[primarygr]

Hi,
I am fairly new relationship. My “girlfriend” has had a 2 year friendship as well as on again off again relationship.
After she started dating me, the contact with the ex (who was just a friend at the time) became limited. He would send nasty and rude texts to her, at the same time kept asking if they could see one another to discuss what was going on. She was very open and honest about all of this with me. She told him several times over the phone that it just was not going to work out. He kept pressing, and she finally agreed to answer his questions. She pressed for a lunch meeting (vs. meeting at her house at his request), over and over, but again he got his way and came over to her house to discuss. Again, she was very open and honest with me about all of this. All of a sudden he was in love with her, and told her he could picture marrying her etc. Something he had never done in the two years they were friends/boyfriend girlfriend. She told him she was dating someone, and that their relationship (which had ended a few months before) was not going to work. She gave him the list of reasons why. After he left she called and discussed with me. The EX has now has a mission with her, stopping by work daily with flowers, gifts etc. She tells him thank you, but gives him no other “emotion.”

She does talk with him daily, and texts etc. She says they have been friends for so long, and sooner or later he will get the idea-he is just not getting the response he wants at the moment and to give him time. She stated to me when I brought up my concerns that if she really wanted to be with him she would just be with him- and I have nothing to worry about. Again, very open and honest about it all with me. She also said she would like to remain friends with him.

We are all 30 somethings, and I really have never been in a situation like this. I find it odd that she talks with him daily, and texts etc. I also find his behavior to be immature, and disrespectful given the fact scenerio. Do I cut it off now, or is this appropriate? Just a little confused on this one. I do care for her, and dont want to make a rash decision.

Thanks!

[Anonymous]

You are in your thirties and this sounds like high school. You’ve never been in a relationship like this before because you probably dated secure, mature and intelligent women. Your “girlfriend” needs to grow up and tell her ex goodbye. He will never get closure and move on until the contact ends. I would have to question whether she is over it or not. They may not be having physical contact but this daily (emotional)contact is making it seem like they are still in a relationship. In his mind, he still has a chance and she is either having a hard time breaking the attachment or enjoys the attention. Either way, you deserve someone who respects you. Don’t buy this line “If I wanted to be with him I would” crap. She is with him, daily on text, etc. How would she feel if your ex was trying to get you back? Would she enjoy feeling like she has to compete with another woman? You obviously care about her and you don’t want to do anything rash and being bothered by this is completely normal but you are the one who has to decide how long you will tolerate this. Look up any article on the internet from credible sources and it will tell you that friendships with your exes rarely work. If they do, it is something that happens later, both people have be over each other and not trying to get back together or its just not healthy for anyone. And speaking from experience, I stayed in a relationship with someone who stayed friends with an ex and I tolerated it because I didn’t want to seem insecure. But a secure person, would have never put up with it. I eventually had enough, put my foot down and made him choose – he chose her and I left. A week later he was begging me back and it made me wish I had put my foot down earlier. Once stuck with choice, he had to decide who he wanted but it hurt and I was devastated but he did come back. I’m not telling you to do anything rash, when you give ultimatums, most of the time you lose. I’m not even with him now and it makes me mad at myself for putting up with the disrespect as long as I did. Good Luck, I hope this helps!
When the relationship ended between your “girlfriend” and her ex, who ended it, her or him?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You are mistaking your girlfriend’s being open and honest with doing the right thing. If she wants to be loyal to you then she will. But what she’s doing is continuing her relationship with her ex-boyfriend. It isn’t his fault. It’s hers. If she doesn’t want him in her home, “No,” works really well! 🙄 If she wants to talk to him or text him she will. If she wants to show her loyalty to you, she’ll stop communicating with him. When he sends her gifts, rather than accepting them and thanking him, she could just send them back and not thank him.

You are the one who has to decide if you want to continue dating her since she seems to continue her contact with her ex-boyfriend who has made it clear he wants her back.

Frankly, it doesn’t seem like she’s meeting your needs in terms of intimacy and loyalty, and if those are important to you, then why waste any more time with her?

My vote is to move on and find someone who’s so into you she’d respect your feelings above any other guy’s.

[Avril Mae]

If your girlfriend is really loyal to you, she will stop communicating with other guy, especially with his ex. Her action is not normal for the girl who already has a boyfriend. Ex is ex, Past is past. she needs to be focus on her current boyfriend now and not to entertain other guy. If I were you, move on and find another girl who’s willing to be loyal and faithful to you.

[Member]

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