[anabean]

I need some unbiased advice, and maybe a bit of dose of reality.
I was seeing a guy for about 6 months, who was one of my best friends for many years before that. We did enter the relationship knowing it was a risk to the friendship, but I *thought* we were good enough friends to be able to cross that bridge if it came.

At the beginning of this year we were together, then for a couple of weeks he was avoiding me. I finally was annoyed and sent a nasty text message (I know, my bad) and he confessed that he started seeing someone.
Needless to say I’m hurt, embarrassed and not only lost the person I cared about but one of my best friends.
The issue I think is that we are 30 now, and he’s on this war-path of getting a house (he just bought one) and settling down with a wife and kids. The painful part is that he said we had a great relationship and he cares about me, but he clearly does not see me as marriage material.

I have three questions
1) How long should I wait before contacting him? I told him our friendship was over, and he said he’ll keep asking for forgiveness. Its been one week so far. I do miss our friendship a lot.
2) Is there any hope of salvaging our friendship? How do I not fall back too close and only get hurt again when the friendship dissolves when he settles down with future wife?
3) Is it possible I could ever get him back, or am I just reacting because its so soon? I don’t want him to have assumed that I wasn’t ready for a commitment (I have a feeling he thought I wasn’t ready).

[Anonymous]

He already told you, he isn’t into you romantically and you’re not marriage material, at least not in his eyes. And his opinion is what counts, is it not? He is at the point of his life where meaningless messing around is behind him and now he wants to be serious with someone and settle down. You’re not what he’s looking for in that, so you need to let go of the possibility of being with him in the future. Go find someone who will want you as much as you want them. As far as contacting him: that is not for us to say, but only you. You are the one that chose to act angry at him and avoid contact, and now you have to fix it and decide when and how you will speak to him again. If he wants to be your friend he will let it be known, and if not, it was great while it lasted.

Answer: Let him go. Be careful next time.

[anabean]

Ya, you are right. I guess right now I’m just trying to come to terms with it all. I originally was upset and angry at him because he started a relationship with someone else before ending things with me. Which I think I was justified in being hurt and cutting off contact.

However, its not good to carry around this anger, and I’m in the process of learning to let the anger go, and letting him go. It’s sad to know that he couldn’t see a future with me, when I could see a future together.

So, right now I’m focusing on spending time with good friends, and doing things that make me happy. I do need to accept that I can have a life without him in it, and there are good things ahead for me, even if they are very hard to see right now.

Every day does get better (cry count today – only once so far, and not as intense!). I definitely feel that I need serveral weeks of no contact which is killing me, but it is necessary for healing. The hard part is to avoid his fb page, or online status, as I do want to try and become friends again at some point, just not in the way we were before.

Hopefully in a few weeks I can post some happier news about good things and that I have moved on. We all deserve the love and relationships that make us happy, and have to remember that !

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m sorry you’re hurt. Anger is a secondary emotion that masks hurt, so it’s understandable you got dumped, got hurt and expressed anger. Allow yourself the time you need to heal — alone (and by alone, I mean without him).

Rejection is hard to take because it hurts, but the reality is, it’s a gift in disguise. The worst thing anyone can do is waste your time knowing you’re not their Ms. Right. He did you a favor by cutting you free so you CAN go out there and find a man who is perfect for you. He knew he wasn’t because he didn’t have marriage feelings for you, and he did you right by letting you go.

This is NOT the right time to try and contact him again. You’re going to be super hurt when you see him pursuing another woman, buying a home and looking to marry and start a family. Let go — for now. When you’re back on your feet and your daily crying count is down to zero, only then can you consider befriending BOTH he and his girlfriend (because she is part of his life now). If this idea is distasteful to you, you’re not ready.

I’m sorry for you pain, and I know that with time you’re going be just fine. Let the time pass and take good care of yourself.

I hope that helps and that you’ll follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 😀

[islander0710]

Almost same situation here except I ended the relationship with him. We clicked in every way, excellent communication, respect, so much fun. However I have some insecurity issues that he knows about and did not want to get involved with a committed relationship until I worked through them (going to counseling, recently divorced after 20+ marriage that I ended)
So I guess you can say we had a friends with benefits relationship between excellent friends that turned out to be a big surprise for both of us how well we were together. It was fantastic and there are NO regrets. He is amazing and feels the same way about me.

