[treecanary]

Hi there…
I am interested in your advice regarding reuniting with my ex husband. We were married for 15 years and have one son.

I got into a new relationship very quickly after the divorce and it has since hit massive road bumps. So, my ex has been trying to get me back.
We’ve been divorced for about a year and I’ve been with this other man up until a week or two ago…on and off (toward the end).
My ex has seen the problems I had in the new relationship and has chastised me for staying involved as long as I did.

We divorced because we struggled for at least the last 5 years. I lost respect for him. He’s very talented in his profession (works in my field) but makes about a quarter of the money I did. But, he wanted the BMWs…etc. I was the classic enabler. I spent spent spent – trying to please him. He acted like a child quite often… and if “I” needed emotional support (ie scary medical tests etc) he was very cold and shut down. I thought I had cancer and he didn’t even take off work to go get biopsy results with me. That kind of thing.

Anyway, since I was the enabler – I carried the debt. I bought things trying to please. And it got so bad I thought I had to file bankruptcy – since he wanted to start his own business and was not providing consistent income. He wanted me to file alone – to preserve his credit. But, I told him the only way to do that was for us to separate (in the court’s eyes) — have me file — and then get back together. That’s what he wanted.

I got angry. He never went to any of the legal meetings or anything. I was on an island. So finally – I told him that this divorce was REAL. Not fake for the courts. And he kind of ignored me and just kept going along with life.

Well, once I filed – I started going out. Dating a little and I met my BF. My ex husband flipped out. He said that I blindsided him and then he told all of our professional colleagues and even MY FAMILY that I cheated on him. He threated to report me for fraudulent bankruptcy. (BTW I never actually filed bankruptcy – I’ve been trying to repair my own debt).

Then he turned my son against me and told him that I was a liar and that my “friend” was really my Boyfriend and that I didn’t love daddy or him any longer… He’s NINE. He went ballistic.

Anyway, he spent 18k in legal fees trying to get the divorce undone – claiming it was fraud and really cost me almost the same. We are now both dead broke with a ton of legal debt and he wants me to move back in with him. He says we can pay off our bills and I can be a good mother to our son again.

Here’s the problem. I am still hung up on my BF. I had an intense attraction to that man and I just never did with my ex husband. My ex is a very good friend when he feels that we have potential to get back together. Otherwise, no.

So as of a few weeks ago, I told him I needed time. I said I would think about it — that I was in therapy and I needed some time to heal. He told me he wasn’t seeing anyone else. I told him I wasn’t either. But, he has heard me communicating with my BF and crying at times over missing him. He even said he thought that maybe I just needed to go back to him because I’m so screwed up over missing him.

Well, last weekend he found pictures on social media of me with my on and off again BF. He freaked out. He told me to burn in hell and that I was a f*c*ing liar and said that he despised me and he felt so betrayed. He no longer wanted to talk to me and said he wanted me out of my son’s life too.

Now – he’s calmed down a little and I think he’s trying to get me back – again. But, I just don’t know what to do. For our son – it may be best. But, it’s true – I miss my BF so – so much and I feel very destroyed. If I tell my ex that I am NOT moving back right now — I think he will be done for good and he will be out to get me — again.

Any advice?

[AskApril Masini]

The problems you’re having have to do with you. Your ex-husband your ex-boyfriend and the problems you’re having with them, are just symptoms of what’s problematic in your self. That’s why I think you really have to be single and work on you right now. It’s going to be best for yourself, your son, and any man you get together with in the future. Sit down and map out a plan for yourself as a single mother, and keep your focus your own success on all levels. This isn’t a great time for you to reunite with either guy. But it is a great time for you to settle into being single and moving forward in a positive and reconstructive way, with yourself. 😉

Hope that helps!

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