[essco]

I met a woman a few weeks ago. She is everything I ever wanted in one package. I am 65. When I was 14 and I dreamed of the woman I would love I dreamed of her. We have had just 2 dates. Our first was a “Winter Dance Party” (for those of you who could remember Buddy Holly). She emailed me the next morning telling me she had an “enchanted” time. Then she went on a 15 day cruise with her family. When she got back we went out for steak and then listened to a folk singer. She got a pink rose and a handmade valentines day card. She hugged me. She kissed me. Pointed out how she would cherish the card. On Monday she emailed me and expressed that she had a good time Saturday. On Saturday I told her I wanted to see her again and I didn’t want to wait another 15 days. It was a light hearted conversation and she agreed 15 days was too long. On Tuesday I sent her an email. I told her what a marvelous, strong, intelligent, beautiful person she is (and she is). She wrote back to me, ‘Thank you for the beautiful email. You warm my heart.” On Wednesday, I sent her an email, seems like I could not make contact with her by phone and the last two dates were handled by email. I told her a little about my two favorite movies and suggested we watch one or both along with pizza and wine at her place. I got no reply. She has a life. But she had responded to my emails rather quickly before. No response on Thursday. I texted her asking if all was all right and asking her to please call me. Nothing. I wrote her what I thought was a “nice” email. On Friday (today) no response. I called and left her a voice mail, asking to please call me. It is now 5:00pm and no response. I sure thought “things” were going pretty good between us. Can “things” really turn that fast? I am not a stalker. I am not a crazy person. Should I just leave well enough alone? I do not want to smother her. Am I making a mountain out of a mole hill?

Charlie

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Play it cool. It sounds like you had two dates in two weeks. I’m having a little trouble following your time line. I can’t tell how long it’s been since your second date, but it sounds like you’ve contacted her daily for the last three days, with no response. I think it’s great that you feel strongly about her, and you’ve been lovely to her, but she may need a little time to catch up to your feelings. She’s been very polite, but rarely do two people feel exactly the same way at the same time. She may not feel she’s ignoring you as much as she’s giving herself a little space to see how she feels. This isn’t a bad thing. It’s just a difference in your feelings about each other. That can change. Or not. But if you back off a little, and call her again next week and invite her to do something, she may have had time to miss you. 😎

And remember, if you met her online, she’s probably meeting a lot of other men online, as well. Online dating can be overwhelming, and it isn’t as straightforward as dating in real life. Fill me in a little more on the way you met her if you do write back.

Hope that helps. Let me know if you have any other questions.

[essco]

I feel really bad. History:

January 26 – we had been corresponding via email over match for like 2 weeks. There was a Buddy Holly “Winter Dance Party” on January 28th. It was a remembrance of the next to last Buddy Holly concert before he died, at the very ballroom where the concert had taken place. On-line I asked her if she would like to go (I promised her a good time.) She said she would meet me there. I sent her my phone number.

January 28 – She called me when she got there. I walked out to the lobby, when I saw her, she was even more beautiful than her pictures. She said, “You look exactly as I thought.” I said “You are more beautiful than your pictures.” This conversation was held while we hugged each other. I am not kidding, I had heard people talk about an “electric shock” when they hugged someone. This was the first time I had ever felt that. She had wine. I had beer. We danced. She held my hand. She put her arm around me. When I put my arm around her she moved in closer to me. During the intermissions we talked. She had beautiful Brown Eyes. I learned a little about her, including a terrible car accident 5 or 6 years ago. After we sat in her car, talked and kissed a bit. When I went home, I wrote her an email, starting with the “rules” say this shouldn’t be done, but I wanted to tell you again thank you for the wonderful evening.”

January 29 – She wrote back in the morning saying she too would have written last night but she was really tired. She said wonderful wasn’t a good enough “enchanting” was a better word. Then she said, she had a Disney Cruise planned in three days. She went out of her way to point out she was going with her brother and nieces and nephews. Said it was a 15 day excursion. I wrote back asking if we could have breakfast one day before she left? No answer(?)

…To February 17… I have gone through two divorces and I never felt so alone. I wrote her two emails. In the second I asked her out to dinner when she gets back. It is a really nice upscale restaurant and it had a folk singer whom I knew. No answer(?) Then on Thursday I get an email saying she would love to go there. “I don’t know what more a girl could ask for” she responded. She also asked if I would pick her up. And I responded yes. I fashion myself a bit of a poet. She pointed out the last poem I had sent moved her heart.

February 20 – I picked her up. One could tell she spent a long time preparing for the night. We had a great dinner. We talked. We laughed. And we found we had a little in common. We also had the same outlook on life. And we shared some “secrets”. We then went into the bar to listen to the singer. I walked into the bar and a couple friends (including the folk singers significant other) said hi to me and I introduced them to her. When I picked her up I brought a pink rose, and a chocolate rose. I gave her a valentine’s day card (I made it) I received a kiss and a hug. We listened to the music talked she rubbed my back I put my arm around her. I took her home kissed her goodnight. I floated back to my car and drove home. I again emailed her thanking her for the night.

