[questions123]

Hey, I’m a 22 year old male with a 20 year old girlfriend. We have been together for close to a year and a half and recently we’ve been going through some changes. I’m just wondering if what we’re going through is natural for a couple that’s been together or if I have anything to worry about or if you think we’re going to be ok. To give a little background my girlfriend and I have been head over heels in love, even characterized by our friends as being a “fairytale” and “a happier couple than they’ve ever seen”, spending just about every day together and never going a day without talking, up until a little over a month ago where she just went quiet and almost broke up with me. About this time was she was going through some hard times with her mother and I wasn’t as understanding as I could’ve been. Her mom just did a stint in jail and previous to that had always just used and abused my girlfriend. Her mom’s the kind of person that’s probably never going to change. She just puts up a front for a few weeks to get on peoples good side. When her mom was released my girlfriend started spending a lot of time with her and began doing pretty much everything for her again believing that she’d changed. It worried me that she was just going to be used by her mother again. So instead of being understanding of the unconditional love between them, I reacted poorly and I guess seemed jealous and unhappy that my girlfriend was spending time with her mother again and less with me. Along with this, I guess I had just been smothering her and not realized it because she never said she was unhappy with the things I was doing that she used to love like hanging out every day, constantly touching her or telling her I love her a million times a day. After the first few days of being ignored I had no idea what was going on and went to see her. She was colder to me than she had ever been and after that day I decided to give her space. The very first day I ignored her she texted me saying she loved me. For the next few weeks things slowly started getting back to normal, though we didn’t see each other nearly as much. For the most part I just waited for her to talk to me or hit me up to hang out. I didn’t want to be pushy or anything. During all that time apart I had a lot of time to think about how I’d been as a boyfriend and realized how some of the things I did came off as smothering and that I needed to change. We ended up having a talk and I told her that and how sorry I was and promised to improve. Never thought loving someone too much would backfire on me, but it did. I’m just glad I caught it before I lost her. Since then and even the weeks before then she started saying she loved me again and talking about our future together and all that, and every time we’re together things are normal again. The sex is still great too. She just spends a lot more time with her friends and family now than she did in our first year together. To put that into perspective it was barely any though. So basically in the last month we don’t see each other as much, don’t talk to each other as much. But like I said before, we used to be together and talk almost all day every day. Every time we’re together everything’s great, she just seems to really want me to back off on the PDA. So I’m just wondering does it seem like we got through this rough patch alright? And are the changes I’ve seen in the last month normal after being together over a year?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

How old are you both?

What did her mother do that caused her to be jailed?

Is this her mom’s first time in jail?

[questions123]

I’m 22 and she’s 20. Drug possession. And no, she was in once before but only for about a week versus months. Also something I didn’t mention before. A few weeks after things started getting better, she ran into an ex and he’s been talking to her. When I confronted her about it she assured me they’re just friends. He’s just in the same direct social circle as all her best girlfriends. So kind of unavoidable I guess. Still doesn’t make me very comfortable.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Thanks for the extra information. 🙂

Your girlfriend’s mother is going to get worse unless she changes her life, and your girlfriend has to come to terms that her mother is a drug addict and a criminal. If your girlfriend was older, this might be easier, but because of her age, it’s probably going to take her longer to figure this out. It makes sense that your girlfriend is backing away from you at the same time her mother has been released from jail, and she’s probably processing the relationship she has with her mother and how she’s going to deal with the relationship.

Of course the ex-boyfriend showing up in the picture does indicate you’ve got some competition, and because of that, you need to step up your game. Don’t have any “talks” about your feelings. Instead, be a better boyfriend! I’m not saying you weren’t, but we can all bring it on when there’s competition to fend off. Flowers, poems, dates — if you want to win her over, this is the time to try and do so. 😉

As for your own needs that may have pushed her away: Use any neediness you feel as an opportunity to feel uncomfortable and not necessarily act on the feelings. This is a discipline, and being aware that you feel jealous or needy is the first step, and you seem to have that down. Pretend you’re a third party observing your game, and be the hero you want to be who wins the girl. 😀

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url][/b]

[questions123]

Ya, hopefully soon enough she realizes that it’s not her job to be her parent’s parent. That shouldn’t be a responsibility she has to take on.

