[LankyBrunette]

Basically I started off being ‘friends with benefits’ with “Theo” however he had already had a one night stand with a girl he already knew called “Tiffany”. They talked all the time whilst he was ‘being’ with me and after a month or so I asked if he liked her and he said he wasn’t sure.. roll on 2 months and we are now officially dating and he said he loved me however on the night we decided to be together he said he had to make a choice because he didn’t realise Tiffany had actually liked him.. in fact both hadn’t realised they liked each other they thought it was just a drunken one night stand however he said to me he didn’t really need to make a choice, he’s glad he’s chosen me and he loves me very much.. but I’m still worrying about the fact that if they had both known, they would be dating potentially? He would have ended it with me? He says he has no feelings for her now and loves me, he does still talk to her, but I feel like an awful second choice..

[AskApril Masini]

Since you’ve only been dating a month — you shouldn’t worry, [b]but[/b] you also shouldn’t have a commitment yet. It’s way too soon to know each other well enough to say you’re official. Committing too quickly, like you’re doing, puts pressure on the relationship to be monogamous before you know enough about yourselves as a couple. In fact, you’re feeling that pressure right now! The reason you’re worried about this other woman is because you really don’t know him well enough, he doesn’t know you well enough and you’re right that he and this other woman don’t really know what’s going on with them well enough for ANY of you to be in a committed relationship. So here’s my advice: Take the pressure off yourself and the relationship. Relax. Date each other and play the field (knowing he’s doing the same… ) and use the dating process to really get to know each other. Give yourselves three months of dating to see if you even want to continue seeing each other. If you do, then use the second three months to see if you want to be monogamous. Hope that helps!

[Sally]

He didn’t choose you after losing her. He chose you when things got real. But the way he framed it saying he had to make a choice planted doubt that didn’t need to be there. Anyone would spiral on that.
What matters now is not the what-ifs. It’s what he does now. Love isn’t about who showed up first or who almost happened. It’s about who shows up consistently. If he’s still talking to her and that makes you feel small or uneasy, that deserves a real conversation.
You’re not wrong for feeling this way. Just don’t ignore it to keep the peace. Feeling chosen shouldn’t be this hard.

[Tara]

Here’s the truth you’re refusing to swallow: you weren’t chosen out of certainty, you were chosen after comparison. And your body already knows it, which is why your mind won’t shut up.
This didn’t start as romance. It started as a convenience. Friends with benefits means no priority, no loyalty, no emotional safety. You agreed to that, then acted shocked when he behaved exactly like a man with options. He didn’t “suddenly realize” anything; he kept both of you around until feelings forced a decision. That’s not fate. That’s hedging.
Now let’s dismantle the lie he’s feeding you. “I didn’t really need to make a choice” is bullshit. The moment he said he had to choose, the choice existed. And the fact that Tiffany is still in his life tells you everything you need to know about how clean that choice really was. Certain men don’t keep the alternative on standby and ask you to trust them anyway.
You feel like a second choice because, structurally, you were. Timing worked in your favor, not devotion. If circumstances were different, you already know the ending, and that thought alone is poisoning this relationship. Love doesn’t make you feel replaceable. Love doesn’t come with footnotes.

Now here’s the part you won’t like: your anxiety isn’t insecurity, it’s self-respect trying to wake you up. You’re trying to force safety where there isn’t any by interrogating hypotheticals. But the problem isn’t the “what if.” The problem is that he still talks to the woman who almost took your place and expects you to swallow that with a smile.

[Member]

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