February 21 – She emailed me reiterating she couldn’t remember when she had had such a good time. I sent her an email every night. One of them was simply a little essay on who I thought she was. The morning after she received that she texted me, “You made my heart go side to side” (which was a line from a poem I had sent her. There was nothing happening the next weekend, I suggested I could bring a DVD to her place, we could have Pizza, Wine, and Movies. No answer(?) And I begin to panic. I send her an email telling her “no” is a legitimate answer. No answer(?) This is when I wrote the above note to you. I wrote her an email basically saying I just wanted to watch a movie. (Implied that I was not expecting sex.) No answer(?). I am feeling terrible. So I wrote her another “stupid” email. I didn’t want to lose her before I had her…(no answer)

….February 29 – I write her a more subdued email (the other emails basically said love me love me love me NOW) (I could kick myself). There was a really go band (what is left of the Grassroots) playing at a local bar. I asked her if she would like to go out for fish (it was Friday, it is Lent, this is Wisconsin). (no answer). I sent her other emails, one with one of my favorite stories. I did get an email that said the story was beautiful, and how she liked reading my stories. (nothing about Friday night. So on Thursday I call her. All phone calls up to this time have been ignored and never returned. Amazingly she answers. We talk for 2 hours. Somewhere she agrees to go out on Friday night.

March 5 – (During the day I text her, “Every hour that goes by, makes me smile more, as I get closer to seeing you.” She texts back she to is excited about going out tonight. I pick her up, we go for fish, it is really good. She genuinely liked it. When I picked her up I brought her a yellow rose. We stopped at my place, I gave her the grand tour. I have a movie screen and a projector and during the tour, she said, “We can do whatever you want.” I didn’t want to misinterpret that so I said I wanted to dance. And off to the bar we went. I got there and introduced her to probably 40 people I knew to varying degrees. They all treated her fine. We danced all night. She told me she could not remember when she had had so much fun. The slow dances were electric. I had made her a very nice “friendship” card. She said she was afraid she would bend the card, and she didn’t want that to happen because she wanted to put it in a special place. I drove her home. As I kiss her tonight we are both in good humor. I say I want to do this. She smiles and says OK. (She tells me she hasn’t danced (like that) in five years. I go home and drop her an email.

March 6 – I receive a text from her reiterating how much fun the night was

…. The next weekend there is a better than average all girl band playing at a bar. I suggest we spend Saturday together. We could go for a walk. Have a picnic. Go back to her place (take a nap…clean up) go out for a late Pizza and then go dancing. (no answer). I am a guy. I don’t know what is happening. I think maybe she thinks all I want to do is get her in bed. So I send yet another really stupid email. There are lines in it like “Of course I hope our relationship ends up in bed, but not Saturday, I just want to spend some time with you.” I am such a putz. (no answer) She has 5 kids and spends time talking to them at night. So I am in a meeting and I text her and say, “Are you gonna be around tonight” She responds Hi, Yes. I text back to her saying I am in a meeting I will call her later. She responds OK. As luck would have it a friend calls me and is in rough straits and wants to just call. I have a rule. There will always be time for a friend. So I end up talking and listening for a couple hours. When I try calling her, there is no answer. But it is awfully late. So I go home and I email her. I try to tell her what I planned to say in the telephone conversation. I also explain why I didn’t call. I try to back peddle. I say I don’t want to put any pressure on you. How about we just go dancing Saturday night. I also say I just wanted to tell you you could trust me. In the morning I text her, asking her if she was up and if I could call her. About a half hour later I get a text, I understand why you didn’t call. I do not want to pursue a relationship with you.

A little bitty tear let me down. I texted back, I am emailing you, would you read it. She texted back, “Yes, I am a sucker for those things.” I am shocked. I feel really really bad. I don’t know what to say. So I say, “Now that I am free I can say, I love you. I honestly love you.” And I apologize for pressuring her. (I didn’t tell her this but in fact I was trying to do just the opposite, evidently didn’t know how.) I ended with three lines. I will not email or annoy you in any way. I am not crazy, you do not have to worry about me running into you God forbid stalk you. And finally I am a better man because I knew you.

I would like to talk with her. (In love’s smoldering embers one spark may remain). But the last lines would make me a liar if I sent her an email or phoned her. I know 4 dates does not a relationship make. But, she was everything I ever wanted in a woman. I know you cannot make someone love you (nor would one want that) she couldn’t have been lying to me about our time together (no matter how short). I was just stupid. Is there any hope? Is there anything I can do? Any help would be appreciated.

(Sorry about the length of this)
Charlie

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You didn’t do anything wrong. The only hiccup, which I’d offer you advice for in future, is that if you get a call from a friend in rough straits — tell him or her that you want to be there, can it wait until a particular time. Or, ask if you can call them back and call her first — not after — to tell her something’s come up. It’s great to be a good friend, but you also want to be a good boyfriend. 😉 In other words, your rule about being there for friends doesn’t have to be so rigid. You can be there for a friend, but not right in that moment.

