[steventoldo]

Hi April,

So my story starts with a classic tale of boy meets girl at a mutual friends parties a few times after which they agree to go on a date. So after our first date, everything went really quickly; she was saying she loved me after 2 weeks of dating and I always thought it was too soon. She stayed over at mine almost every day, telling me I made her feel things nobody ever made her feel before. And every time we were together, life was perfect.

But there was also a dark side. whenever we would be apart, she would get furious at me for not answering her texts in a particular manner. She always felt the need to say she missed me and that she loved me, while I was trying to focus at work or simply wanted a fun light-hearted conversation. I don’t know about you, but I like my girlfriends to also be a friend I can have normal conversations with.

I had already planned a 2 week trip to New York when we were dating for 2 months (I live in Belgium) before I met her and she got absolutely pissed off at me and started crying if i didn’t let her know what I was doing at every point of every day. Once i had a wifi signal for about 5 minutes which I used to meet up with friends. She saw that I was online and freaked out that I “ignored” her.

So basically, she was a master at manipulating my feelings for her since I always had to plan what I was going to say very carefully to not make her cry or yell.

And then, after 3 months she decided she had to find herself and broke it off. She started to cry and said all the usual cliché stuff. I was ok with it; I completely understand that reasoning that when you go from one relationship to another you kind of lose yourself.

So 3 weeks pass and everything is fine between us (there’s an occasional argument whenever I end up not responding to news in a “good” way) and I notice a guy is telling her she looks beautiful on her new profile picture. S I joke around and say she has an admirer. She tells me that if she doesn’t want to be with anyone else but me. 2 days later she goes out for drinks with a mutual friend of ours and a guy we both met at a NYE party. So she says they all had a nice time. That was thursday. On friday she asks me if I’m doing anything on saturday because she’s going out with that same group again and it would be amazing if we ended up going to the same place together. So I tell her I’ll let her know.

Come saturday afternoon, I tell her where I’m planning on going because my battery is about to die and she tells me it’s gonna be just her and the guy from thursday (the friend flaked on them) and maybe we’ll all bump into each other.

So nothing happened; party sucked and I went home.

On sunday she texts me saying: why didn’t you let me know where you were? I tell her my battery died, but she could have easily texted one of my friends ( she has both of their numbers).
So we talk about how shit saturday night was for me and I ask how her night was. She says it was pleasant, but whenever I ask where she went, she ignores it.

finally i ask how her evening was and what they did for the 4th time and she says “it was pleasant, he cooked for me”. So I say I know enough and i don’t want to talk to her anymore. She says I’m being childish and that i don’t understand the situation and that when she talks to him she feels like she’s known him for years (after 2 dates!?). On monday, I’m at work and she sends me a text saying I’m being childish again. But at the same time I notice she’s changed all her profile pictures to pictures of her and the guy with subtitles saying: “the beginning of something beautiful”. I tell her again not to contact me anymore because it sickens me that she can just jump onto another guy that quickly when she needed to find herself and only 4 days before, she said she only wanted to be with me.

So today I sent her a long text (which I should not have done) in which I explain to her how much she hurt me and how disrespecting it is of her to talk about him like that to me. I also told her she was manipulative, and will never be happy as long as she doesn’t love herself. Granted I took things too far, but I had to get it off my chest.

By the way. I’m 23, she’s 21 and the guy she’s now dating is 26 and already has 2 kids back in France from his ex-wife. So in the long rant, I also talked about her already being a step mum and such things. I was in a vindictive mood.

Ijust don’t know how not to think about her anymore. I mean, am i the one in the wrong here, or is 3 weeks very soon indeed? I don’t know what to think or do anymore.

Sorry for my bad grammar/ english; it’s my third language.

thank you,
Stevi

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re having trouble moving on because you’re sticking around your ex, while she’s dating a new guy. 😕 This isn’t going to get any better unless you reconsider what a break up is. They call it a break up because it means there’s a break in the relationship and in communication. You’ve stopped dating her, but you’re still talking on the phone, texting, commenting on her social media, and making plans to get together — and you’re starting to get nasty about the guy she’s dating now. 😮

You’re going to have a much easier time of things if you stop talking to her. You’re not her friend, and she’s not yours. She’s dating someone else, and it’s time for you to move on and have the opportunity to date people if you’d like to. If you stop communicating with her, you’ll have an easier time.

I hope that helps!

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[steventoldo]

Thanks, I already deleted her number and unfollowed her on everything. But I still feel bitter; how can she say she loves me and wants to be with me if she could and then 4 days later be in love with another guy and tell me she loves him more than she ever loved me?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

[quote]But I still feel bitter; how can she say she loves me and wants to be with me if she could and then 4 days later be in love with another guy and tell me she loves him more than she ever loved me?[/quote]

What people say is less important than what they do, and when their words and the behavior don’t match up, it’s much better to believe their behavior. So, while she told you she loves you and wants to be with — she didn’t act that way. She moved on with another guy. I know you want to believe that what she told you is true, but clearly it isn’t.

She may have said it to you because she wanted to avoid disappointing you. Or because she didn’t want an argument. Some people say what they need to say to feel the way they want to feel — in other words, she may have told you she loved you when she didn’t because it was easier for her to be with you if you believed she loved you.

I think you’re feeling bitter because you’ve been rejected. You put your heart on the line and she found someone she liked better, and wasn’t completely honest about her feelings at the end of the relationship. Time is your friend here, and the more time that and energy that you invest in you life without her, the better you’re going to feel, and the less bitter, too. 🙂

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