[fluffhead2015]

So here’s the deal: I’ve been with this girl since September, but we’ve been pretty close for about 18 months now. We live and work about 400 miles apart, and are fortunate enough that our schedules have allowed us to see each other for a at least a few days each month. We are in love, there’s no questioning that. A significant rift has recently developed: She has a lot of guy friends, and for the most part I am ok with that. But recently she drove out of her way to see someone as an old friend she once had a fling with that she talks to but hasn’t seen in awhile. She stayed the night at his apartment and never mentioned any of it until I asked questions after the fact. To further the situation, she then stopped to visit an ex-boyfriend (whom she has a meaningful friendship with and I completely support that), the problem is that after having a few cocktails and not feeling well, she stayed at his place too. It’s not so much an issue of trust for me as it is an issue of respect and I have let her know how immensely disrespectful I felt the whole situation was. I feel I am not out of line, but I would greatly appreciate insight from others who have experience in similar situations.
I am 31, she is 24. I had been planning on moving after this summer, however my father has just been diagnosed with a terminal illness, which likely sets that date farther out. As I said initially, I have absolutely no doubt of her love for me, and for the most part believe she would never intentionally hurt me. She is very close with one of them, and I totally respect that. The other one she hadn’t seen in over a year bud had kept in touch with via text message. I am not opposed to conceiving some compromise, and I realize she is still young enough to not have a full concept of certain relationship dynamics. I would love some insight on what boundaries I should demand without seeming unreasonable. Thank you again!

[AskApril Masini]

Her behavior indicates that she’s not in the same place in the relationship commitment arena that you are. She’s young, at 24, and has only dated you for about six months now, and your relationship with her being long distance and only having a few nights together a month, requires a different level of understanding than if you were dating in town. This doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you, or that she’s wrong, or that she won’t feel differently in the future.

Whether or not you’re okay with this is up to you. For some guys, this would be okay because it’s long distance relationship, which requires more flexibility than an in town relationship, and also because it’s in the first six months of dating, which is about when I recommend an in town relationship couple decide if there’s going to be monogamy or not. I don’t think you should demand monogamy because that will backfire, and it’s a little unrealistic given the length of time and the distance involved. But I do think you need to understand that dating is competitive, and instead of requiring her ti commit, you should focus on winning her over and getting her to want to commit. 😉

I hope that makes sense, and helps!

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[fluffhead2015]

We have only been officially dating for six months, and at that commencement we definitely talked about and agreed to a monogamous relationship. We had been seeing each other for a year prior to making this mutual decision to be exclusive. This is supposed to be a serious, committed relationship between two people who have talked about spending their lives together. Knowing this, would your response change at all? I do trust her, and she is open to compromise. What I am hoping to find help with is deciding what boundaries I should be ok with asking her to establish.

[fluffhead2015]

I also feel it’s important to clarify that she asked me to make it a committed, monogamous relationship. In your honest opinion, how greatly do her actions contradict that? Is it possible that a person could somehow never consider that such a situation might upset his or her SO?

[fluffhead2015]

Please keep the comments coming. I am very interested in hearing as many opinions on this subject as I can possibly conjure. Thanks to everyone in advance!

[AskApril Masini]

I know that you feel that because you talked about monogamy at the beginning of the six months the two of you started dating, there’s a commitment there and she should honor it, but the reality is that dating is very different than marriage or a legally binding contract you’d make with a landlord or a bank — just because you talked about monogamy, doesn’t mean there was a binding deal. The bottom line in dating is that there is competition. And because she’s young, single, and you’re 400 miles away and you only see each other a few nights a month, rather than expect her to uphold monogamy, and when she doesn’t, blame her, it’s more realistic to understand the dynamics of dating. 😉

At this point, that’s probably disappointing for you because she’s seeing other guys here and there, and you’re trying to get her to understand that that’s wrong — but it’s not. I know you’ve written that the two of you have talked about spending your lives together, are in love, etc — but if she’s seeing other guys, you should understand that her behavior isn’t matching up with what you want the deal to be, and rather than shake a finger at her, decide if you still want her, which I think you do, and if so, how to get what you want. 😎 That’s what this is really about. You’re trying to get her to be wrong, but she’s not. You just have a difference of where you want to be in the relationship right now.

I hope that helps.

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