[Berb]

I have been friends with this girl for about a year. i guess we kinda have a connection its fun being around her and everyone always tells us we should date(we walk home together). about a week ago i asked if we should date because of what people have been saying and i wont lie i have been starting to like her a little more than a friend also. she said she wasnt sure and 12 hours later she told me yes. it was going well for 2 days and she agreed that it was working out well but said she wasnt ready and that she has to get her school stuff sorted out first(me and her are both sophomores)so the dating kinda stopped.

its been a few days now and we are friends still but i can clearly see that we are defiantly closer now but i would like to date her. ive been talking to her on the phone after school and she says that since we will be friends for a while (im about to be picking her up for school in the morning when i get my license in a bout 3 month and we are going to go to the same college) that we will date a littler later and she wants to get her school schedule and after school clubs sorted out first. right now she says that she likes me but just doesnt want to do it right now. and im worried that if this goes on longer i may get thrown into the friends zone, ive even asked her but she said no. we have never fought and we are cool. i dont have much experience with girls and im not very confident. i dont mind waiting for her to get her stuff together because im not too rushed on having a girlfriend right now in highschool.

i dont know if i just keep talking to her and wait but i just dont want to end up having my hopes up and in the end getting my feelings destroyed. and im also not sure if she would really eventually want to go out with me again even though it went well or she is just saying that we could one day again.

[AskApril Masini]

I understand and agree with your not wanting to be friend zoned, but that means you have to be less available and less of the nice guy who’s always around. Instead, change your behavior two ways. First of all, don’t see, talk or communicate as often as you have been. If you talk on the phone, make it once a week instead of once a day. The idea is to get her to miss you and see you as a valuable part of her life that she wants more of. When you’re always there, she’s more likely to take you for granted than if you’re there less often, but when you are, it’s great. Which leads me to the second thing you have to change, and that’s your attitude towards her. Instead of behaving like a friend, start flirting with her when you are with her, and act more like a guy who wants to date her than a guy who wants to be friend zoned. If you change these two things about yourself, you’ll most likely see a reaction in her behavior.

I hope that helps! Let me know how things go.

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[Berb]

what if she is the one who is always asking for us to skype and talk and stuff?

[AskApril Masini]

The same advice applies:

[quote]…you have to be less available and less of the nice guy who’s always around. Instead, change your behavior two ways. First of all, don’t see, talk or communicate as often as you have been. If you talk on the phone, make it once a week instead of once a day. The idea is to get her to miss you and see you as a valuable part of her life that she wants more of. When you’re always there, she’s more likely to take you for granted than if you’re there less often, but when you are, it’s great. Which leads me to the second thing you have to change, and that’s your attitude towards her. Instead of behaving like a friend, start flirting with her when you are with her, and act more like a guy who wants to date her than a guy who wants to be friend zoned. If you change these two things about yourself, you’ll most likely see a reaction in her behavior. [/quote]

😉

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[Berb]

ok we are dating now for about a month and 1 week now but i just have questions becuase i have absolulty no idea what im doing ive never had a girlfriend and i also feel insecure.

1 is i haven’t kissed her yet and i want too but the only reason is i have no idea how to kiss. like not the setting or stuff or when i mean like literally the mechanics of it where the lips go how much pressure.

another is that she not really found out but heard that i masturbate and she said it was disgusting and she never has, i believe her because she was pretty serious when she said it is disgusting. anyway the reason this comes to my attention is that since she has never felt the feeling or anything i feel like she will go with someone else like years from now to get the feeling. another thing is she does not like to be touched like at all barely any. she will let me hug on her most of the time and stuff but she doesn’t like to cuddle. so with that in mind idk if know i should and am going to wait for the sexual stuff but it just bothers me in the back of my mind like should i kinda slowly caress her boobs and thats it or something after a few more months or should i just wait until she starts wanting to do anything. i dont want her leaving me because i cant provide what she needs. or should i just not worry about it at all. because people at my school are like having oral sex and stuff and it makes me feel like i would have to worry about that. but since she isnt into that stuff yet idk if i should ease her into it even if i have no experience or just wait for her to do it but by then she would have left bec i cant provide what she needs. i dont need the sexual stuff and can wait until college or after but i just dont want her leaving me becuase i dont please her.

like i said i have completely absolulty no idea what im doing for long term relationship thinking.

