[SSR08123]

After several years of being a single (shared-custody) dad, I have remarried to a wonderful woman.
Due to distances in the relationship, my 10 year-old daughter did not have time to get to know her well before the new wife moved in.
After a couple of months, the two of them got into a spat about personal items in the shared living areas which ended with the new wife yelling “I am your dad’s new wife, DEAL WITH IT!”, and so my daughter left my home to her mother’s apartment.

My daughter will not come back home unless the three of us go to a shared counseling session, however my wife refuses to go, she thinks Americans are addicted to therapy. I have begged and pleaded with her to come to a session so I can get my daughter back home, however she is steadfast. Recently I have stated that our relationship is going to be in trouble should this situation persist, but the wife’s answer remains ‘No, not ever.’ I love my daughter very much and the past 3 months have been torture without having her home, I can’t see any other way to resolve this.
I feel like I must choose between being a husband or being a dad, must I just choose one?

[AskApril Masini]

It’s very normal for step-parents and step-children to get into conflicts. 😉 That comes with the territory — no matter how well your wife knew your daughter before your marriage. However, the comment your wife made to your daughter was inappropriate, because it resorted to a power play — between an adult and a 10 year old. 😥 It was intended pull a trump card on the child. And it did. Now, you’ve got damage control to do. Your daughter wants a joint counseling session, and whether or not it’s effective or appropriate or silly or insane, it’s not unreasonable in the realm of what she could want. Some kids leverage this type of situation to ask for cars, computers and other financial gains. Your daughter is asking for something that’s conservative and selfless. It would be great if your wife would agree to go, even if she disagrees with the method, simply because she wants to repair the relationship between the three of you. But if she doesn’t, that’s not necessarily the end game.

I know you feel torn between your wife and your daughter, and this is not uncommon. In second and third marriages, most divorces occur because of step-children dynamics and blended families. Your challenge is to understand that this family isn’t going to be what you thought it would — and that’s an important tool in blending a family. Once you let go of any fantasies or preconceived ideas of a blended family, you then have to be flexible and creative. For instance, you might decide to relinquish some of your child-custody to your ex-wife, where your daughter is more comfortable in order to limit conflicts between your new wife and your daughter, while you all settle into the new dynamics. With time, your new wife may feel more generous. Or, you may use the time with your daughter not in the house to try and work out some systems like discipline, chores, and other arenas where there was friction — to prepare for the daughter’s return. Your wife may want to send a gift to your daughter with a card that explains why she doesn’t want to go to therapy, but that she does want to make things better between the two of them. And if there are any opportunities for your wife to create a relationship that is positive with her stepdaughter, she should grab them — and not be afraid to spoil her a little, and let you be the bad guy. 😉

You don’t have to be just a husband or a dad, but you do have to work hard to be both at the same time. 🙂 Understand that this family dynamic is fluid, and you are in the middle, but that you have a lot of choices, and a lot of options here. You just have to get out of the victim role, and decide what you are willing to do, what your wife is willing to do, and what you are both willing to do together.

I hope this helps.

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