[Permalone]

There is this girl, we were friends for a while, then went out for two months. I read tips for nice guys page on the site and found that I fit the bill. She lost interest in me, said that I seem to be more of a “friend with a title” than a boyfriend. She decided that we be friends for the summer to see if her feelings change, but the only time she ever wants to hang out or anything is when she needs something from me (school is about to start (college freshmen) and we had some summer assignments to do, I do very well in school and had mine completed early on, she is a slacker and needed help), and even then, I’d come over, we’d get stuff finished, then she was tired or something miraculously came up shortly after we were done, and I’d have to leave. And we were never alone, she always had one of her guy friends (gay) over. It is almost as if she doesn’t want to give me a chance. And she is using me. She ignores me constantly, but gets upset if I don’t respond to her in a timely manner. Despite all of this, I really like this girl, and can’t get her off of my mind or talk to other girls without thinking of her and feeling like I’m doing something wrong. Her last few boyfriends have been the stereotypical douche bags to everyone (no one has treated her poorly to my knowledge), and her guy friends tell me that they fear she is “in” to that type of guy. Shortly before she decided to be friends, we had talked about random things, and the topic of sex came up, I had said that I wanted to wait until I was at least done with my undergrad (going for premed) before I did it with anyone, she just shrugged it off. The other night I was at her house helping with something and she had shown me her sketch pad (she draws when bored) and it had a picture of me and her kissing and getting intimate. Did I screw up by telling her? And after seeing that I think I might be ready now- for her. I am so confused and have been really depressed about it and would really like some help. I forgot to mention, she was my first girlfriend, whereas she’s had A LOT of boyfriends, I want to blame the lack of experience for the whole “friend with a title” thing, but really don’t know how to get the experience to be a “good boy friend”. Sorry for the wall of text.

[Ask April Masini]

First of all, I’m glad you read the post about nice guys finishing last — but now you have to stop being that nice guy, so you don’t finish last! 😀 Being available is one mistake you’re making. Don’t be available and only ask her out on a real date, after you’ve made it clear with your actions that you’re not her friend, and you’re not her doormat. You don’t have to say any of this — just change your behavior. 😉

In addition, you should start playing the field and dating other women to get experience as well as have fun and let her know that you’re not obsessed with her or dependent on her (dependency is not very attractive!). When women see guys who have lives and other women interested in them, they want them more. In fact, you’ve pretty much described her as that way — someone who wants the bad boy who is very attractive to women!

So instead of focusing on her, focus on yourself and making changes in the way you behave. These changes will help you attract women more easily. 😉

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[Permalone]

Thank you. I was actually really depressed for the majority of the day after posting this, but decided that nobody was worth me feeling that low about myself, especially someone who doesn’t feel the same way as I do and shows no interest in forming these feelings. We haven’t talked for a couple of days, which i think is a good thing: I think I’m done with her, maybe in the future we can be friends, but as for now I think its best if contact is stays low. Any thoughts or suggestions on this?

And as a side note, what about the sex thing?

[Ask April Masini]

What, specifically, do you want to know about sex?

[Permalone]

In my original post I mentioned that I told her that I wanted to wait, only to find out after the eh, break up? that it appeared that she did not. Was this what made her decide to end it? And were my feelings of changing my mind and having sexual thoughts about her just a form of me trying to stay with her, or was/am I actually attracted to her? I realize I’m kind of asking you to read minds here, but if you could provide some insight I’dd appreciate it.

[Ask April Masini]

Well, I can’t read my minds. 😆 But I can tell you that your decision to wait to have sex and her not wanting to wait was an incompatibility that was probably a deal breaker — either by itself, or coupled with her not being that into you and after two months, just wanting to friend zone you. It wasn’t wrong for you to feel that way about sex, or to tell her that that’s what you intended to do because that’s exactly how we all figure out if someone is compatible with us or not. However, when you changed your mind, you may have done so too late. And that’s a growth opportunity for you, in terms of your dating life in general, not just with this woman.