That said, I have no idea why she didn’t want to date you. Except…. that you met online, which is a competitive place. And you did only have four dates. And if she’s as wonderful as you say she is, other people have recognized this as well.

If you want to give it another go, then you should. And as much as you brought your A game, you’re going to have to step it up further.

[essco]

Thank you for your kind reply. I think I will try my A+ game (don’t know what that is yet 🙂 ) On another note, I always thought these type of sites were for (expletive deleted) 🙂 I thought the vast majority of letters probably went unanswered. (I however and not so dumb as to think April actually responds to each letter.) I also thought the answers were probably put together by computer (I am a computer programmer, and run my own company, over 30 years). I had never heard of your site I just googled Help… and your site was one of the options. I couldn’t believe I didn’t have to buy a recurring membership. It certainly appears that someone read what I wrote and responded with warmth and intelligence. Thank you, again. I will let you know what happens. By the way how I handle those recurring memberships I go to Walmart and buy a credit card (costs $4) I put enough money on the card for as long as I will want the service. Most of the time Is a month or two. I also set up a separate Hotmail account (which I never look at…eventually Microsoft will cancel the account…and I can be spammed forever cause I never look at it. (The card also costs $3 a month). So two months cost me $10. However when one considers that most of those places are at least $30 a month and some are $100 a month or more. So if I forget to cancel the account, the credit card runs out and they can send me emails, do whatever they want. One can use a made up name, made up telephone number, and a made up address. So when they turn you over to a collection agency (usually like 6 months after you have stopped paying to rip you off) the agency can call a fictitious number and send nasty letters to nowhere. They can email the Hotmail account, it is never looked at. If you use online credit card maintenance after you get your “real” credit card, you can go in and change the address to a fictitious address (even though the credit card cannot give out your address, this assures they won’t. Why? My daughter is 36. When she was in seventh grade she needed to a paper. At that time CompuServe was the only place to go. I setup an account at my office (home computers pretty much didn’t exist) . Because bills were paid by the company and unless there was a strange a charge bills were simply paid. When my daughter was a sophomore in college, a “new hire” clerk walked into my office and said, “Why do we have a CompuServe account? I didn’t even know they were in business?” So for seven years I paid monthly whatever the amount. They knew I had not used their servicer for years and they did nothing. If I stopped paying they would have contacted me. Businesses (as mine) should make money because of the product or service they offer. They should not make money off of the ignorance of their customers. There is one other benefit to this method, your credit card number and password cannot be stolen, it is actually a debit card. Once again thank you again.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re very welcome. 🙂

[Sally]

Things really can shift that fast, especially early on, and I know how confusing that feels when everything seemed warm just days ago.
From the outside, it sounds like she enjoyed your time together, but something about the last few messages may have felt like too much, too soon for her. Not wrong. Not creepy. Just more intensity than she was ready to hold. When some people feel overwhelmed, they don’t explain. They go quiet.

Right now, the best thing you can do is stop reaching out. You’ve said enough. More messages won’t bring clarity, they’ll only add pressure. If she wants to continue, she knows how to find you.
You didn’t imagine the connection. But early sparks don’t always turn into flames. Sometimes they just fade. And that hurts, even at 65.

[Tara]

Yes, things can turn that fast, and they did because you came on way too strong, way too fast, and you scared her off. You didn’t just express interest; you escalated into intensity and emotional pressure after two dates, and that’s a red flag at any age.

Calling her “everything you ever wanted,” sending multiple heartfelt emails back-to-back, proposing an at-home date at her place with wine, then following up with texts, emails, and voicemails when she went quiet that’s not romance, that’s overwhelm. You didn’t give her space to choose you; you crowded her until disappearing felt like the safest option.

Let’s be brutally clear: silence is an answer. When someone stops responding after consistent communication, they are opting out. It doesn’t matter how enchanted the dates felt or how warm her words were attraction can evaporate the moment someone feels emotionally cornered.

You’re insisting you’re “not a stalker” because on some level you already know your behavior crossed into desperation. It did. And the more you chase clarity, reassurance, or closure, the worse it looks. Right now, every additional attempt to contact her is confirming her decision.

[Serena Vale]

Charlie, I’m going to say this gently and honestly, because that’s what you need right now.

You didn’t do anything bad. But you did do too much, too fast. Too many messages, too much intensity, not enough space. That can feel overwhelming, even when the connection is real.

Four dates don’t equal a relationship yet. And when someone says they don’t want to continue, the most attractive, respectful thing you can do is stop reaching out and let it be. That’s not giving up, that’s dignity.

If there’s ever a chance again, it will only come from distance and calm, not more words.

Ask April was right, online dating is competitive, timing matters, and feelings don’t always sync. This doesn’t mean you’re unlovable. It means this one wasn’t aligned.

Take a breath. Take the lesson. Keep your heart, just slow it down next time.

[Member]

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