I definitely have been stepping it up taking her out more and on nicer dates instead of just hanging around the house every day. Sometimes though it seems like she’s appreciating it, sometimes not.

It’s like she has an on/off switch with me lately. She’ll say how much she loves and misses me and how she can’t wait to hang out and have my arms around her. And calls to say good morning and good night or just to check in. Other days she just completely ignores me but I see her commenting other people and stuff on Facebook.

I just worry too that something’s going on behind my back. I trust her when she says she’s just friends with the guy. I just don’t trust him obviously. But when I hear from her a lot less, she’s hanging out with that group a lot more, and she also has her phone attached to her hip like never before. It makes me a little paranoid.

Am I just over thinking it?

Also she seems to currently be ignoring me again. Haven’t heard from her in almost two days. Last time we talked everything was totally fine. Since then I’ve sent her a couple texts. No response. Not gonna try contacting her until she contacts me I guess.

[questions123]

So update as of today. She finally called me after four days and said that she’s been out of town. She’s just needed a break from everything, not just me. Which I can believe with all the stresses in her life. She said that she really doesn’t want to break up, she just needs some time away from everything. She said she still loves me dearly, and promised that I mean the world to her. I asked her if that was really all that’s going on (with a “I’m not so sure you’re telling me everything” tone), because she seemed to be much more protective of her phone and cpu recently and she responded, “If you think I’m cheating on you or something, that’s not what’s happening. You know I’d never do that to you. It really hurts that you’d even think i’m capable of that.” I just responded saying. “No I don’t think you’re capable of that and that’s not what I think. You just haven’t been yourself and then you disappear for four days. I didn’t know what to think.” But I told her I loved and trusted her. And she promised me that we’d talk when she gets back. And I said I’m still gonna be here for her. So where do I go from here?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You need to be patient and competitive! 😉 Balance giving her space and not being needy with letting her know you care by sending her flowers, poems, love letters, and asking her out. 🙂

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url][/b]

[questions123]

Hey April, here’s the attachment to the old thread of the new thread I posted earlier.

About a week after my last post in this thread back at the end of July my girlfriend at the time dumped me. Turned out she had been hanging out with that ex from high school behind my back for weeks.

So here’s the update on the current situation

My ex-girlfriend (21) of a year and a half and I (23) recently started talking again after being broken up for the last 5 months. The first 3 apart were no contact and the 4th was very little.

The reason for the split was her being tired of being in a relationship and she had also started hanging out with her high school flame again for a few weeks and went on vacation with him without telling me for a week before she came back and dumped me. From what I can tell, she’s been casually seeing this guy ever since, but they’ve never made it official.

I never wronged this girl in any way. I loved her with all my heart and gave her everything I could and she knows that. I just made things a little too easy. (It might also be important to mention that were each others first loves and sexual partners.)

Last month we hung out for the first time since the split when she came to a concert of mine and it was completely comfortable like nothing bad even happened. She ended up coming to my house after and we just had an awesome night hanging out as friends.

I didn’t see her and barely talked to her for about three weeks after that until she randomly called me a few days before Xmas to celebrate her 21st birthday with her. I thought I’d be meeting up with her and a group of friends, but it turned out to just be me her and her older sister. We ended up being all couply and made out that night. This past weekend we ended up hanging out again and went to grab a drink. We ended up being all couply again that night even more so than the week before and confessed how much we missed each other. We ended up going back to my place and having sex and then just cuddled and talked about a bunch of good memories of being together for the next few hours. Extremely intimate night.

I thought we might be starting to get on the road to getting back together. But…

On Sunday she posted a picture of a super romantic gift with the caption “Cutest gift ever” followed by a bunch of icons like this… The gift was totally not from me. So I asked her about it because It had me a little confused. This is how the conversation went…

Me: So friday was a lot of fun

Ex: Haha ya it was

Me: glad you came to hang out. haha.
can i ask you something though?

Ex: Ya sure

Me: saw that pic on instagram of the bear and stuff.
???

Ex: Ok?

Me: are you seeing somebody?

