[smartiepants]

Hi, April,

I met a wonderful man about 3 1/2 months ago through an online dating service. Things have been going really well, and we are mutually in love and serious about where our relationship is going.

My boyfriend openly talks about his past relationships without going into a lot of detail. I’m happy about that because I don’t want to rehash either of our pasts. He is friends in a very casual way with several of his ex-girlfriends, which I find strange, but that isn’t what worries me. What does concern me is the issue of an ex he no longer communicates with at all, but who might still have a bit of his heart.

They met and fell in love 6 six years ago and were together for about a year. The reason he states he broke it off is because he could never come to terms with the fact that she already had 2 children. Everything else was great apparently. From my perspective, if she truly was “the one” he would have overcome this obstacle in his own heart….which he eventually did. Last year, he purposely reconnected with her (after not seeing or speaking to her for 5 years!), and they talked about getting back together. However, this time, she was the one who put an end to it by communicating that she no longer wanted any more children, and this is something that my boyfriend does want for himself.

So, while I appreciate that his past shows he has the capacity to love deeply and passionately, little alarm bells go off in my head when he talks about her. When he does speak of her, he says he was “crazy about her” and that she is the only ex he can’t have any contact with because it would be impossible for him to have a platonic relationship with her.

The most recent comment he made was when we were discussing how he wanted me to meet his parents, and he said that his mom had loved his ex (even though they only briefly met), probably because his ex “is extremely attractive and charming and mom pictured beautiful grandbabies.”

Ugh. I know my boyfriend loves me–there is no question in my mind about that. But I don’t want to be runner-up to the one that got away. Should I be worried here? Is it unreasonable to want my boyfriend’s whole heart? Any advice would be much appreciated.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Most men and women want their girlfriend or boyfriend to never have had sex with anyone but them, to only have loved them, and to only love them fully with all their heart. It’s natural to want that. However, reality strikes and the facts are that by the time you’ve met someone you want to get serious about, you’ve both kissed a few frogs and had your hearts broken a few times.

It takes maturity to process and understand that your boyfriend loved and lost before you — but he’s with you. And he’s so much with you that he’s even taking you home to meet his parents. This is a big step in a relationship and a sign that he’s serious about you.

As for his one girlfriend he loved before you, I think it’s understandable that he didn’t want to be with her because she had two kids already. Whether or not you agree, it’s a clear and understandable position for someone to take. Some men don’t want to be stepfathers. Some women don’t want to be stepmothers. You and your boyfriend can have this difference between you and still have a successful relationship.

Likewise, it’s very understandable that when he did change his mind and told his ex he finally wanted to get back together with her and she said she didn’t want any more children, even with him, he felt that that was a deal breaker. Rather than judge someone on their preferences, accept them. Everybody has differences. The question is, are the differences too great. The reality is that your boyfriend had feelings for his ex, but they would never have been compatible. Their real life day to day differences were too great, and were deal breakers. That’s the way love sometimes goes.

It’s important to know what you want from a partner because while love is great, there are so many real life obstacles to long term relationships that if you can stack the deck in your favor with compatibilities, you stand a much better chance of a long and happy life together.

So tell your boyfriend that sometimes you feel hurt when he raves about his ex-girlfriend and how much his mother loved her, and that you understand that you both have pasts, but you”d really like to feel like number one with him, as much as possible. And when he does make you feel like number one, reward him generously with affection, sex and little gifts. “You make me feel so special,” is a great line to start with when he does right by you in this way. Men want to be successful with their women, and if he can make you feel great, he’s going to feel like he’s providing emotionally for you, and he’s going to feel good about himself when he’s with you. That dynamic is essential to a great long term relationship.

I have a feeling that with good communication between the two of you, things are going to straighten out very soon.

[smartiepants]

Thank you, April. I really appreciate your reply. That is what my rational, mature side has been telling me, and it was good to hear it from someone objective. I communicated my feelings to my boyfriend, and his response was that having me in his life made his ex “obsolete.” I think that’s a good sign!

Thanks again–reading your reply really did help.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Let me know how things are going for you…. 😀

[Natalie Noah]

I can see why this situation gave you pause. It’s completely natural to feel a little insecure when your partner talks about an ex who seemed so significant, especially when he openly shares details about the intensity of his past feelings and even the admiration his family had for her. You want to be certain that you are the one who holds his heart now, and that desire is valid wanting to feel secure, valued, and prioritized in a serious relationship is entirely reasonable.

What stands out in your post is that your boyfriend has been very clear in his current commitment to you. He isn’t hiding his past, but he has taken concrete steps to show that his ex is no longer in his life in any meaningful way. The fact that he told you that having you in his life makes his ex “obsolete” is extremely telling it demonstrates that he sees a future with you and recognizes your importance. That acknowledgment is an emotional anchor that should help reduce the anxiety that arises from hearing about past relationships.

It’s also important to note that the ex represents a chapter that couldn’t work due to real-life incompatibilities in this case, his desire to have children versus her decision not to. His love for her didn’t vanish, but circumstances made it impossible for them to be together. You being the person he wants to share his life with now shows that he has moved past that chapter and is making a conscious choice to invest in a relationship that aligns with his values and goals.

Your feelings of concern are a normal human reaction, but it’s helpful to shift your focus from the past to the present. When he talks about his ex, it may trigger a natural comparison, but the key is to remind yourself that he chose you. The intensity he once felt for her doesn’t diminish the depth of his current feelings for you. By communicating openly about your insecurities, as you’ve already done, you reinforce trust and intimacy in your relationship rather than allowing assumptions or fears to grow silently.

The dynamic you create together matters as much as past experiences. By responding to his expressions of love, commitment, and attention with acknowledgment, affection, and appreciation, you reinforce that he is meeting your emotional needs and that you recognize his efforts. This mutual reinforcement strengthens the bond and ensures that you feel like a true priority in his life. The fact that you’re reflecting so thoughtfully and seeking understanding shows maturity and a willingness to nurture a healthy, lasting relationship.

[Serena Vale]

Here’s the honest, human truth:
He chose you. He’s building now with you. His past didn’t work for real-life reasons, not because he was missing something, it just wasn’t compatible.

It’s okay to want his whole heart. That doesn’t make you insecure, it makes you invested. What matters is that when you spoke up, he reassured you instead of dismissing you. Calling his ex “obsolete” is his way of saying: you’re it.

Keep communicating like you did, calmly, honestly. If his actions continue to match his words, you’re in a good place.

You handled this well. 💛

[Member]

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