[lost]

Dear April,

Mine is a long story which I hope you’ll find time to read. I am 24 years old and have been with my boyfriend for 10 years now, let’s call him H.

In 2001, I moved out of my parents’ house to live with a relative. The following year, my relative sold his home and I needed to rent a room. I was working as a tutor at that time and making just enough to survive. H suggested we that since I was going to have to pay rent, we should rent a home-office space where we could start a small business from.

We would run that business for the following four years. As H was serving the country and would only be home in the evenings, I was responsible for the daily operations of the business and H was responsible for providing strategic direction for the business. At its peak, the business earned me an income that far exceeded my peers’. Somewhere along the line, I started spending more and more time hanging out with a neighbour, and paying less attention to the business. The business struggled and H kept trying to get me to refocus but perhaps I was too immature or too inexperienced, but in the end we ran into debts, not getting enough sales and had to close the business in 2006.

During the dying days, H spent alot of time on his own, trying to make sense of the failure. As much as he tried to hide it, I knew the failure was a big blow to him. Shortly after, we agreed that I would find a job while H would try to start a new business. He helped me write my resume, take photographs and create a video resume..and within two weeks, I landed a job that paid me comparatively if not higher than a graduate (I was not yet 21 and without a college degree). It was quite a feat, if I’m honest.
For the next 1.5 years, I gave him $300 a month for his expenses, which was hardly enough for sustenance, much less for starting a business. According to him, I began “stepping all over” him during this time. Stuff like asking him what he did while I was at work, making myself out to be the successful one while he was the bummer. His analogy for this was that both of us were in a deep hole, he propped me up by letting me stand on his shoulders to get out of the hole. But instead of throwing a rope back in to the hole to hoist him out, I throw more dirt in to the hole.

Towards the end 2007, he completed his one-year diploma program and decided to find a job. He had formed a new life plan with fresh goals and was getting ready to dive in to the employment market. I felt a deep sense of guilt and regret for his plight. I believed that he was short-changing himself by being in a job. Faced with a pathetic year-end bonus from my company, I was motivated to leave my job as well. It was then that an opportunity opened up. My mother who had been running a food supply business told me of a café which had just closed and whose owner was looking for someone to take over the space and the equipment. I thought it was a good deal because my mother would be paying for the rent for at least the first few months until we got the business on to its feet, plus we would also be getting discounted supplies since my mother could handle the supply for us, and lastly, H loved to cook and had always spoke about opening up a café in the future. So I spoke to H about it, we spent a few weeks considering the idea, doing feasibility studies etc. He was not overly excited but I was, it offered me another stab at self-employment, away from my miserly employers. Somehow, I managed to convince him to do it, ignoring the fact that we did not have sufficient capital, did not have any experience in the food industry and did not have much time to create a sustainable business plan. It was a “let’s try it and see how it goes” approach.

So we took out a $20,000 loan from his aunt, I left my job and spent the following months trying to set up this café. H worked really hard during these few months, the hardest I have seen anyone work. While I was trying my hardest to keep awake, he would be trying out recipes after recipes in the kitchen. He did everything, from the food to the finance to the marketing. I tried to help as much as I could but soon realised I was not cut out for a food business. H was mad at me all the time because he said I only cared about myself, and I was responsible for putting him in to the mess he was in. He would say, “When the business finally works, I’m going to leave and you’ll never see me again.” While it did finally open, we had to close it shortly after because we ran out of money to run it. My mother had been promising for weeks that a deal with her investors would work out, but it didn’t. The day we decided to close it, H started to pack his stuff and say goodbye. I cried, screamed and begged him not to leave- I told him I would change.

And so, here I am today. It has been 1½ years since that day, I am in a job and he is at home, sleeping off four cans of beer. For the past year, he has been looking for a job but apparently, no one wants to hire a failed entrepreneur. I have not done much to help him because I do not know how to. I don’t know what I should do. He says that I am more energetic playing computer games and house hunting (we’re looking to buy a home) than I am helping him. His analogy this time is that I have capsized a boat that we both were on. Now we are on this island but I am doing nothing to get us out of this island. Instead, he has to build a raft on his own to get himself out of the island.

I ask myself if his words hold water and yes, I have to admit: they do. The thing is, I really don’t know how to help him! He has been helping me all along and now it’s my turn but I just don’t know how!! I wish I could give him back the past ten years of his life but obviously I can’t…feeling really lost…

[Ask April Masini]

I’m not sure why you feel responsible for your boyfriend’s depression and failure to thrive. It doesn’t sound like you’ve done anything nefarious or dishonest this whole ten years you’ve been with him. Your boyfriend is very much an adult, and if he chooses to stay home and drink and sleep off his drunken stupor, that’s not your fault. You can be sympathetic and even empathetic, but you can’t save him. He has to do that himself.

It’s unfortunate when businesses fail, but sometimes they do, and in recent years, more often than not, businesses have failed. It can be depressing to lose money, lose a dream business, and the hopes of what would happen if the business thrives, but reality dictates that some business make it and others don’t.

Being around someone who is chronically depressed can depress a normally content person, and it sounds like that’s what is happening to you. His depression is almost “catching.” Besides which, you want to save him from his depression, but you can’t. He has to find a way to get through this difficult time where he’s looking for a job, and to keep going.

In the meantime, you have to take care of yourself in every way you know how. Eat right, exercise, keep regular schedules and see supportive friends and family. If your boyfriend will see a physician for his chronic depression that may help him.

When he does get back on his feet, it’s probably a good idea if the two of you don’t work together any more because that way you won’t blame yourself for his failures, and he won’t blame you either. Allow yourselves to separate in work, but come together as a social and romantic couple.

I hope that helps!

[Author]

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