Ex: Lol no it was just a silly present

Me: o haha ****. i feel like a dumbass

Ex: Lol

Me: i’m sorry haha. i just kinda saw that and was like what?

Ex: Ya cheating isn’t really my thing
But
I’m not tied down to any one person

Me: ok. i wasnt saying that. i know that. i give you the right to slap me next time we hang out
haha
im sorry

She didn’t respond after that and we haven’t spoken since.

So I don’t really know what to think. Did I mess things up by asking her that? I feel like I had a right to know considering I’m not just some random new guy trying to date her. I’m the guy she planned on marrying not too long ago.

And does it seem like she wants to come back to me? Some of my friends say it sounds like she might but now she’s just conflicted because she’s had this casual thing going and never expected to start seeing me again. But now I’ve come back into the picture and she doesn’t know what to do. Cause she obviously still has feelings for me.

I know it might not be the best idea, but I still really love her and want to give things another shot.

So let me know how I should go about this. Do I say something to her again or just leave it alone and wait till she talks to me again?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I don’t think you’re hearing her. 😕 She’s being very clear with you that she’s playing the field, and while she’s not cheating, she’s not going to be monogamous right now.

You have to decide if you want to continue dating her to either a) win her over and get her to want to be with you and only you, or b) want to continue dating her, knowing she’s playing the field and dating other people and you can do the same, or c) decide that you really want to date someone who’s only dating you, in which case you have to move on because she’s not that woman.

I know you want to go back to the way things were with the two of you when you were a very tight, monogamous couple, but she doesn’t. At least right now. If you continue to ask her who gifts were from, and try to get her to make you feel secure in the relationship, you’ll push her away.

The choice is yours because she’s being clear, but if you don’t listen to her, you’re going to find yourself in drama and disappointment. 😉

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url][/b]

[questions123]

Guess I might just have to sack up and deal with it because I definitely want to win her back. With the whole gift thing or questioning her I know not to do that now. After the other night I was given the impression that she was coming back to me, but I know now that I was wrong. Just sucks that she’d do that to me because I know she knows what I want. So why even mess with my head like that? Alright well the last thing I want to do is push her way, but I do want to continue this and just see where it goes. So what do I do? Haven’t seen or talked to her in almost a week now.

[questions123]

Also, if that’s how she wants things to be then I’ll also take advantage of being single at times when the opportunity arrises. I just want to know if you think I burned the bridge of having anything (even casual) with her again by questioning her like that. Or if it’s just something she’ll be annoyed about for a few days and then get over it so we can keep hanging out.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

[quote] Just sucks that she’d do that to me because I know she knows what I want. So why even mess with my head like that?[/quote]

I’m not sure why you think she’s messing with your head. If anything, she’s being clear with you. You’re the one who gets to decide how you want to behave, knowing that she’s playing the field. If you really feel like it’s “messing with your head”, then she’s probably not someone you should date because it’s going to be too upsetting to you. 😳

[quote]Alright well the last thing I want to do is push her way, but I do want to continue this and just see where it goes. So what do I do? Haven’t seen or talked to her in almost a week now.[/quote]

You have to compete for her. You have to win her over. You have to woo her and make her want to be with you! 😉

[quote]I just want to know if you think I burned the bridge of having anything (even casual) with her again by questioning her like that. Or if it’s just something she’ll be annoyed about for a few days and then get over it so we can keep hanging out.[/quote]

It depends. If you can change your behavior, and she believes you really have changed your behavior, and she becomes more interested in you than any other guy in her life, then you absolutely have not burned a bridge. But if she really feels like you’ll never change and you’re someone who’s got parameters that aren’t compatible for her, then it’s not that you’ve burned a bridge, but you’ve shown her that you’re someone she’s not interested in at this time in her life.

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url][/b]

[questions123]

I can definitely change my behavior. Haha. I mean, I already have. That’s what re-attracted her and got her curious again in the first place for sure. And she was loving it. Guess that slight bit of the old me just popped out feeling like it was getting serious again instead of just being chill.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

That’s terrific! 😀

Be patient with yourself, and focus on the discipline of the change you’re making. 😉

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url][/b]

[Member]

Posts