Since the breakup or my ending it, he has not made any contact with me on the matter. I know the business aspect is okay because we have exchanged at least one email specifically regarding a business matter just yesterday.

I dont want the relationship to start up again. I need more time. I have broken it off before and he always takes a few days then calls with a great mature conversation that eases me back and we start again. Each time getting stronger and stronger in our connection. Again, we are amazing together but I have anxiety/insecurity issues that consume me and I just am not ready. We never knew we would fall in such deep like for each other (honestly he may have known that he had desires for me but I never did all those years until one day it just happened)

He has not made contact regarding this matter.
Since I do not want the relationship to start again do I not mention it again until such time as he brings it up? Once I feel I have learned to deal with my issues I plan on calling him to give it a real try. Okay for me to tell him this IF or WHEN he ever brings it up?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m going to answer your third question first because I think you buried the most important question last!

If he’s seeing someone else and just bought a house (with her?), and is on “the war path” towards getting married, having kids and settling down, this isn’t a good person for you, at age 30, to be befriending right now. What you really need to do is focus on what’s best for you, and if you find Mr. Right, you’re going to be a much happier, more settled and focused person yourself. At that time, you can try befriending your old friend and ex-lover without the same risk of upsetting yourself, him, his new girlfriend/fiance/wife. However, once you do find Mr. Right (and I know this is hard to believe right now), you may not need his friendship any more, and a benign disconnect may be the best thing for both of you.

His rejection, telling you you’re not marriage material (for him), is understandably painful, but it’s really a gift in disguise. He’s saved you the time and pain of wasting your relationship energy on someone who was never going to commit to you. Embrace your freedom and start to look outward instead of backwards towards him. Once you get out there and begin dating again, you’re going to feel differently about your friendship with him.

I hope that helps!

See you @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 🙂

[anabean]

Hi April ! Thanks for the words of wisdom, I knew after a few weeks I’d be able to see my situation with a clearer head.

To clear up a few things, he did by a house, but not with her, on his own and that happened just shortly before all of this. He also didn’t outright say I wasn’t marriage material, but we were in a relationship and he was afraid to ‘put labels on it’ and ‘ruin the friendship’ . He talked a lot about not understanding why he wasn’t married by now, so I know its something that has been on his mind a lot. Really, in hindsight, he was jerking me around and holding out for something ‘better’ in his mind (I know I’m awesome, he just couldn’t see it 🙂 )

To give an update, I have seen him once since then, met for coffee, talked about a few things, I really tried hard and didn’t cry 🙂. I can see much more clearly now that something was going on with him and I was in denial. Also, going over a few of his letters to me, he constantly lies to me. I think he says things because he thinks its what I want to hear, or that he doesn’t want to hurt my feelings, but all it does it just annoy me. I will never get the truth from this guy. He gave some lame excuses as to why he thought we wouldn’t work out, I think for him it was just ways to make him feel like he made a good decision.

I did go through the wanting him back, maybe he’ll see how great I am.. etc, phase but I’m past that now. I see now that he could never be with me or treat me the way I want and deserve. No decent girl should have to sit around waiting for a guy to ‘figure out if he wants a relationship or not’. Especially not at my age. I told him I don’t want to be friends right now, and like you said, maybe in time I’ll just realize that this friendship we had has run its course and we should go our separate ways.

So the good news, I started online dating a couple weeks ago, and so far have talked to a few really nice guys and I’m going to meet one tomorrow ! Like you said, this is a blessing in disguise, for too long I’ve let guys make me feel like I’m not good enough. Out of all of this I can see I’ve been selling myself short and compromising when I shouldn’t have. Good love is out there, and I intend to find it !! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m so happy for you!! 😀 Good work and nice payoff. 🙂

I hope to see you on Facebook at this link: [url][/url] and @AskAprilcom on Twitter. 😀

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