I’m not a psychiatrist, psychologist or medical doctor, so please make sure you get qualified medical advice about your condition. Sleeping with a loaded rifle by your bed is understandable given what you’ve been through — but it’s scary to people who haven’t been through what you have and are afraid you’re going to accidently hurt someone. I think that you’re going through a transition from one lifestyle (Iraq) to another (home). The more you make home your life and the more your process your time away and your transition back, the less likely you’re going to be to need that security blanket that is your loaded rifle at night.

Think of it like you would your child who is afraid to go to sleep with the lights off. They really believe in monsters — and while your monsters are not imaginary — they’re not here in this country where we have peace time. The scared child sleeps with the light on until he begins to learn that he’s safe with the light off. This takes however long it takes for him to acclimate to his own reality of his surroundings. When you begin to trust that you don’t need your loaded rifle by your bed at night, you’ll begin to be able to sleep without it and then with your wife.

Be patient with yourself and keep your communication channels with friends, family and loved ones open and functioning. This will help you process your experiences and your feelings. Do have sex with your wife in the bedroom without the rifle and if you have to sleep in a separate room while you’re transitioning back, then do so, but try to rebuild your relationship with your wife while you also heal yourself from the trauma you’ve endured.

I hope that helps. Let me know how things go — and join me on Facebook! I’d love to have you as a free member there at this link: [url][/url]. 😀

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