[weightofliving]

Dear April,
My ex and I dated for about 5 months and had what I considered a great relationship. We were very compatible, shared similar interests, and were very much in love. The only thing was, my family wasn’t crazy about him for primarily 1 reason: he has 2 DUI’s, the last of which he got last November (and now he has a breathalyzer in his car). He’s also been in college for 5 years now, though he’ll graduate next spring (I’m 22, he’s 23), and he has a reputation from high school for smoking lots of pot (which he still does occasionally). So those are his “bad” qualities. He has plenty of wonderful ones as well (he’s caring, kind, very intelligent, passionate, always nonjudgmental,… the list goes on). Not to mention he was a wonderful boyfriend.
So the breaking point came in late June when he vacationed with my family. This was his first real vacation in nearly 10 years, so he was excited. The problem was that he drank a lot (especially by my conservative parents’ standards). On 3 of the days of the trip (out of 7 total), he drank 6 to 8 beers over a period of several hours. He never got super drunk, but I got upset with him after the 2nd night of drinking like that because I knew it would irritate my parents. Then he drank like that again a few nights later. I was annoyed, but the trip was pretty good otherwise. When we got home, my family confronted me, saying that I needed to break up with him: his drinking behavior had been unacceptable in their eyes (especially given his 2 DUI’s). I also found out the reason they hadn’t commented on his drinking during the trip was because they were hoping I’d “see the problem for myself.” So they were hoping this trip would cause me to break up with him. I’m an extreme people pleaser, especially towards my family, and I did see where they were coming from. So in my emotional state, I broke up with him the following day.
To keep this story from getting too long, we’ve kept in touch since the break up and are on good terms. We know that we both still have feelings for the other, and he knows the full story of why I broke up with him. He really regrets his behavior on the trip, too.
I think I’m leaning towards getting back together with him, despite my parents’ disapproval. Do I seem crazy for wanting him back, or does it seem like a really bad idea? I know that I still love him and that my parents just want the best for me. But does it seem like a mistake to go against my parents for this guy?
Sincerely, Blinded By Love?

[AskApril Masini]

This isn’t really about going against your parents. It’s about doing what’s right for yourself and for your ex-boyfriend. 😉

On 3 of the 7 vacation days that your parents hosted you and your boyfriend, he drank 6 to 8 beers a day, over the course of several hours — and that should ring a couple of alarm bells. 😯 That’s a lot of alcohol for someone who has two DUI arrests at the age of 23. 😳

If you really love him, or just care about him, you should be concerned about him. 😉 I know you said he’s caring, kind and very intelligent — but this behavior isn’t caring, kind or very intelligent. He wasn’t thinking about you or your parents — or anyone on the road, the two nights he was arrested for driving under the influence. That’s not caring. It’s uncaring. It’s not kind, it’s selfish. And it’s not intelligent. It’s unintelligent. 😳

I understand that your parents want better for you. But this is really about you. 😉 Whether you date him again or not, if you care about someone — really care about them — that means wanting the best for them and acting in their best interests. It sounds like you’ve been enabling him. Ask yourself what you did when he got so drunk on those 3 vacation days, knowing about his past issues with drugs and alcohol. Did you take it seriously? Did you feel terrible, but decide to avoid conflict? Did you think it was funny? This is a great opportunity for you to learn more about yourself, and what it is you’re looking for in a boyfriend. I’m guessing that your parents are hoping for someone who’s responsible, moral and hard working — beyond kind and caring. What do you think of those characteristics in a boyfriend?

I know this all may sound a little harsh, and I don’t mean to hurt your feelings, but I think from what you’re describing, he’s more concerned about his relationship with a substance (alcohol) than he is with anyone else.

Let me know if you have any questions. And please let me know how things go for you

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