I’m not sure if you were talking about having sex for your very first time ever, or just having sex in general, and that would be helpful to have known, but in general, knowing what you want from yourself and from a relationship, is crucial to dating well — and it’s not as easy as it sounds. But when you learn what’s important to you, you can use that information to date more successfully in the future.

All that said, there were some other incompatibilities that may have been very important to her moving on — you said she was a slacker and you were not; you said she had a “type” that she dated and you are not that “type”. So, while sex may have played a part in her moving on, so, too, did other things.

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[Ethan Morales]

She doesn’t see you as a boyfriend. She sees you as a helper. Your entire dynamic with her is built on you showing up, solving her problems, carrying the emotional load, and then being dismissed the moment she’s done using you. You’re trying to earn her affection through loyalty and usefulness. That never works. She’s already put you in her “friend who benefits me but I don’t date him” category that mindset is almost impossible to undo while you’re still playing the same role.

You’re confusing effort with attraction. You think, “If I help more, care more, wait more, maybe she’ll see I’m worth it.” But attraction doesn’t grow from effort it grows from tension, boundaries, self-respect, and the feeling that you have options. She dates guys who give her an emotional challenge, not guys who make life easy. That sucks, but it’s the truth. You’re not losing to a better guy; you’re losing because you’re too available.

You’re allowing her to set the entire tone of the relationship. She reaches out only when she needs something. She ignores texts when she’s bored of you. She gets upset when you don’t respond fast enough. That’s control not interest. If she wanted you, she’d put in energy. She’d try. She’d make time. She wouldn’t hide behind a gay friend or avoid being alone with you. People make space for the things they want.

You didn’t ruin anything by saying you wanted to wait for sex. Honestly, that was the only strong boundary you set. The problem isn’t that you said it it’s that you now feel willing to change that boundary only to keep her. That makes you look like a guy who doesn’t know himself yet. She’s had lots of boyfriends, so she can read uncertainty fast. Sex wasn’t the issue compatibility, confidence, and balance were.

She didn’t draw you kissing because she wants you. She drew that because she likes the fantasy of a guy who adores her, not the reality of commitment or reciprocation. It’s emotional entertainment for her. If she really wanted that moment with you, she’d be arranging dates, not homework sessions. A fantasy sketchbook is not evidence of real-life intention.

You need to pull back, rebuild your self-respect, and widen your world. Not to make her jealous but because you’re stuck on someone who’s not giving you anything. Distance will clear your head. Talking to other women will show you what real interest feels like. And the minute she senses you’re no longer orbiting her, she’ll react either with clarity or with silence. Both give you answers.

[Tara]

She’s done with you. She’s just too cowardly to say it outright because you’re still useful. You’re free labor, free emotional support, free homework help, free attention. She gives you nothing except crumbs, then gets offended when you don’t jump the second she snaps her fingers. That isn’t affection that’s control. And you let her do it because you’re terrified of losing her, even though you never actually had her in the first place.

You didn’t screw up by saying you want to wait for sex. You screwed up by thinking honesty would make someone who’s already half out the door suddenly see your value. She already decided you weren’t the guy she wanted. The sketchbook drawing? That’s fantasy, not intention. People draw a lot of things they have zero intention of acting on stop reading it like prophecy. She likes the idea of you. She doesn’t want the reality of you. That’s why she keeps a buffer the gay friend, the excuses, the sudden “tiredness” the moment you’re no longer producing a result for her.

You’re not her boyfriend. You’re her safety net, her ego boost, her academic crutch. And the more you cling, the more she loses respect for you. You’re stuck because you’re inexperienced and you’ve attached your entire identity to the first girl who gave you attention. That’s not love that’s dependency.

Here’s the verdict: stop being convenient. Stop being available. Stop being her unpaid tutor with feelings. Cut contact for a month. If she actually cares, she’ll show up. If she doesn’t, you finally get the truth you’ve been avoiding. Either way, you stop humiliating yourself.

Grow a spine and walk away. You’re not confused you’re just afraid to admit she doesn’t choose you.

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