[AskApril Masini]

How old are you both?

[Berb]

we are both 16, but i know sexual stuff shouldnt be even thought about right now. but it just bothers me for in the future and keeping the relationship moving.

im probably over reacting and shouldnt even be worrying but i cant prioritize my thoughts, i have to think of everything at once and i always get stressed out.

[AskApril Masini]

Thanks for the information — that definitely helps.

So, you already know you’re getting ahead of yourself thinking about sex when you’ve only been dating a month and haven’t kissed yet. 😉 But I understand that there’s a lot of peer pressure at your age. The important thing here is to slow down and not do things just because other people are pressuring you to. You’ll regret it if you succumb to peer pressure, and you may be putting other people and other people’s feelings ahead of yours and hers, and that can sabotage any relationship. So first things first! 🙂

Your questions about kissing are good ones. I think everybody feels the way you do before a first kiss. There are a couple of tricks to kissing that I can help you with. First thing is to really like the person, and if they like you back, there’s a better chance of things going well. Second, kissing in real life is not like the movies. You may knock glasses, miss her lips or need a “do-over” in real life. If that happens, you have to remember it happens to loads of people, it’s not just you, so relax. This is real life. Third, you have to commit to the kiss. Backing out halfway there is kind of weird. If you’re going to kiss her, and the moment is right, go for it, all in. I hear from a lot of guys who need reassurance, and while that may work for her, most women want to be kissed by a guy who’s got some commitment to the kiss. Fourth, go slowly. If you rush in, you’re likely to scare her, and you miss your target. If you go slowly, you’ll remember the moment, give her a few seconds to adjust to the idea of what’s happening, and be able to aim for her lips (your target). It’s also better technique, in general, to go slowly with everything when it comes to romance, kissing and sex, if you want to be a good lover. As for your question about how much pressure to apply, I know it sounds like a science test query, but the answer in real life is to start with very little pressure, and in the same first kiss, apply pressure slowly. With any luck, she’ll kiss back, and the pressure question will be answered by her response to your kiss. Don’t go in for a first kiss with mouth wide open like a grouper fish. Just open it very gently and see how she responds. The thing about kissing is that you make the first move, but how the kiss goes, and whether it turns into more than one kiss or making out, has to do with her response.

I hope that helps!

As for sex, I know that other kids are doing it, but my advice to you is don’t. You’re not ready. She’s not ready. And if you push her for it, you’re going to lose her. She’s definitely not ready for sex (which includes oral sex), and neither are you. I know it’s hard to stand up to peer pressure, but having the opportunity to do so gives you a way to create and build your own character. Every time you have a choice like this to make, it’s a way to define who you are. So, my advice is to continue to build your relationship with her, slowly, by doing things together, talking together, going to movies, out for ice cream, studying together — and if you continue to like each other, and feel romance growing, focus on hand holding, and kissing — for now. You can put your arm around her waist, or around her shoulders, as your relationship grows. The more you build a relationship with her, that includes intimacy that comes from sharing life together, feelings together and secrets together, and the more you build a physical relationship on building blocks like kissing, hand holding and putting your arm around her, the more comfortable it will be to have a sexual relationship together — if and when you’re both ready. 😉

Don’t worry about the masturbation comment. It’s a sign for you to understand that she’s not ready for a lot of talk about sex or action when it comes to sex. It doesn’t mean it will always be that way, but for now, don’t push her or you’ll lose her. 😉

You’re welcome to check in with me if you have more questions. I hope that helps. 🙂

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